Fading: Slow-Torture Approach to Exit Strategy

by DarioKehl 11 Replies latest jw friends

  • DarioKehl
    DarioKehl

    I posted earlier on here today about the gut-wrenching physical ailments that come from living a double life as a fader. It's effort. It's work! I have to try and remember who knows what, where, when and I'm always double-checking alibis. I'm an ADULT and I feel like a teenager sneaking out of the house to go makeout (...like I'd know what that feels like--I was a good, petrified, brainwashed DUB drone who never endulged in normal adventures like that, but you know what I mean). I'm constantly afraid of "getting in trouble." I'm sick of it. I have found mental freedom from the borg. I'm OUT, just on the inside. It's like, I got through the ticket counter at Disney World but haven't walked through the final gate into the park--I'm where I wanna be! I see everything. I see the good, the bad, the ugly, the scary and it's such a rush! But I'm emotionally cockblocked and can't go through with entering the park and enjoying it. FEAR. Fear and dread of WHAT. OTHERS. WILL. THINK. And it's starting to anger me. I've had very powerful dreams for the past few nights where I'm absolutely telling my mom off--I mean nasty, profane, hateful, awful things--and it feels GREAT!!! But in real life, I'm not angry. We have a great relationship on the face. The only time our relationship hits a wall is when WT comes in. That's always been a force that can take a perfectly stable, happy day and turn it into a hateful battle of angry words and tears. Perhaps I've entered a new phase in my fade. It is very much like a greiving process. I'd lable this stage "Anger." I know better than to call my parents and come out to them while I'm in this stage. It will get ugly. While I was in earlier stages, I was afraid of hurting them, letting them down and horrified about what they'd say and think about me. I feared the guilt trips (which they will hurl, esp my mother). Now, I'm cautiously aware of this anger that has built up just under the surface. I'm afraid that I'll blow up at them after they get their jabs in. Rather than feeling bad, I'll get angry and lash out. I'm soooo utterly bitter and full of hate and revenge and spite and disgust at those loathsome old bastards on the GB. And there are horrible, horrible asshole elders who have given me and even my faithful loyal parents PURE HELL all along. I'm not cool about a lot of the elder bashing on here because my dad is one and I always felt bad about how much time and enrgy he put in to his "job." He was exhausted, overworked and still faced harsh criticism by those high-ranking, controlling jackasses with money. Many elders are victims themselves--with far more to lose (spouse and offspring). GOD, it's this hard for me and I'm a single bachelor with no kids! This should be a cakewalk!

    Brainstorm: I thought about just "getting caught" some how. I'm not a bad person at all. But maybe if I just got caught doing something judicially wrong so I could get DFed for something other than apostacy. If that happened, I believe my parents would still stay in touch with me. But if I DA or get busted for apostacy--that's it! DONE. So, have any members on here thought about that as an exit strategy? Hell, I'll even LIE and make something up: "Hey, I banged a worldly waitress like 10 times this summer and decided you should know." (I'm also attracted to dudes, so that scandal would actually be a relief to my parents who certainly "wonder about" me since I've never married and it could even put an end to a lot of the hateful gossip in dubland). Get DFed publicly. BAM--the band-aid is off. Done and over. I'm inside Disney World. People won't badger me about coming back in because they're not allowed to talk to me and my fam will still be in touch about necessary business. No more of those "didja like the WT article this morning" phone calls on Sunday afternoon. No more "though of you when I read this Awake! article (Cut Paste)" emails on the nights they know I'm supposed to be at meeting (which I haven't been in 2 years and never want to go back again--ever). UGHHGHGHG this is so draining!!! See, GB WBTS??? DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU DO TO PEOPLE??? I can't even think and enjoy this gorgeous evening you miserable fucks!!! I WANT YOU ALL TO DIE OF CANCER, SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY. I WANT there to be a hell just for you bastards fucking up the one shot at life for so many millions of people. But there is no hell. We only have the time left here in our fleshly bodies on planet earth so I need to get your viral infection purged from my life--your cancerous growth must be removed down to the root before I can move on.

    Does it get better? Really? Will I ever experience happiness again? Will there ever be a time that I can take that gaping void left behind and fill it with wonderful life experiences? Will the nauseating sensation that washes over me when I see a person at Walmart or hear a name or phrase from Dubland ever go away?

  • openmindnow
    openmindnow

    First off your experiences are SO powerful, I worry I may soon enter this faze. My wife who I told I don't want to be a JW anymore has even brought this "anger" aspect to my attention, she says I'm already acting like this and she came live with me but is scared to death that my anger with to come out at some random moment and cause a serious problem, or that I will start to try and get her to turn apostate which also scares her.

    With that said I think you have the perfect out! I may be way off base here, but see if what I say has some relevance. Tell your parents you love them, that you have always followed the rules but that your gay (my words, not yours, but I'm reading between the lines) and that you can no longer live with the hateful teaching of the WTBTS, that you intend to fade out and will no longer attend anymore meeting. Explain that you have not had a relationship with a man, and that you would appreciate there love and understanding patience in not attending any longer. My guess is that they would be as relived as you to just let you fade.

    Now if what I said is totally wrong remember it's simply one opinion.

  • blondie
    blondie

    Fading doesn't have to be a long drawn out affair. I see it as a means to get your affairs in order.

    Adjust your employment if you work for a jw or employ jws; get a job and move a distance away

    Adjust your living arrangements if you live at home with parents, live with other jw relatives, live with jw roommates, rent from jws, etc.

    Find new friends or contacts, get reacquainted with non-jw relatives or get to know them for the first time

    http://www.jehovahs-witness.net/jw/friends/183255/1/Fading-fast-and-not-sure-how-to-proceed-with-the-JW-relatives

    http://www.jehovahs-witness.net/jw/friends/34518/1/On-The-Art-Of-Fading

    But if you plan on trying to keep "normal" contact with jws; then you aren't really fading. If you move away and give a jw relative your address, they will very likely share that with their elders or the elders of the congregation nearest your address---do you want that?

    Basically, it gives you time to prepare in a practical way and emotionally for the inevitable, cooler and/or no contact with your jw family and friends.

    You will stop attending all meetings, going out in field service (not turning in time).

    Have a definite timetable and write down problems you anticipate and how you could deal with them.

    I left within 3 months and never went back. In my case I had no problem cutting all contact with my jw family and jw "friends." After about a 6 month period of phone calls (used caller id) and drop by visits unannounced (did not answer the door) if dropped down to visits only during the CO's visit (did not answer the door).

    I have never had a doctrinal discussion with my family. I felt it would be pearls before swine.

    If you live openly with a significant other....not exactly a fading technique

    If you put up Christmas decorations outwardly, not exactly a fading technique

    If you have a loud discussion one evening with your jw family about the 101 serious flaws of the WT organization...not exactly a fading technique.

    Look at those threads above, they confirm and add to what can be a short and successful fade.

  • DarioKehl
    DarioKehl

    Thanks guys...

    Yeah, I don't know what would be worse for my parents: the sexual preference thing or the apostate thing. LOL! They're both JW parents' worst fears and here I am! I'm the one and only family member who has 'em both! The fade up til now has worked wonderfully. I have avoided meetings and service for 2 years. The only contact I have are with people who I've known forever who live far away and we only see each other maybe once a year. Other than that, I have zero contact with dubs and have no desire to ever again. There are many I stay in touch with who faded or were never baptized. Getting affairs in order is a great way to put it. It's like I'm stacking up pillows so I can survive a long jump. I've "padded" my landing area be finding many DFed people (thanks to Facebook and other media) and even done some healing exercises where I've found people in the past who I hurt in some way while enforcing JW protocol (yes, I was a whistle-blowing goody-2-shoes and loved shunning and bad-mouthing "weak" people). What an asshole I was. But I didn't realize it at the time! This brainwashing really does allow the GB to be your puppet master in ways you'd never realize from inside. I don't fear being alone. I just don't want to be the ONE in the family to bring the biggest tragedy they'll ever endure.

    I want the freedom someday to eventually hang lights and enjoy a satisfying relationship with someone (I'm an 80/20 bisexual in favor of dudes but opposed to starting a family some day if I find the right match). I definitely want the freedom to LIVE MY LIFE. I wanna say what I wanna say, do what I wanna do and be able to post pictures on my own FB of me and any significant other doing, drinking, smoking whatever we want without fear of "someone finding out and telling." I want to skydive for instance and I probably will very soon, but it sucks having to edit my stories when I'm around my family. If I did, I'd never be able to tell them how wonderful it was, or share my pictures of it. You see, when I cant talk about things, I still feel like I'm lying. If I can't handle these feelings of dishonesty, the easiest escape might be getting DFed so the problem just effin goes away. I dunno. I'll sleep on it for a few more ...months

  • Dune
    Dune

    Interesting dilemna.

    I was in your place 5 years ago when i decided to fade. I had decided to go through the painstaking task of having my publisher record card sent to another congregation, and once there i'd simply stop going to meetings. I was going to do this until one day i decide that the effort wasnt worth it. So i simply stopped going to meetings, and when the elders came, and they will come, i just told them i was busy with work & school and that was the reason i wasn't going to meetings anymore. Worked like a charm. I was just marked off as a "weak" brother and 5 years later, i've only heard or seen a witness 4 times during that time. Not too bad if you ask me.

  • dozy
    dozy

    Hi mate - sorry to hear what you are going through. It can be agony. The only consolation is that it does get easier in time.

  • nugget
    nugget

    fading is not the right option for everyone but it is a useful first step. In order to do the things you want to do you will probably have to either move so far away that no one knows you or make a clean break otherwise you will always be constrained by JW control and the fear of getting caught. However fading does allow you time to make adjustments and mentally prepare yourself for being cut off from the congregation. It gives you time to make new friends and build a life where you are not totally dependent on others for support either financial or emotional. You will know when you are ready to walk away completely when they are such an irrelevant part of your life what JWs say and do has no interest to you.

    It gets better .

  • fade_away
    fade_away

    I faded and I sometimes wish I had been DFed instead just to avoid the guilt trips with my parents every time I talk with them. If I was DFed, I wouldn't have to worry about talking with them. If fading is too hard for you, try DF then but keep in mind you will be like a ghost for the rest of your life. You can walk by old friends and they won't even make eye contact with you. Same with your family...you will be treated as if you're dead. Your parents may look through pictures of you and mourn their loss, even though you are alive and well. Just remember that and ask yourself if you can take it.

    Whatever you do, don't wait until you're married to a dub and have kids...then it will be nearly impossible to exit.

  • elderelite
    elderelite

    Im sorry your stuggling with this.... I really am, and i have far more sympathy than u could know...

    That said i have a very signifigant point for you:

    Your asking the wrong question. Your pursuing the wrong freedom.

    Ask the right questions, pursue the right freedom and all else will fall into place :-)

  • DesirousOfChange
    DesirousOfChange

    "Hey, I banged a worldly waitress like 10 times this summer and decided you should know." (I'm also attracted to dudes, so that scandal would actually be a relief to my parents who certainly "wonder about" me since I've never married and it could even put an end to a lot of the hateful gossip in dubland).

    Is it ironic that getting DFd for fornication with a worldly gal could potentially improve anyone's reputation in the Congregation......

    DOC

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