How do you go on when married to a JW who doesn't want to be a JW

by marriedtoajw 20 Replies latest social current

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  ABibleStudent

  marriedtoajw - I've stated on my other posts that I've done lots of research on JW's and Watchtower History, I don't think there is anything about the history and tactics of JWs that I haven't personally come across or studied, though I could be wrong.

  Welcome back marriedtoajw. I'm sorry for your pain, and I hope and pray that you hang in there to help your wife (i.e., that "in sickness and in health" thing). In your post you stated that you have read about the WTBTS, but you did not state whether you had read any of Steve Hassan's books (i.e., Combatting Cult Mind Control and Releasing the Bonds: Empowering People to Think for Themselves) or visited Steve Hassan's website www.freedomofmind.com? As Aussie Oz stated, your wife is switching back and forth from her cult persona and her authentic-self persona. You need to help her authentic-self persona overcome the WTBTS' phobias. I would recommend planning as many outings as possible for your wife to form friendships with "Worldly" people so that she wants to spend less time with JWs and, if you are religious, read a non-NWT Study Bible with your wife without reading the WTBTS literature. Always show your wife that you love her and are very committed to her. If your feelings get worse about being married, I would recommend seeing a therapist, who has experience helping cult members, and asking your wife to attend the therapy with you. At some point your wife may tell you that she has doubts, so be prepared to help her by reading Raymond Franz's Crisis of Conscience with or to her. Good-luck!!

  Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

  Robert
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  Bella15

  JWs mentality is that "as long as you attend meetings or preach door to door" you are okay ... they still under the LAW/WORKS salvation mentality. I have a JW niece, very young - 22, she is active, model JW yet she is dating a wordly MARRIED MAN, having sex with, taking the morning after pill, etc. etc. - yet in her and her parents eyes, me and my children followers of JesusChrist, thus Christians, are the "incorregibly wicked" heading to destruction ... LOL!!!!

  How do I know about her life you asked? Well, my other niece is her "confidant" and let me see their conversation on the chat room.

  I feel sad for her and her choices, but I decided not to interfere in her life, not b/c she is a JW but because she is an adult now and I know that these people are blind and cannot tell the difference between their cult and reality, plus the elders are going to mess her up big time and my sister (her mom) will be heart broken ... so the best thing I do is pray for her and ask my niece to listen to her but try to speak some sense in her ...
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  wha happened?

  I like what Aussie said about having it both ways. From my personal experiance, I met up with a group of JW's that eventually migrated to my congregation. I've never met a bigger group of partiers in my life. Yes I participated. We drank, went on trips, partied in Vegas, whatever. Among that group were elders, servants, and pioneers. Then the next day at meeting they were 1st to raise their hand and comment about trusting in Jehovah.

  When their shenanigans came up to the attention of the elder body, those involved and serving catagorigly denied everything and thats how it went for years. They lived lives on both sides of the fence and felt perfectly fine about it. Ironically they got on me, (the partiers that is), for low meeting attendance.

  I see alot of JW's like this that kinda stay in their own groups. Your wife has decided to cafateria style worship in that religion, as she has no fear that u will rat her out. I say just let her do her thing and eventually she will tire of the duplicitious lifestyle, or the kids will.

  I see this as an eventual win win.
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  GoingGoingGone

  I think what your wife is doing is a really good sign. She's trying to break out of the JWs, but she's mentally chained... breaking out of mental chains is really difficult. This must be so confusing for you (having never been a JW), but I can assure you it's both confusing and terrifying for her.

  I agree with the posters who say to read Hassan's books. Don't push her, but encourage anything she does that's anti-JW (b'days, holidays, etc). If she feels forced, she'll run right back to the only place she thinks is 'safe', the WTS.

  Good luck to you and your family. I really feel for you - I faded about 8 years ago and my husband stayed in. It was hell on earth to begin with, but now my kids are out and my husband is much more accepting of the whole situation. Hang in there!

  GGG
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  willyloman

  It's a simple equation. The "Truth" is not the truth and not everyone can live a lie indefinitely. Once someone realizes it's all b.s., they are forced to make a big decision. That decision (whether to leave the organization behind or just simply back off a little and keep one foot in for the sake of family or social relations) can be confusing. The result is unpredictable behavior.

  That's what she's going through.
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  undercover

  How do you go on when married to a JW who doesn't want to be a JW?

  You continue to encourage her to join you when going to Halloween parties, Xmas parties, R-rated movies, to the park/mountains/coast on an Assembly day. Take her to farmer's market/mall/yard sales on Saturday morning.

  Keep her busy with "normal" activities...what other people do instead of going to cult meetings.

  Her joining you on Halloween and other instances of inactivity is actually a good thing. She's slipping from their clutches ever so slightly and you have to be there to catch her and pull her back to you and the kids.

  She will have bouts of guilt and fear and feel the need to go back at times. But if your activities are more fun for the family, when she does go, she'll feel even worse. Over time, she'll dread the idea of ever going to a meeting.

  Now - the downside to this: You've freed her physically from the trap yet her brain will not have been completely freed. And there's the possibility it never will be. There are people who have been DFd and are reluctant to return yet defend the WTS and even believe in it to a degree.

  Biting your tongue is very difficult. I know. But over time, it pays off when the other party sees that you're not always going on about criticizing the WTS. By just letting that part go, you can keep her busy with "real" life and hopefully she'll start to forget the indoctrination and start to enjoy her family.

  The indoctrination is strong in some people. Others it seems to shed quickly once they've moved on to something else. But I have noticed that the longer one is physically out but not 'awakened' to the lies of the WTS, they start to think independently, forming personal opinions and habits that do not jive with the WTS' grand scheme. Oh, they may pay a little lip service in defending the WTS here and there, but their actions start to show that they no longer live the life of a JW and sooner or later, their thinking is so far foreign to active JWs, they are in essence no longer a JW.
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  nugget

  In some ways you are lucky that she willingly shares in these celebrations many jw wives would not making holidays a torture. She is caught in the middle with jw family on one side and you and the children on the other. It sounds as if her family is fairly relaxed since they allow a nod to birthdays so other holidays wouldn't be much of a stretch.

  The meetings allow her to maintain her jw status but if they are not influencing her attitudes then there is an opportunity to encourage her to do other things on meeting days plan a day out or romantic meal. Her behaviour may seem contradictory but it is not unusual.
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  Band on the Run

  OMG. It sounds like my born-in family. She has two selves: her KH self and her regular self. I was allowed to do almost anything (almost) as long as my father and JW relatives never found out. My mom was a Greek chorus during my childhood, telling me of inner Bethel plotting and her past experiences. We were terrified of Armageddon. She said why b/c she lived through several forecast dates. Yet we had to go to the KH, in FS most of the time. She sewed our Halloween costumes with great care. I lived in a small white portion of a major city. 98% of the KH lived in the housing projects down the hill. I even saluted the flag. All until we moved to junior high school where the neighborhoods were combined.

  I could not go to school functions anymore. What was worse was that a KH girl was in my homeroom. She saw who my friends were and reported it. The funny thing is she is a member of a major city council now. I always thought I was going to die horribly for my lapses. Fear of rejection of extended family members is powerful. Even after working as a professional in Manhattan, I never mentioned my real life with my Witness family. I sat through all their JW tales. They could not discuss life the way I overheard it every place I went. They were good people but so, so limited. What is more, no JW doctrine demanded their strangeness. It was all the control.
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  marriedtoajw

  GL tirebiter said - That's hard to say, it could be many different things. She might feel that by making accomodations to you and the children that she is holding the family together. It may be a little act of rebellion for her, tasting the forbidden fruit. Or it may be a taste of normalcy that helps her cope with the Watchtower pressure. Perhaps she is mentally "out", but can't quite let go because she fears the reaction from other JWs. If you ask her about it, there's a good chance she can't tell you why; she may not really know herself. Switching between a Watchtower personality at the Kingdom Hall and a genuine personality elsewhere causes that confusion.

  I think this is all true tirebiter. I did ask her about it once on a day I knew her parents gave her some grief about going to a 4th of July vacation weekend with my cousins at the Colorado River earlier this year. She just said nothings wrong but it was obvious to me she felt guilty.

  clarity said - Does she ever say that the watchtower society is not the truth?

  Once I asked her why she's attacted to the religion and she said because it all makes sence. I've deliberately don't put her on the spot about being honest about her true feelings because I believe she will shut down and never open up to me. Once a few years ago I kind of went on a rant about how I can't believe she thinks this is "the truth" and I went on and on about a few doctrines I couldn't agree with. She shut down quick and didn't say another word. I feel I made a mistake then, it's been a couple of years since that rant.

  Sizemik said - I would be careful about forcing the situation beyond what it is. Once you do, there's no going back . . . and it may turn belly-up on you.

  This is exactly what I think will happen which is why I keep biting my lip. I know she's in turmoil as her mother is a gung ho witnes who eventually overpowered my wifes dad who eventually submitted and became a gung ho JW too when there was a time I thought it wouldn't happen but it did. I thinkk my wife is just waiting me out, but it ain't gonna happen.

  Just to answer everyone else, I am familiar with Steve Hassans work but haven't read his books. I've read COC and Gentile Times Revisited as I believe the 607 B.B thing and how it relates to 1914 is the closest to a silver bullet that there is. I don't think she's trying to fade, I think she's doing what she believes she has to to keep the peace as well. This is all very tough...
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  ABibleStudent

  marriedtoajw - Just to answer everyone else, I am familiar with Steve Hassans work but haven't read his books. I've read COC and Gentile Times Revisited as I believe the 607 B.B thing and how it relates to 1914 is the closest to a silver bullet that there is. I don't think she's trying to fade, I think she's doing what she believes she has to to keep the peace as well. This is all very tough...

  Hi marriedtoajw. Being familiar with Steve Hassan's books and having read them is like thinking the WTBTS may not know the "Truth" and believing the WTBTS is a dangerous cult. You will learn alot about how to improve your communications with your wife after reading Steve Hassan's books. Also, I can recommend reading “Getting the Love You Want – A Guide for Couples” by Harville Hendrix to gain more insight into how to resolve conflicts about emotionally charged topics - Chapter 9 is a must read. You can also visit Harville Hendrix's website at http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/. Good luck with awakening your wife!

  Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

  Robert