I grew up in a divided home. My mom was a dub, dad was not. He wasn't any particular denomination, but he basically handed the "religious training reigns" over to my mother, so my brother and I grew up completely involved with the JW's.
Dad smoked, cussed, told racist jokes, etc. Never celebrated holidays per se. We didn't have a tree, he didn't make us all do Thanksgiving, etc. If he wanted to celebrate, he went to his parents' house...but he did insist we go over there on Christmas Day, just to be with family. Usually, my grandparents had no gifts for us because it was against my mother's wishes...but my grandmother would always offer us candy canes off the tree. It was a guilty pleasure for us, and the closest we could come to actually celebrating. My mom fed us the line about "getting gifts all year round" and we parroted it to others who asked if we were sad that we didn't get anything. But then we realized..."Hey...we don't get SHIT all year round!" so, for me, that's when I started feeling left out. I'm sure my brother felt that way as well.
We grew up with the constant fear that Armageddon would be coming soon and our Daddy was going to die. This put a MAJOR block in our relationship with him. I didn't want to get close to my father, even as a little girl, because I didn't want it to hurt so bad when I had to watch Jehovah kill my Daddy.
We got older and at that point we would always have rathered staying home with Dad, or going out wherever he was going, whether it was to yard sales, flea markets, fishing, whatever. It always seemed like he had something much more fun planned. We hated the meetings. But Mom always made us go on Sundays and sometimes service on Saturdays (Dad wasn't willing to ALWAYS give up his entire weekend with his family). Every once in awhile we could pitch fit and Dad would take us with him instead. It was rare though.
The way the congregation saw us and treated us spoke volumes and was part of what helped me to wake up. It can't be called anything but abuse and bullying, really. My brother and I were blamed for things we didn't do, just because Brother Pompous Elder's son COULDN'T have done it. We were ignored, left out of activites, very rarely were we invited to parties, etc. We just took up space in the hall. One of the elders even took my brother in the bathroom and spanked him because my mother asked him to talk to him so he would behave at the meeting. My brother was about 3 years old. My dad was unaware of what went on.
Be aware, Gary, that there may be things going on in the congregation that you are not aware of...meaning your wife and your kids may be being treated like second class citizens and being subjected to subtle abuses and you would have no idea. Why do I say this? No matter what happened, no matter who treated us badly and no matter how bad it was, my mother ALWAYS commanded us not to tell our father what happened. Because it would "bring reproach on Jehovah's name". I had a brother threaten to beat me with the belt when I slept over his house because I was giggling with his daughter when we were supposed to be asleep. His wife used me for slave labor while she went out cruising the town or lunching with the other sisters. I had slept over, so I had to help clean her entire house and take care of her baby. And I was not allowed to tell my father. As I got older, the fact that the elders were behaving in a way that might "bring reproach on Jehovah's name" was exactly what led me to start questioning how they could be appointed by Holy Spirit and REMAIN elders if they were doing such things. And asking us to lie to my Dad when he asked how the meeting went...well, my mother was in the wrong, too...but that's just Theocratic Warfare.
Eventually, my dad became the one I drew close to. My mom was violent, a screamer, etc. Just downright abusive. My dad yelled and said abusive things when we were little, but he stopped when we got older. He realized he had been wrong and changed WITHOUT converting. So we became close. I started hanging out with my dad more, we would go out and hang around with worldly people and have fun. My dad became one of my best friends.
And then he converted. And I watched my dad change into a JW. And I lost who he REALLY was. And we're really no longer close because I chose to fade from the organization. And my dad who said he'd love me no matter what told me if I left Jehovah, "we can't associate with you anymore". So Armageddon didn't kill my dad. The Watchtower Society did.
I guess my advice as a woman who grew up in a divided household with a JW mother is this: Be there for your kids. Get close to them. Let them know they can talk to you about ANYTHING. Read the Bible with them and ASK THEM QUESTIONS. Not yes or no, and don't let them give you canned answers from the WTBTS. Ask what they think a passage means. What they FEEL about a certain passage. Teach them to think for themselves without relying on Watchtower Babble. Buy them books that talk about different subjects and let them know it's okay to learn. Encourage college education. Encourage them to get good grades and REALLY LEARN.
Build a foundation of love and knowledge with them...make sure it is rock solid and has an escape hatch with you waiting on the other end.
As for your wife, if you insist that the children will learn a variety of things about religion/Christianity, she really has no say according to the Watchtower. You could refuse to let her take the kids to the meetings. She has to abide by that. But, I don't think you want to give her the persecution complex and solidify her faith in this cult. But perhaps telling her you'd like your kids to learn more about YOUR religion and how it works or more about the Bible itself. Maybe agreeing to let them go to the Kingdom Hall once a week if they can go to church with you once a week. Remind her that you are under no obligation to let the kids go with her, but you do because you want them to know the beliefs of both their parents so they can make an informed decision when they are older. If you can bring them to church with you (I don't know your denomination or if you even have a specific faith), they may see that "Christendom" isn't all bad and demonic the way they are made out to be at the Hall. They may find comfort and a measure of joy in the freedom they experience in other churches. Especially if they have enjoyable programs for children. It will lessen the "scary" factor that churches have for recovering JW's if they already have experience with a church or churches.
