by cedars 19 Replies latest jw experiences
Welcome to the world of the fader.
Don't worry, eventually they'll shun you like a bad case of the Klingons and you'll have an entirely new set of issues to deal with.
I strongly recommend therapy to ex-JWs for good reason. Cult recovery doesn't just happen spontaneously.
I can totally relate. My family really isn't very close and only get together once a year,so it isn't too hard. But,having one on one conversations,it's difficult and I just choose to say nothing,or I might say too much.
I've already been asked if I still feel this is God's organization. I'm smart enough not to answer that question.
As far as self-shunning goes,I find that I have taken it upon myself to stop associating with Witness family. I guess I'm preparing myself for the inevitable shunning from them.
Wow...
I wasn't that involved while I was "in"; and having been "out" for a long time, I can't imagine having to deal with Jehovah's Witnesses on a daily basis...
Especially if they were related to me and I had to remain "undercover"...
I have often said, I would make a TERRIBLE spy!! It would be impossible for me to continue smiling benevolently as the idiocy blathered on around me...
My personal observations? First of all, I liked the "Prime Directive" example, except we - you - aren't dealing with an innocent civilization feeling its first growing pangs...
You're dealing with a deadly cult, whose leaders apparently are at least partially cognizant of the damage they are causing in peoples' lives. That is an awfully difficult situation to observe silently - triply difficult if your loved ones are in the path of the "steamroller"...
Plus, being ABLE to see the scam will make you feel quite a bit superior... [And with good reason - you have successfully escaped. Their freedom has yet to be obtained...]
If I ever ended up in that sort of situation - and I might meander back into a kingdom hall, just to satisfy my curiosity - I would have to focus on playing "spy" to the very best of my ability...
Zid
Instead, I found it almost unbearable. I found myself almost looking down on my friends who were engrossed in their pointless ministry activities. It was like I was thinking less of them for being so gullible as to believe it all, even though I was in their shoes myself in the not-too-distant past. Surely it's not good for me to be looking down on them like that?
You're looking down on a behavior, a lifestyle, a set of knowledge that's severely lacking--not them as individuals.
Your behavior, your lifestyle, your knowledge is superior to theirs. That is a fact. There is no way around it.
You can still have compassion and understanding for why they are where they're at.
It's not much different from being friends with a Scientologist or someone who stays in an abusive relationship. You can be friends but it's impossible for you to notice the defiencies in her life.
Friendships usually change, religion aside. People grow apart. I am thinking of an episode of Friends--a character runs into a guy she knew in high school who was popular. He wore his varsity jacket in school, lived in his parents' basement, drove a cool car and worked at a movie theater. She is so excited that he asks her out 10 yrs later. He still wears his varsity jacket, lives in his parents' basement, drives the same car and works at the same movie theater. She loses interest.
So true! I've felt the same thing! Once I hang around old friends and here "pure language" being spewed, I resent them. I look upon them with contempt. Then I feel bad. I feel like Lisa Simpson feels around Homer--frustrated because their ignorance seems belligerent. Another possibility is deflection. A defense mechanism I've found myself using a lot recently. Shun THEM before they inevitably shun YOU. It's kinda counter-productive, maybe even destructive, but it's a way to establish some sense of control.
Thanks everyone, there are some refreshing perspectives on this situation, and if nothing else it's good to know I'm not alone in having this reaction to my relatives. I guess this is something that will take time to get used to. I hope to open up to at least one of my family members when I get the opportunity on this visit, because he is well aware of the ramifications if I were to be DF'd and evidently doesn't want that to happen regardless of how I feel. Even if he doesn't agree with anything I have to say, it will atleast make him more aware of my feelings about the organization and perhaps force him to find other things to talk about when he's with me that I will be more comfortable with (i.e. anything but the Society).
Its called a Gestalt moment when your body involuntarily reacts to a truth, like blushing, its a healthy sign, your mind and body know what's best at the present moment.
I totally identify with what you said, cedars. We avoid our witness families as much as possible. It seems like the further away we get from "the truth" the closer and deeper they get into it. At first I felt sad that the relationship had changed but now that we have friends that are non-witnesses and activities to keep us busy, it doesn't bother me anymore. While I will always love them and would do anything to help them, honestly, I look at them as a sad bunch. They are afraid to do anything with their lives because armageddon is right around the corner. All are struggling to get by financially because they never pursued education or any kind of career.
I have felt exactly the same emotions that you felt Cedars, and because of those very emotions I avoid too much contact with my Jw family.
What is so very hard for me is biting my tongue, for instance my older sister will delight in telling me how well a B/study is "progressing" and "doing so well in the ministry".
It is on the tip of my tongue to say something like "Oh dear, another life wasted " or something similar, but I hold my tongue, usually.
The funny thing is , I resolved awhile ago not to be so considerate of their feelings, they do not consider mine, but the opportunity has not arisen yet to put them in their place.
I think I will do it in a fairly kindly way by saying something like "I have moved on now, as you know, and I am really not interested in that sort of thing "
In your position at present it is not as easy for you as for me, but before long you will be where I am, and able to say a little more.
Be assured that the emotions sort themselves out as time goes on, you will feel better.
As said so well above, it is not you who are in the wrong, even though they do not know it, it is them.
