Help! My brother wants to hate me.

by strymeckirules 22 Replies latest social family

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  strymeckirules

  he was disfellowshipped, my sister was disfellowshipped and my father was no longer a ms and i was no longer a publsher.

  all in one meeting.

  never felt my face and eyes BURN at the elder announcing it. he was notorious. it was insane. and it was in a highschool drama room as we waited for the new hall to be built.

  he got df'd because we started playing with weed(he already smoked cigerettes, not me) and we got caught and he was sorry but he said he never regreted doing it because it expanded his horizons. the told the elders sorry, ill never do it again but i don't regret it. he got the boot.

  and my parents wouldn't let us talk unsupervised in the house anymore.

  i left soon after. i told him i would make a place for him. but then mom and dad bought him off. and softened up a lot. so he stayed.

  there is so much drama involved that i don't want to type it all. you probably know what i mean.

  let's just say my parents burned our cd's and skateboard magazinies to expell the devil. serious.

  i told all this to my drug counseller when i was 15. she was shocked and recommended i leave. it was bad.
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  Snoozy

  When another family member carries a grudge like your brother is there is really nothing you can do. If you make up it will just happen again down the road..he needs to get counseling for the problem in him..you can't fix it. It may not even have anything to do with you in all reality.

  Be there for him? That can get pretty frustrating for you after a while. You feel like you are on a rollar coaster of emotions..

  Unresolved issues never just "go away".

  Snoozy
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  Scully

  Some people can't accept responsibility for their own choices... I wonder if your brother has this trait - it seems that way to me by the way he tries to shift the blame to what happened between you and him half a lifetime ago.

  People get DFd from the JWs for behaviour they chose and for being Unrepentant™ about it - blame-shifting is classic Unrepentant™ behaviour. Nobody held a gun to his head and forced him to tiger-woods his marriage. Nobody held a gun to his head and forced him to smoke tobacco or weed. Those were choices he made, of his own volition.

  I find it interesting that your brother his trying to psychologically beat you up for leaving The Truth™, and for trying to share with him your own reasons for doing so. I'm guessing that he is still mentally "in" and likely still thinks he is better than you because he still believes it to be The Truth™, despite his obvious and multiple transgressions, and maybe even regards you as a filthy Apostate™.

  I find it even more interesting his pushing you away when you tried to reach out to him and his blaming you for "not being there" after he told you to scram. I suspect he knew that he'd be hard pressed to find a listening ear or moral support while going through the divorce and being DFd, so he expected you to rally around him, even when he rejected your offer in the beginning. He probably didn't have anyone else to turn to from the JW side of things.

  It's unfair of him to have expectations of you supporting him, talking to him, etc. while at the same time he is pushing you away, being non-responsive to your efforts at reaching out to him, and so on. Once you've come to some kind of accord, it will be important for you to get through to him that (a) you care about him (b) you do want to help him, but (c) you need for him to be clear - if he wants your help, then accept the help when it's offered - if he says he doesn't want your help, then he should not expect multiple offers, insistence or persistent harassment to force help upon him when he doesn't want it. You have a busy life yourself, and you don't want to get in his business if he doesn't want you involved, and you don't want to interfere if he's made it clear that he wants to handle his situations independently. If things change and he does feel that he would welcome your help, he'll need to approach you - again you don't want to be accused of getting in his business uninvited.
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  Band on the Run

  So he smoked weed. Consider his age. Modern science verified what countless generations suspected deeply: teenagers don't have complete brains. They can't always conform their conduct. Juvenile offenses are wiped clean b/c they involve juveniles. It is such a different situation than an adult. Every year brings rapid growth. It slows down as you age. I ache for your family. It is outlandish behavior.
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  nugget

  Jw upbringing often leaves a mess in it's wake. Even when people leave the religion they can still carry baggage with them. This can particularly affect those who did not leave out of choice but were df'd for imorality, drugs etc. Some of these people still believe what they were taught but don't believe they can live up to JW standards. This means they are held captive by the ideas. Your younger brother is resentful, in his eyes you abandoned him when you left home and didn't make a big enough effort when he was going through a divorce. He may also still believe JW doctrine so will have the same cognitive dissonance that a practicing JW experiences when they come across someone who criticises the religion. This is a long haul and there is no quick fix. Your brother appears slightly immature and may need to grow up a bit mentally and emotionally to be able to see things in a more mature way.

  I would write to him saying all the things you couldn't say on the phone. Apologie that you didn't try harder in the past but say that you will not give up on your relationship now as you have learnt from your mistakes. Remind him that you love him and leave it at that. If he is asking others for money then leave some money with them especially for your brother so next time he asks they don't have to use their limited resources. He will not come around until he is ready and at the moment he is feeling hard done by and resentful even though some of it is of his own making. Keep trying, keep the lines of communication open and keep offering friendship.
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  troubled mind

  You can only control your actions ,no one else's. It is commendable that you have extended your love to your brother ,but you can not force him to accept the invitation . All you can do is send reminders occasionally that you care . That is all . I hope you do not allow it to bring you down or feel responsible for his lack of positive response .

  I have a brother that has very similar traits . I have not spoken to him now in over three yrs. It has come to the point I am relieved not to be involved in his drama any longer ...it can be exhausting .
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  strymeckirules

  after letting the conversation settle, and thinking about the things said, yes he is trying to manipulate me with guilt.

  he used the "poor me" card when he was dealing with his wife and the divorce. i had to help her to understand his manipulations on her. he was able to make her feel it was her fault he cheated. always shifting the blame.

  when we were kids, my parents used to scream and argue at eachother multiple times a week. me and my bro would listen to them fight from the next room. my father would try to use logic in the arguements and my mother would bash his logic with gult trips until he fumbled.

  me and my bro would pretend it was a boxing match betwwen them. i would be my father and my bro would play my mother. and whenever dad made a good point i would pretend to swing a knockout punch at my bro. when my mom would come back with a guilt trip retort, my bro would get the knockout punch on me. it was a game we played to deal with the unconforatbleness of the fights.

  but i think my bro learned how to guilt trip from that. and i learned logical debate.

  my parents were phanatical jws. not even the jw's in our hall were good enough association for us. so we had to make up games to entertain us.

  i think i'm gonna send him a message stating that i am offering assitance, but i will not allow him to guilt me over things that happened when i was 15 and younger.

  how many of you hold a grudge against a 15 year old? not really sane to do so.

  my brother has told me about having demon attacks in his life. i think i'm battleing invisible forces as well.

  so to all poster that have responded, all your words have been helpful.

  i thinkn you can see the situation from where you are.
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  ABibleStudent

  Hi strymeckirules. If you are well to do, visit Steve Hassan's website www.freedomofmind.com and ask a professional for advice, or at least read Steve Hassan's books Combatting Cult Mind Control and Releasing the Bonds: Empowering People to Think for Themselves. It sounds like the WTBTS did a lot to mess with your brother's and your life. There is not much that you can do besides sending emails/text messages with lots of pictures of you and your family having fun. I would recommend that you do not enable your brother to be a victum be giving him ahything but a shoulder to vent on.

  Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

  Robert
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  AGuest

  You heard what you should do, dear SR (the greatest of love and peace to you!). Put faith in that, dear one. As for how often to text, I would say "as often as you are moved to." Whenever YOU feel that you should/want to. Unless/until he (your brother) makes it clear you shouldn't. Until then, it really is up to you. It's going to be tough, yes... and maybe take some time (most probably), considering how your brother "feels", right now. There's not much YOU can do, then, to mend the rift, given your brother's state of mind... except show love. Other than that, you may have to let go... and let God. You know what I mean.

  Again, peace to you... and may JAH bless and grant you strength, through Christ!

  YOUR servant and a slave of Christ,

  SA
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  tec

  so i prayed about it and....

  i got an answer. but you'll think i'm crazy. but it was a message for me so that's what matters.

  i'm supposed to keep showing love. that's all i can do. and if he chooses to not accept the love and continues to hate, he will be held accountable.

  I don't think you're crazy.

  That's the answer I tend to (most often) get too. When I fight it (and I go through phases when I do, when I let anger or bitterness or the 'injustice' of something get to me, then I'm unhappy and angry. When I accept it and show love and forgiveness, then I have peace.

  May you have peace as well, especially knowing that you can love no matter what someone else chooses to do.

  Tammy