Self-shunning Syndrome / The Prime Directive

by cedars 19 Replies latest jw experiences

  • cedars
    cedars

    Hi everyone

    I've recently been reunited with some close family and friends having been away from them for some time in another country. To begin with, I was a little apprehensive as to how THEY would treat me. They don't know the extent of my feelings or knowledge (or what I've been up to!) - they only know that I am now inactive. I have to be honest that they were fine with me and, for the most part, treated me as normal. However, I found myself experiencing strange emotions and frustrations that I wasn't expecting to feel.

    I thought I would be able to passively observe them getting on with their lives as slaves of the organization, patiently content that there is nothing I can directly do for them without causing potential rifts and getting myself DF'd or DA'd and being cut off from them permanently. To borrow an analogy from the Star Trek universe (if you'll allow me), I thought it would be like going on an away mission to a non-developed civilisation, and passively interracting with the locals without revealing my 'advanced knowledge' and thereby being in breach of the 'prime directive' (not to tamper in the progressive development of civilizations).

    Instead, I found it almost unbearable. I found myself almost looking down on my friends who were engrossed in their pointless ministry activities. It was like I was thinking less of them for being so gullible as to believe it all, even though I was in their shoes myself in the not-too-distant past. Surely it's not good for me to be looking down on them like that?

    It was even worse when it came to my family members. I was struggling to bite my tongue and prevent myself from letting them know my true thoughts about the organization that they so revere. When you ARE a Witness, you perhaps don't realise quite how much you talk about "the Truth" or related subjects ALL THE TIME. My family are no different. It was pure torture having to sit through such conversations and nod along, feeling denuded of the ability to express my true thoughts towards the organization. Even though I am still only "inactive", it felt like I was DF'd or DA'd already. After all, how can you have a genuine relationship with someone if you are deprived of the ability to tell them what's in your heart?

    It's almost like "self-shunning", because although I can't bear the thought of being permanently seperated from them, I feel like emotionally and intellectually I already have been, without any intervention from the organization or any judicial action. I feel like, in a way, I am shunning them myself by refusing to open up to them.

    Has anybody had similar experiences when interracting with family members, and are there any suggestions for getting through it? I didn't think it would affect me so profoundly, but I have to say it's really hit me hard. I feel tightness in my stomach just thinking about it.

    Look forward to hearing from you all...

    Cedars

  • Mickey mouse
    Mickey mouse
    how can you have a genuine relationship with someone if you are deprived of the ability to tell them what's in your heart?

    Tell me about it. If you find the answer, let me know!

  • cedars
    cedars

    Thanks MM - I suppose there are no huge revelations in my experience for those that have been in this situation for a while. It's just... it really knocked me for six today. I was expecting the repercussions to come from my family, not from within me.

  • bafh
    bafh

    well, there is something to be said about meeting people where they are. Everyone matures at different paces, emotionally, physically, spiritually. You wouldn't have a very personal conversation with a child, and you meet them at their level. This is somewhat the same. You interact with them at the level they can handle. Even Jesus withheld information the disciples were not ready to recieve.

    It's not you are better than them, it's that you are relating to them in a way that promotes the relationship.

  • mankkeli
    mankkeli

    While exiting the JW religion, although I was at war with the organisation but I personally decided not to hold any grudges with their God. Although I dont believe in him anymore, but I am still able to discuss the concept of what he represents. With myfamily members and friends, I freely discuss how much good "jehovah" has done and blah blah blah , While In their presence, I ascribe all success we encounter to him. But I consciously avoid discussions about the organisation, neither do I mention any negative thing about its leaders. To me, their God is an illussion and as far as I am concern He is innocent, the concept of his existence is just being used to market the JW theological program.

    It has been working fine for all of us aand we have been at peace with this method. I discuss about jehovah appreciatively in their presence and I opt out of any discussion about the organisation.

  • sabastious
    sabastious

    I know how you feel as I recently had a similar experience. I was dining with some family members who have been witnesses for many decades. It was truly surreal for me to observe how all encompasing their religion is within their lives particularly their speech. Whole, sometimes intricate, stories are told about literature placement and everyone seems to act like they get something substantial from hearing them. I forget the passion associated with literature placements and the awe of the beginnings of a potential new recruit. They seem to live vicariously through their new inductees and draw energy from that process.

    "All it takes is a single placement from God's Organization on earth that put's you on the path to righteousness"

    -Sab

  • Sapphy
    Sapphy

    It's horrible. As a born in / still in any conversation around pioneering, general ministry, calls & placements is really difficult to sustain. When a particularly zealous friend comes bounding up to relate an "upbuilding experience" I find it hard to give the expected ego boost to said friend.

  • Sapphy
    Sapphy
    They seem to live vicariously through their new inductees and draw energy from that process.

    That's so true Sab. It's like every new publisher validates their own life choices for them again.

  • zengalileo
    zengalileo

    Wow, that was elegantly put. Yes I have been there for sure. You just made me go back in time to a get together for my neice where my family was all there, and I was out mentally by then. My neice isn't a JW and I felt closer to her, but everyone else all had stories from last night's nmeeting, and prayer had to be given by an elder etc. I couldn't believe my neice was so tolerant of it all those years being an outsider. But I felt like a real outsider that day. I think it was the last get together we all were at together before it all came tumbling down.

  • Qcmbr
    Qcmbr

    An excellent post - summed up a lot of the frustration I feel.

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