by mrsjones5 20 Replies latest jw friends
I had a manipulative step-mother who played the same tactics.
And I know what you mean by the "honeymoon period" - things seem to be as they should be, but without any apology or mention of the last time she hurt you, yet you know there's going to be another storm sometime down the line.
It's your right to protect your children and yourself from such toxic behaviour. It shows your wisdom that you're aware of her tactics and can be proactive with her.
There is an unspoken "code" that spreads like leprosy among JWs, dear Miz Josie (the greatest of love and peace to you and your dear household!)... that goes something like "Thou shalt not ever apologize... to anyone... for anything." The GB continually sets that example, first and foremost, followed by DO/CO's, elders, and then on down the line. I think that's one of the reasons that some folks here look suspiciously on apologies - they're just not used to them or have never received genuine ones. Your dear mother appears to have succumbed to this "disease".
While I tend to agree with dear OUTLAW (the greatest of love and peace to you, as well, my friend!), I would tell you to never say never, if you can do that... because sometimes folks DO change, even at the last hour. That is the reason for hope, sometimes: regardless of how they treat US... we wish the best for THEM.
I do think you are quite wise for not falling for her games any longer, though - such only further enables and encourages people to continue in their bad behavior. I would not tolerate it, then, for the benefit of HER progress, as well as the well-being of MY family. That doesn't mean I would cut her off, though (which I know you're not saying). Rather, I would simply tell her, "See, Mom, can't do it 'cause here's what happens... and I'm just not going there with you anymore. I'm done, really. Life's too short and I've got a family to care for and so no time to play these games with you anymore. We're both grown and from this point on I intend to act like it... regardless of what YOU do." Or something like that.
But that's me, of course. You know your mama, girl... and sound like you might now know how to "handle" her. I will say, though, don't let her... or ANYONE... suck the "life" out of you. Hard to get it back once that happens.
Take care... and may JAH bless you and your household and grant you all peace... especially with this matter!
YOUR servant, sistah... and a slave of Christ,
SA
My peeps
Thanks for your words of wisdom.
Luckily, no one else in my family were ever JWs. Just my in-laws...which is plenty bad enough.
But my father is a master manipulator. I'd even call him machiavellian, like the archvillian from a TV show. My step-mother is pretty far up there as well, though in a way that's more typical of manipulative mom's. She treated her own daughters considerably worse than she's treated me, so I guess I was lucky.
I have very little to do with either of them now.
Now I think someone else mentioned this particular piece of advice, but it works for me, so I'll repeat it.
Just because someone is related to you doesn't make them family. Don't confuse these concepts. If your mom is poison and truly believes she has a right to be, then you're within your rights to treat her as poison. No one has the right to make you miserable to make themselves feel better. Not even your parents.
Being a parent isn't just a right that gives her some entitlements. It's a responsibility. You can't demand the one to an unreasonable degree without fulfilling the other to an unreasonable degree.
If she wants perfect deference out of you, then she needs to be the perfect mom. There's no such thing. But she'll keep hitting you with whatever works to get what she wants. Including guilt and telling you how much you owe her.
When do your wants matter? Shouldn't they matter to a loving parent?
Don't let yourself be swayed and used by guilt.
Hi Mrs Jones, I may be able to speak for your mom, since I have a dissassociated daughter who left her abusive husband for peace. I've heard so many stories from the platform, about DF/DA family not letting their JW parents visit with the grandchildren , and making them out to be demons.
We actually, are making this work. Our daughter does allow us to visit our grandchild, and we tell others that our daughter is not a demon. In fact the majority in the congregation sympathize with her situation. There are many unhappy wives, in our congregation that will tell you that they made the wrong decisions with not leaving their mates. Now these ones are older, and they have assets, and fear that keeps them in that bad union,
My daughter is happy, she is free from abuse, and enjoys her life so much more. She knows that we love her, and we would never want to pressure her. We don't talk spiritually with her, which is fine. However, the Soc. has gotten really angry of such relationships and now they are spinning the Necessary Business around as if they never printed it in the first place.
That shunning is horrible. That awful claim that they will die at Armaggedon is awful.
I don't see this practice ending any time soon. There are some new laws coming into effect that address hatred, and abuse, and misstreatment of certain individuals, or groups that are different. This may be the saving power that will address this disparity.
Ummm, Quarterback...
MrsJones doesn't have an abusive husband, nor is she da'd. So I don't understand what your story has to do with her situation.
Oh sorry, It's my bad....did I say that I was a Senior Citizen with mind problems?
Just read Mrs Jones bio...now I'm up to speed. Sorry about the missunderstanding ...
*giggle* That ok QuarterB, your concern is welcome.
I have a lot of horror storys that I could tell about the things my mother (with my father standing alongside) has done to me and eventually to my marriage. I fully recognize that this is an issue of control. My being a quiet person (in real life) pays into my mother's treatment of me. She thinks I'm weak and easily swayed when I've never been either of the two. I think she wanted me to be a carbon copy of her, an extrovert, and since I wasn't that she thought she could change me but her methods were twisted. My younger sister is an extrovert and wouldn't ya know she's the favorite of both my parents.
So, with all that's happened and my knowing that my parents will never change and kinda letting that hope die cuz it's doing me more harm than good I'm taking a few steps back. My parents can't call my home phone but they can call my cell if they need me. I don't call them every day and I rarely go over their home. If I do go it's usually only myself. I don't let them buy anything for the kids nor do I ask them for anything. Soon I hope to be able to pay back the little bit of money I own them (things have gotten a little bit better ).
I feel I'm too old for this silly drama and I let it play on my mind too much but it feels good to come here and vent with you all cuz you get what I'm talking about. For that I say Thank You.
Josie
P.S. Next year is my parents golden anniversary. I am not looking forward to it.
Thanks for sharing Ms.J,
I too, over the last couple of months have come to what I call a confirmation period,with my peeps.
and to hear you talk about your experience brings me more clarity, thank you!
