Hello. I found this site quite a few months ago, after a curiosity search on Wikipedia about JWs and what's going on with the organization. I was unfortunately born into it, 4th-generation; my great-grandfather was a special pioneer spreading the word in the early 1900s. It was all I knew growing up, even though I struggled between trying to conform to make everyone happy ... and finding my own way in life. I was kind of rebellious, due to impulse control issues and curiosity, a little too smart for my own good, and even though I was expected to know better... I got in trouble quite a bit and was disfellowshipped at age 19.
It was very difficult growing up, the JW organization forces you to be isolated from others, yet here I was in school all the time with kids who weren't part of it. Trying not to get in trouble at home, sitting in another room while the class had holiday parties, despite just wanting to be part of the group. Because of my family's deep connection to the religion, we were held up as examples in the congregation, so my mother was extremely strict about everything. Unfortunately, since she was a high-school dropout (due to a major illness, she later got her GED) who was divorced twice, she didn't really have anything else except being a JW.
I graduated at 16, and transitioning from school to the workplace was a bit difficult, as the only real focus in my life was supposed to be pioneering. Everyone had great expectations for me, and I'd been lucky enough to get to go to New York twice; the first time in Junior High with a family of friends to see the 'grand tour', and again as a graduation present with my best friend to work at Watchtower Farms for a week. The expectation was Bethel, after some pioneering to show my dedication, so my work ethic wasn't very strong - after all, why would I need to be good at a job when such worldly things didn't really matter anyway?
Alas, when trouble caught up to me at 19, I had done a few things wrong and was struggling with a major issue common for teenage males... so when the elders confronted me with some things I'd done, I broke down and wept over my 'major issue' - just talking about it was hard enough. And in the process, something I'd done just plain slipped my mind. So when they said 'is there anything else?' I blanked... until they showed some evidence of the other thing, and took it as a lie of omission. I was disfellowshipped, and the friends I was staying with had to have me leave.
I ended up at a homeless shelter - without a job or a car (I'd lost both in a car accident, a long story), or any friends outside of the organization to stay with, I had nowhere to stay. However, because of some major depression issues I'd been dealing with, they recommended me to a mental health shelter. Someone I met encouraged me to exaggerate my condition (although I had been suicidal, to the point of being intervened from my one and only attempt by a caring uncle who was tipped off in time); I was hospitalized briefly for observation, and moved to a bigger city for more help.
So now, away from my home, no friends or family to talk to, no money or job, in a shelter with strangers who had issues... and feeling like I was supposed to get back into the organization, since it was all I knew... I started walking to meetings, even though it was almost an hour each way. One night coming back to the shelter, two guys were looking to shake someone down for drug money, and apparently the guy in a suit & tie seemed like a good choice. I was beaten badly, since violence was never appropriate, until I collapsed and feigned unconsciousness.
I gave up trying to go to meetings and just focused on getting a job, wanting out of that horrible neighborhood. (It has since been urban renewed, but this was 20 years ago) Worked my way up from fast food, making friends and staying where I could. Briefly I turned to a Christian religion, mostly to make connections, but they were quite overzealous so it wasn't much better, just a different flavor of the same thing. I ended up homeless at least once more before getting a foothold in life.
Thankfully, my father (who had joined out of lonliness and married my mother, before leaving her and the religion when I was young) found me and took me in, and I relocated to a new area, and started a new life. Got a job, met someone, got married, had a son... and decided to contact my family. They encouraged me to try again, so I started to attend a few meetings... long hair, goatee, I stood out like a sore thumb. Then I realized I was only doing it for my family's approval and quit again. My last activity of any sort with the organization was attending a family funeral held at a convention center in 1995.
That was an odd experience of its own. Some family would talk to me, see how I was doing, meet my wife and new baby. Some wouldn't even respond to a hello, simply turning away. Some, who weren't immediate family, still came and talked to me. But still, it was clear I didn't belong. My 'worldly' appearance was a stark contrast to my younger days, when I was always presentable with suit & tie and such. Sadly, the best part of being there was seeing the conventional hall! Growing up in southern California, the old theater in Woodland Hills was a very familar place, a unique building that unfortunately was torn down a few years ago.
Life went on, got separated and I left California in 1998 for a relationship with someone I met online, and I've been in Oklahoma ever since. Lately I've been homesick and wanting to return to California, but with no desire to return to that religion I grew up with. I'd love to see my mother, since we haven't spoken in a decade, and perhaps visit my brother & sister. Its a bit tough during the holidays when everyone around you is visiting their family, only to find that your own doesn't want to be part of your life.
I won't say its been as easy as it might sound from all this. Besides the depression, it was a massive adjustment learning to live in the real world, learning to overcome fears that there was 'nothing out there', learning to make friends. As it is, I'm a bit of a loner - when you're raised in a religion that treats itself as an outcast to the rest of the world, then you are an outcast of outcasts... being social and such doesn't always come easy. But that's okay.
A therapist I saw for a while during the transition pointed out that if I hate my mother, I'm still alllowing her to have control over my feelings, and I'm holding that negativity and that anger inside me. It took a lot to be able to let go of it all, but I don't hate my family members or the organization. Obviously I'm not going to encourage anyone either, haha! But I had to let it all go, and realize its just another thing that people use to try and be happy, like drinking or sex or anything else taken to extremes.
I also had to learn not to substitute one 'addiction' with another, not allow myself to get sucked into something just to fill the void. My focus is on spirituality, not religion, and keeping other people out of my connection with God. I know what's in the Bible, and I think regularly on what's right and what's wrong - not because a group of men tell me so, but because it rings true with being a good person. It's not always easy of course, but that's no reason not to try.
My hope now is just to live a good, happy life and maybe help a few people along their way. Life is hard enough, but its certainly better now that I'm free of the restraints that kept me from being happy.