question for older ex-elders (page 2)

xelder

My wife and I both regretted the lifetime (50 years) in the Borg. We regretted what we trained our kids to be. But, we have helped our kids out of the Borg and have saved our grandkids from ever joining. I understand your dad's feelings. Everyone takes a unique path out of the Borg. Emotionally, mine differed from my wife, which differed from the kids, which differs from many of the posts on this forum. I think the key is education and accepting what idiots are the GB past and present. After that, it is an emotional process that can take time. Be glad if you save future generations the pain we suffered and the time we wasted. But also realise that some good moral qualities were learned (although they could have been learned elsewhere)

cantleave

I am only 45 so I am not really an older ex-elder, but I was brought up in the cult.

Do you feel that you wasted your life? Not entirely - but I am sure I would have made different decisions without the Watch Tower's "guidance"

Do you regret how you brought up your children? I regret being such a bastard, I was aware that to continue as an elder my family had to be exwmplary, and I enforced a strict level of discipline, which was completely unnecessary.

Do you fear the future, death? Not at all

Are you angry and sad about all those wasted years? I sometimes feel angry, but mainly at myself for not listening to my inner doubts.

wobble

My answers to your questions would be very similar to Cantleaves above. But from personal experience I would say that leaving the cult is a dangerous time for anyone, suicidal depression could easily be triggered.

Logic and reason have little to do with this, in a surface way at least. What I mean by that is you could show your Dad all the reasons why the past does not matter, and how much better his life is now, and still leave him with depression at a dangerous level.

Professional help is best, Cognitive Behvioural Techniques will probably be employed among other things, but those guys know what they are doing. If dad does not recognise that he has a measure of depression then read some good self help books yourself and try to treat him yourself.

"Overcoming Depression" by Paul Gilbert may be a good starting point.

tornapart

I'm neither an elder nor male but I sympathise deeply. I'm a born in and in my 50's and still 'active'. But I can understand the depression and the anger. For me it's not so much wasted years because I have wonderful friends and family. It's all the things I've felt since learning the truth about the 'truth'. The realisation that the 'FDS', 'GB', Organisation is no more real than the Wizard of Oz. That they stand as mediator between me and God. Jesus is their mediator not ours. That salvation comes through them and not through Jesus. The depression for me comes from the feeling that I have believed a lie for all those years. The feeling of having to 'pretend' all the time that all is ok when I know it's not. Now somehow I have to rebuild from scratch a relationship with God and Christ on my own without anyone else involved. I'm afraid to leave because of my family. Your father is very lucky he has you, you sound very compassionate.

jookbeard

great thread , (never an elder) father was.

Unlearn

after a while, you just let the anger and bitterness go.
you accept that what happened to you was YOUR normal. everything is point of view. when your bummed, your mind will tell you, 'it is NOT all point-of-view! this mess REALLY HAPPENED to me!'
but it really is all point-of-view. your mind is a monster...and it RULES when you get it working for you instead of against you.
things are what they are.
i'll say this: i sometimes do feel a bit of guilt for the ones i studied with and 'assisted to baptism' in the 'truth'. yes, it was their choice...but it also was very Kervorkian of me. assisted suicide. but still...back then, i did what i knew how to do. now that i know better, i do better.
i was talking to a friend of mine....a childhood pal that i reconnected with after about 15 years: we spent some time in Bethel together back in our early 20's.
he was disfellowshipped about 13 years ago...and is now free.
at one point in our conversation the other day he said,'Just think, 'Unlearn'...just think if we had been pushed to really reach for something substantial, to go to college and really go for our lives. think about what we could've been.'

i got out by 40. some years gone...but baby, im still alive and breathing. ;)

designs

scooter- What your father is feeling is a big part of the post JW experience, keep the lines of communication open and help in any new pursuits he shows interst in. The more positive things he brings into his life, even old hobbies he left off as a JW and now wants to pursue by all means encourage him it will make the transition easier.

question for older ex-elders