by Snoozy 45 Replies latest watchtower beliefs
"Honest question: What about people who avoid contact with a narcissistic abusive person (a parent) who messes them up every time they see them? Are they not showing unconditional love? The rest of their family suffers when they see this person, should they not put their children and mate first?"
I'm going thru that right now and the answer to your question is a big YES. I'm showing unconditional love to my husband and my children by shielding them from my malious parents.
Well said everyone! Thank you my friends!
Another question: What about friends, neighbors, family who repeatedly borrow money and never seem to be able to take care of themselves? I understand and love them, and feel sorry, really, not judging (my husband takes care of my sorry butt, so who am I? lol), but does unconditional love require that I keep offering to bail them out, making myself and my family suffer (no shoes for you) in order to help them (so and so needs gas)?
How does anyone even THINK that having love for someone is license to let them use you as a doormat?
And to SOG, no just because you love somebody doesn't mean that you should do for them what they won't do for themselves. That's called and Enabler. In fact, real love sometimes is best shown as "Tough Love!"
Thanks 00DAD, I have to learn so much now. I do much better if I go on leanings instead of thinking too much. ;)
I love my kids and my wife and my family and my lord and my God uncondtionally.
But what does that mean?
To ME it means that there is NOTHING that they have to do to EARN my love, I have given it freely and do not ask for love in return ( though it would be nice).
Unconditional love to me is Grace.
"Honest question: What about people who avoid contact with a narcissistic abusive person (a parent) who messes them up every time they see them? Are they not showing unconditional love? The rest of their family suffers when they see this person, should they not put their children and mate first?"
MrsJ - Allow me to but a hybrid spin on everything I have read. I agree with Psac (ha! the little boy in me giggles when I read that name) in that your family does not have to EARN your unconditional love. That would be an oxymoron because unconditional means there is no earning power. But there are different levels of love. You do what you have to do for those that are MOST IMPORTANT to you. For me....my children have my deepest affection. Sure, i love my mom......but if, for whatever reason......I had to choose between my children and my mom.....I choose my children. For instance....if my mom was narcissistic, constantly indoctrinated my kids with falsehoods, and made my family suffer....then guess what? Sorry mom. I have to do what is best for those that are the MOST important to me.
If visitation with mom is destroying my family then I'll lay it out to her. THESE are the problems. THIS is how my children act because you do....... THIS is what my children say to me because you tell them....... I would not threaten her.....but I would make it very clear that her actions are causing a division within my family. And she needs to change certain aspects. If she complies then great. If not then so be it. At least you've tried. I wouldn't shun her...but I wouldn't go out of my way for her. I'd let the kids see her every now and keep it at that for the sake of the happiness of your immediate family.
Thanks. That was actually me, not Mrs. J. My mom is abusive to everyone, most of all my Dad. She is mentally ill and not being treated for it. She has consistently caused problems. Talking to her is not an option as it does no good. I wish I could help her... perhaps if she would believe that she is forgiven she could stop controlling everyone so fiercely. But every time I go over there, personally, even without the kids, I break down, for like, a week. She abuses my Dad and no one will stop it, least of all him. She has managed to cut him off from almost all of his friends and family. I have tried and am helpless to do anything more about it. Many well-meaning people think that I can show her the love that I have found outside of the cult. I have tried, but it is just too damaging to even deal with her at all right now.
I apologize for the hi-jack.
I think Talespin knows what I mean..I think today people abuse more than they used to..they take advantage of one another or as someone stated just keep abusing..
I saw a Dr Phil program that had a grown son on that had molested his younger sister years earlier. They were both on the show as was the mom. The Mom said she loved the boy unconditionally but didn't approve of what he did to her daughter and his sister.. I was imagining how the daughter felt when hearing this..would she feel her mom was taking sides? Would she want her mom to hate the son? It seemed like the girl was also forgiving him and he did apologise saying he now has a daughter and realizes how he must have ruined his sisters life and he was so sorry. At the end the daughter stated that sometimes she wished she had never told as she felt it tore up the family. Dr Phil told her she did not own the act..it was her brothers fault. She should not in any way feel guilty..
But how can you go on from there? It will always be in their minds..
This is what gave me the idea of unconditional love..I would think the mom would have been torn in two..would it be the same if it was a father/husband that had molested the daughter? Would she still have unconditional love for him?
I do understand the part about the abusing relatives..I can see staying away from them.
Some interesting comments!
Snoozy
Shades of Grey, that's what my husband did after we got married. I was so young and had been taught that the husband is the boss. He cut me off from my friends saying they weren't good people and he did the same with my family as they weren't JW's. He talked bad about my fammily and when finally one day I decided to go for counseling the Dr talked with one of my daughters and that's when I found out he had brainwashed my kids to think that my side of the family(non JW's) was bad and his (JW's) was good. Funny how things can go on right under your nose and still not have a clue.
That opened up a big can of worms..
Big hug to you..
Snoozy
Snoozy, Have you ever seen the movie Mommie Dearest? That is my mother. I have no contact with the woman anymore. She is just toxic. This goes far beyond just being a cranky family member.
