What if the situation is reversed and it is a adult child?..
Snoozy
Unconditional love?
by Snoozy 45 Replies latest watchtower beliefs
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ShadesofGrey
If someone is so abusive and toxic that it ruins your life to deal with them... then I don't think that changes anything Snoozy.
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caliber
There have been many valuable comments made here, however this is my sincere question...
Codependency involves extremes of behavior. The immature, irresponsible, self destructive codependent is one extreme of the spectrum - usually the person who is genetically an addictive personality. A person who is acting destructively has no reason to change if their are no consequences for thier actions.
How do you balance or draw distinction between tough love and the idea of uncondtional love ?
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caliber
@ OODAD ....So much like this quote ... "love that does not include boundaries is not truly love at all " .. because then we
get into the area of co-dependancy right ? The whole idea of withholding love becomes a very slippery , confusing slope !
Here is a very interesting site that questions the whole idea of co-dependancy as applied to relationships such as marriage
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ShadesofGrey
The whole idea of withholding love
is wrong. I love so and so. Their involvement in my life adversely affects myself and/or children, so I need to learn how to change my actions in relation to that. But I don't stop loving them.
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TheClarinetist
I agree with caliber. I can think of something anyone could do that would make me not love them anymore... I don't know how it could be any other way unless you are a) masochistic, b) insane or c) don't have quite as morbid of an imagination as I do. Of course, I'm completely open to the possibility that unconditional love is just not something I have been priveleged to experience myself.
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00DAD
caliber: I had actually read info from the "How the Co-dependency Movement Is Ruining Marriages" website before.
While I get the author's point I believe that the difference is that what works in a HEALTHY relationship does NOT in an ABUSIVE, CONTROLLING relationship.
For example, t he author, Willard F. Harley, Jr., quotes this statement about co-dependency, "Co-dependency can be defined as the tendency to put others needs before your own." In the remainder of his article he argues that THIS putting of others before you is good. It is. Clearly, if BOTH partners in a relationship are putting the needs of the other above their own, then everything is fine. But if only one is, then it is not.
In reality, it is the second sentence which Harley quotes that is indicative of problematic relationships:
You accommodate to others to such a degree that you tend to discount or ignore your own feelings, desires and basic needs.
He also makes the common mistake of confusing the SPECIFICS of his (apparently basically good, healthy) relationship with GENERALIZATIONS made about other, very different, troubled relationships.
So many examples could be cited, but here's one: The average person can drink responsibly, Alcoholics should not drink at all! It is as if Harley is saying that experts in dealing with alcoholism are saying nobody should drink. That obviously is not what anyone is saying.
In the end, I found his advice to not be very helpful, at least for me, but it did get me thinking along new lines ...
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