Hi everyone
I've recently been reunited with some close family and friends having been away from them for some time in another country. To begin with, I was a little apprehensive as to how THEY would treat me. They don't know the extent of my feelings or knowledge (or what I've been up to!) - they only know that I am now inactive. I have to be honest that they were fine with me and, for the most part, treated me as normal. However, I found myself experiencing strange emotions and frustrations that I wasn't expecting to feel.
I thought I would be able to passively observe them getting on with their lives as slaves of the organization, patiently content that there is nothing I can directly do for them without causing potential rifts and getting myself DF'd or DA'd and being cut off from them permanently. To borrow an analogy from the Star Trek universe (if you'll allow me), I thought it would be like going on an away mission to a non-developed civilisation, and passively interracting with the locals without revealing my 'advanced knowledge' and thereby being in breach of the 'prime directive' (not to tamper in the progressive development of civilizations).
Instead, I found it almost unbearable. I found myself almost looking down on my friends who were engrossed in their pointless ministry activities. It was like I was thinking less of them for being so gullible as to believe it all, even though I was in their shoes myself in the not-too-distant past. Surely it's not good for me to be looking down on them like that?
It was even worse when it came to my family members. I was struggling to bite my tongue and prevent myself from letting them know my true thoughts about the organization that they so revere. When you ARE a Witness, you perhaps don't realise quite how much you talk about "the Truth" or related subjects ALL THE TIME. My family are no different. It was pure torture having to sit through such conversations and nod along, feeling denuded of the ability to express my true thoughts towards the organization. Even though I am still only "inactive", it felt like I was DF'd or DA'd already. After all, how can you have a genuine relationship with someone if you are deprived of the ability to tell them what's in your heart?
It's almost like "self-shunning", because although I can't bear the thought of being permanently seperated from them, I feel like emotionally and intellectually I already have been, without any intervention from the organization or any judicial action. I feel like, in a way, I am shunning them myself by refusing to open up to them.
Has anybody had similar experiences when interracting with family members, and are there any suggestions for getting through it? I didn't think it would affect me so profoundly, but I have to say it's really hit me hard. I feel tightness in my stomach just thinking about it.
Look forward to hearing from you all...
Cedars