Hi, Serenitynow!
I understand how you feel and am in no place to criticize your actions. Being the father of 5 girls and a boy, all of whom are adults now and have the right and responsibility to make their own decisions on matters, I try to limit the things I say (when they desire it) to imparting knowledge on the background influences driving the situations they find themselves in.
Being a father and husband was/is the driving force in my life (I'm 71 now), with most other things coming in a distant second. As a result, the desire to understand the man/woman relationship has been so central to my existence that it has approached an obsession, and I've written a considerable amount on it.
I hope you will not resent my speaking to you as a daughter, as I hardly know how to do otherwise after a lifetime of being a father to girls. That you are black has no bearing on this. You could be green with purple polka dots for all I care. You remind me a great deal of my fourth daughter Jeanne, for she too has a strong sense of right and wrong, fairplay and justice, and very little fear of speaking up for it (or much of anything else either). I've written of her a few times on the forum, here and here, among other places. She made thousands of dollars on that second one last year, and is a force to be reckoned with in her own right.
But all of us find ourselves in situations that are bigger than we are and that render us incapable of dealing with them. The way you describe your father makes me feel that this may be one of those cases. However, I submit the following not for the purpose of making excuses for him, but in the hope that you may find it easier to bear due to a little additional understanding.
Many men simply do not know how to show love, let alone open up and bare their innermost thoughts as you need. Even if they recognize their emotions, managing to find the words to express them is a whole different thing, with the usual result that they can't, and end up existing in a gray world with few if any bright spots. They want to help, but have failed enough in the past that their inferiority complex tells them they will again. They come to believe there's no sense in trying, so the biggest favor they can do everyone is to simply leave or get out of the road. Many have tried to open their hearts in the past, only to have the ones listening ridicule what is said and/or use it to their own advantage. Men like these make others miserable, but they are just - if not more – miserable, for they condemn themselves even more than the ones around them do and then keep it all bottled up inside. Many, overcome with feelings of hopelessness, uselessness and futility, will commit suicide. In their eyes there is no way out.
I went through a process like this myself as a boy and youth. If I tried to share something that I was happy about, I'd be accused of bragging, and if I was hurting, I'd be accused of complaining. Finally I just clammed up and didn't share anything with anyone. I suppose this is one of the reasons why I became a "LoneWolf", and by the time I grew old enough to recognize how unfair it was to others, I had become comfortable in the role. I try to share now, but it is still difficult.
I think there may be an additional factor in your case, but in mentioning it, I must first remind you about my words above about you being black making no difference to me at all. It may make a difference in your situation though, NOT because there is any defect in the black race, but because of some of the poisonous baggage that blacks have had to carry due to their history down over the past 400 years.
The black university professor and columnist William Raspberry and I corresponded on this subject some years ago, and rather than try to describe it here, I’ll simply provide a link to the pertinent part of what was written. It is here: http://www.howlinmad.net/prejudice5.html
It would be interesting to know if your father’s “pioneer whore” is white or black. The reason I ask is contained in the link above.
Serenity, I do indeed wish you a peaceful heart and serene times. Don’t let life’s negative aspects get you down, but look for the good things, for they are there.
Finally, if you approve and feel it is proper, please extend these sentiments and good wishes to your sister. I thoroughly understand what it is like when all prospects seem hopeless and there appears to be no way out. But along with those good wishes, please find and print out a copy of Rudyard Kipling’s poem “If”, and when you give it to her, point out these lines:
“If you can meet both victory and defeat,
And treat both imposters just the same….”
Those lines helped me a lot during the dark times. I should add that his words apply equally to both men and women.
Tom
