Don't make the same mistake I did

Terry

In 1974 I had moved to California from Texas and my nowhere JW janitor job to a real career in a field I loved. (Art)

I had packed my JW wife and 3 kids in my 1970 Ford Maverick and drove into the unknown.

Mind you, this was on the very eve of a very "IMPORTANT DATE IN HUMAN HISTORY". So many Jehovah's Witnesses

have had this 1975 date blotted out of their mind, memory or notice I have to point it out afresh just in case you are ignorant:)

At any rate...

I quickly discovered a real life with real people while my JW wife settled down at the local Kingdom Hall and pursued the "final moments" of frantic

preaching activity warning the unwary.

Now just stop right here!

Two worlds, two minds in the same household!

In my wife's view of planet Earth the Doomsday clock was ticking down to Armageddon.

In my own view everything was growing more wonderful every day!

One day my wife cleverly ambushed me using my own firstborn 4 year old daughter, the apple of my eye.

"Daddy, why don't you go to the Kingdom Hall anymore with me? Don't you love Jehovah?"

Few people can understand how sharp the point of that dagger is when it enters your heart!

I couldn't give an answer to my very bright child that would make any sense to her. I immediately relented. I went back to the Kingdom Hall

for the next couple of years and dug in deeper than ever into renewing my study as never before.

Now stop again right here!

Here is what happened.

1975 came and went. No Armageddon. No thousand year reign of Christ. The "important date in human history" was a no-show.

The other shoe not only didn't drop; there wasn't one!

In the meanwhile, my wife had (unknown to either of us) lost her faith!! Not in God, but, in Jehovah's Witnesses.

I had a blaze of renewed scholarship and began to fade again. There was simply nothing PRACTICAL for me or my family in the same old meetings, parroted scripture phrases and the sound of the Dog that did NOT bark: 1975.

BY NOT LEADING MY FAMILY but BY FOLLOWING SENTIMENT in listening to my own child---I WASTED another two years of my life.

I should have been a family leader. But, my knees buckled.

Please don't make the same mistake I did!

Had I acted in time---maybe--my kids would have grown up with a mother who survived depression and alcoholism rather than dying drunk behind the wheel of her car runninng away from the cops.

I have that to answer for.

Take a leadership position and confront the mythology, the nonsense and the INDOCTRINATION of your own children!

Why?

The years are slip sliding away that you CAN influence your spouse and children.

A man who does not provide for the members of his own household, the scripture tells us, is WORSE than a man without faith!

What does "provide" imply other than giving what is needed?

Telling the truth about the phoney "Truth" is what is needed.

It takes a leader.

Be one before it is too late.

N.drew

Thank you for sharing your story Terry. I'm so sorry you seem to be feeling somewhat responsible for your wife's death (I have that to answer for.) You can not forget it, I am sure, but I pray you do not in any way believe it is your fault. Please don't live the past, what is done is done. It is obvious to all here, I believe, that you are doing the best that you can! I think I might say "God bless you", but I think you think God is my imaginary friend. So be it! May you find your peace! And congratulations for being a good DAD!

FlyingHighNow

I am so sorry to hear that your wife died so tragically.

You cannot blame yourself for your wife's alcoholism, depression or drunken driving. She was a grown woman with a disease and made her own choices. There are many people who have never heard of JW's who have depression, alcoholism and drive under the influence. Alcoholism is a disease. If being a JW caused it, we'd all be drunks and dead.

I was depressed as a JW wife. I figured out later though, that I only feel depressed when I am scared. I cannot blame my former husband for my depression or fear. I made the decision to study with the JW's and I alone am responsible for that decision. Yes, the JW's and the headship arrangement did contribute, but ultimately, I could never blame Hal.

mouthy

Terry my heart ached as I read this story>for you! I know just how you feel
but you were being used by the WT which had mindcuffed you both.
You feel your responsible for your wifes death.You of course are NOT!

I know how you feel though because I too feel responsible for my daughter
I made my Melanie go to all the meetings since she was a little one.
She was made fun of in school, couldnt enjoy all the holidays,( as per JW orders)
When she was 18 she went to visit with my parents in England left the ORG
They were NOT JWs...she married had kids,(3) she died at 42 with cancer
I feel guilty about her.Her short happiness was because she was obediant to
a Mother >who was a false prophet.
I do hope you are now enjoying life as you did for a short while until your
adoring love for your daughter persauded you to go under the "mindcuff" again

PSacramento

You may be putting a bit to much responsibility on yourself Terry.

I don't think that we have as much control over the ones we love as we would like, that kind of control is an illusion.

You did the best you could my friend and things turned out the only way they could have turned out.

Looking back at "what if" is something we do when we fail to understand that we DON'T have control over others, only ourselves and even then not always.

If you had been more strict and more of a "leader" liek you said things may have ben different and that different may have been WORSE not better.

We are only humans my brother, only humans.

cantleave

Terry - thank you for sharing. Sorry you had to deal with all of that.

Scarred for life

Terry, My heart goes out to you. But you are not to blame. Live your life NOW.

FlyingHighNow

I am reading Mouthy's comments. I do blame Hal and me for raising our kids in the cult. I do not blame Hal for my woes. I only blame him for any emotional abuse he foisted on us. My daughter says he was abusive emotionally and physically to her, when I was not there to protect her. Examples being like when I had to be hospitalized or when I went shopping, etc.

It is only human to do the "what if" game. It is only human to feel guilty and riddled with self blame when someone we love dies tragically. You do yourself and kids no service by blaming you for something you really should not.

Little Imp

I felt so sad reading your story but as others have said, you are not to blame.

I, too, have suffered depression - I have never been a witness. It was caused by my ex-husband.

You need to concentrate on your children now, it is what you wife would want.

My thoughts are with you and your family. xx

OnTheWayOut

I try to turn such blame inward toward the WTS instead of assigning it to humans. I think we get what you are saying, Terry. But WTS dragged you back, using your little girl. WTS lied to your wife. Cult programming screwed up her ability to deal with her problems.

You are just one factor in this tragedy.

I do what I can to influence my wife. Many others do the same for spouses, children, adult children, other family members. I agree with your statement, "Take a leadership position and confront the mythology, the nonsense and the INDOCTRINATION of your own children!"

But I am one of the ones who hasn't reached my loved one. You just never know what will happen/what would have happened and cannot carry such a heavy blame.

I doubt any of what people are saying will make you feel better. It's such a tragic loss.

Don't make the same mistake I did

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