What an amazing journey this has been. I never dreamed or realized that when I got my first notification in 2004 for consideration to go to Gilead that I would end up writing what I am today. That I would experience all that I have experienced between 1974 and 2004, and esp from 2004 till now.
I never dreamed that in one fell swoop, I would go to Africa, almost die, and then start over life. I never dreamed that I would end my marriage and my association with a religion and all my old friends in one fell swoop, all in one day. That I would bravely press on, armed only with the knowledge of what I was not.
That’s right. I was an ex JW. The only thing I knew about me then was what I was not. And that, in a nutshell, is what it means to leave and be an ex JW, esp. at first.
For anyone who has followed me here on this board, you have read my thoughts and worries about the state of mind I was in. It seemed to me that all I was, my new identity, was wrapped up in what I was not. “How long am I to be only an ex JW?”
The last time I showed up here, I got in a passionate argument about what I was not, this time involving a poster here who was Catholic. At least he knew who he was. And at least I was able to once again rule out who I wasn’t. Such are arguments of any kind, esp on an internet discussion board.
Since that time, I have been blessed (finally) to start to piece all of this together, all the clues I left myself, all the discussions, the debates, the arguments, the pats on the back exchanged with those who agreed with me, and I with them.
So today, I write the following. The reason you are reading this is that most of us here got together to hang out with those who had one thing in common: We knew we weren’t JW’s. But there is another sense for most on this board, and for most who post here, or lurk even though they are still pretending to be JW’s. That gnawing feeling that says “Who/What am I? Really? WHY AM I HERE AND WHY AM I DOING THINGS THAT DEEP DOWN I KNOW I DON’T AGREE WITH?”
First lesson: Be happy. Did you know that happiness is a study? I didn’t. But you can learn from happy people. You can read. (YOU SHOULD READ!!) In addition, you don’t have to put off your happiness until you (get married, get divorced, get rich, get drunk, get high). Happiness does come from within. It can be with or without god. It can be with or without money. But ultimately, until you decide to be happy with who you really are, leaving JW’s, or staying with JW’s won’t matter worth a damn.
Second lesson: Be honest. With yourself. Until you do this, it is impossible to be honest with anyone else. If you lie to yourself each day, you are stuck, and that won’t ever change. By the way, beating yourself up is stupid. That isn’t honesty, that is mental illness. Being honest also means that you have to be able to acknowledge your talents (you have them!) your knowledge (you have at least some!) and the good points about yourself. Life isn’t only “I suck!” or only “I’m awesome!” It’s both. It isn’t 50/50 either. It’s, simply put, just you. And that is pretty damn cool, if you decide to be honest with yourself and…..
Third lesson: DO SOMETHING IN A POSITIVE DIRECTION! All the sitting on the sidelines waiting for something to slap you upside the head is no replacement for doing something for yourself. My suggestion? Read books. Can’t afford books? Do you know how much library cards are? Yup. IF YOU REALLY WANT TO CHANGE, AND YOU REALLY WANT TO LEARN, YOU WILL DO SOMETHING TO CHANGE AND LEARN. The first step is to read. It really is.
Fourth lesson: Failure is good for you. This one might be hard for you to get at first, but it’s the truth. I failed so much. I doubt most here have failed as much as I did. I mean, you didn’t wake up in Yaoundé Cameroon one day after almost getting killed and admitting to yourself that your marriage and the religion you were a part of was a sham. Right? Ok then. So know others have sucked before you. Getting it wrong means you are one step closer to getting it right. The only person who will ever stop you is yourself. FAILURE MEANS THAT AT LEAST YOU ARE TRYING. LEARN FROM FAILURE, GO ON TO YOUR NEXT FAILURE. EVENTUALLY YOU WILL GET IT RIGHT.
Fifth lesson: Take care of yourself. If you eliminate 150 calories a day, you will not see the real results of that for 3 years or so, roughly. In those 1,095 days, you will have NOT consumed 164,520 calories, which depending on other factors, means you will have lost anywhere from 5-20 lbs or more, esp if you add in a half hour of exercise a day. Taking care of yourself means saying no to acquaintances that will eat and drink and need you to not be alone while they self-destruct. It means finding and hanging with friends who represent what you wish to really become and becoming their friends instead. It means that the most important person really is you. So why not take care of yourself.
You are more then just someone who used to be a JW. You are more then someone who may be currently stuck as a JW. You can be more. You are more.
Remember, it’s not about what you are capable of, it’s what you’re willing to do that matters.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND MERRY CHRISTMAS, AND A VERY PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR!! I love you all.