Forgotten/Unforgotten Friends

kheli

Since I am recently out of the "truth", I still find that I have a couple of people that I really miss. I have managed to get past the stage of obsessing about whether or not certain people still think/care about me.

But, every now and then I wonder about my (ex)best friend. She was like a sister to me. I loved her more than my (then)husband. I would have done anything for her and I believe that she would have done anything for me. I even co-signed a car loan for her a couple of years ago (when no one else would; not even her mom).

Anyway, when I made my decision to leave my husband and the organization, she was the only one who, despite the heartache, understood why I was making my decision and wanted me to stay in touch. Well, she doesn't reply to my emails anymore.

The inevitable has finally taken place - our "friendship" is officially over. I just didn't expect it so soon. This change has saddened me very much. I dreamed yesterday that she died in a car crash . *sigh* I'm kind of bummed.

How have you gotten through letting go of once close friends? or are you still struggling?

refiners fire

Why dont you just straight out go see her , knock on her door and ask her to keep being your friend?
Thats what I would do.

Other than that.
Of course, people drift out of our lives but those we love we never forget. They always return to memory.
Why not make contact with them? I do sometimes.We make a lot of assumptions as to why people do things, often they are wrong.
Try an up front honest approach with your heart on your sleeve. It often works.See, if you confront her with what you want, and she refuses to have anything to do with you,that will be HER decision.
You will be able to live with yourself because youve tried to do all you can.

kheli

Refiners:

You have a good point. I think I will contact her. I do need some closure.

Kep

Kheli,
I had a friend who was as close as a brother to me.
He was my best man when I got married and vice versa.
I couldn't contact him when I was going to be Dfd and was disappointed that I missed letting him know.
He had moved to another town by then.
Anyway, about 5 years later I was visiting my Dub mother and he called in to visit.
I saw him come to the door and Mum answered it, she gave him a big hug and I sat there watching them and it probably showed on my face that I was a bit uncomfortable.
He saw this and motioned to me that it was ok, then he came and gave me a hug.
You know, it was very touching. I really missed him.
The fact that he signalled to me it was alright indicates to me that the strength of our friendship was and remained strong despite my being out.
Maybe after all those years he was glad to see me.
We haven't seen each other since, but I am glad I got to spend a couple of hours with him.
It could be the same with your friend.
One thing though, has she paid off the loan?? If not, do you think that will cause a problem for you??

detective

As an outsider, I found the "rules" very confusing when I was suddenly immersed in their world. After several months of being without my witness friend, I still miss him everyday. I know how badly things have turned out for him since we've split. Confession, disfellowshipping, eviction from his pioneer "friend's" apartment. I know he's hit new lows in his life and probably needs support now more than ever. I know there is little I can do though I desperately wish I could do something to help. I am always torn over how to best handle that situation. One of these days I hope to stop holding my breath and waiting. As much as I hate it, I know in my heart I'm still doing it. I think it's going to take a long time.
I don't base my friendships on arbitrary affiliations but...he does. So, I have to work on letting go so I can make room for people in my life who love me for who I am, not what group I'm in. Star on my belly or not, I'm a pretty damn good egg. (re: "The Sneetches" by Dr. Seuss)

Beck_Melbourne

kheli

You will slowly come to terms with this new arrangement...being 'out' and being 'free' comes at a price. I miss people too...but we were friends only because of the things we had in common. Now the main common ground we shared has gone...and you friend will probably be missing you just as much...but her christian conscience won't allow her to involve herself in your life too much.

I think you will deal with it better if you don't dwell on the things you left behind...I know I don't anymore. I had some really good friends also...and I still love them dearly...but we don't keep in touch and it would be uncomfortable and awkward if we were to ever bump into each other again. But because I respect them as people...NOT as JW's...I don't intrude on their lives. They know where I am...and if they were to ever leave the borg...I know they would look me up.

I do have one dear friend who left the same time I did...she is now in the states in a new relationship and we email regurlarly as she is inactive now. Because she isn't DF she keeps in touch with most of the old friends we used to have so she updates me on all the happenings. But otherwise...I don't feel worse off without the old friends.

Beck

kheli

Kep:

Thanks for your reply. I hope there's hope for me and my friend. I'm still debating contacting her. Now may not be the best time anyway, I'm having a baby now and if any of the JW's got wind of it, all the rumors would resurface.

As for the loan, She has been very responsible in keeping up on it. Resently, she wanted to get a different vehicle in her own name, but due to some financial wreckage that my ex-husband got us into, her credit got messed up too. I offered to do a little intervention with the credit bureau and the bank, but she has never responded to me on it. I feel so bad that I can't make things right on that matter.

She's probably bitter about that too.

kheli

Beck,

Thanks for the different perspective. I do need to respect her decision to be a "good" JW.

Just a side point:
When I got DF'd, I was leaving because I was burned out on the lack of love in the congregation, the rules, the guilt and the idea that divorce is always a bad thing (unless adultery is a factor). So really, to walk away from the org was relatively easy, I ONLY felt bad about leaving my best girlfriend. Everyone else were just "substitutes".

I even thought, at one point, that I'd go back. But after having my eyes opened to the real truth, I KNOW I will not return. She promised that she'd be "waiting" for me when I got reinstated. So much for that reunion.

Dutchy

Even though they always preach love among the brothers as an identifying mark of a true christian, their friendship is often extended with one hand on a switch, ready to be flicked the moment you are inactive, disassociated or disfellowshipped. Once we realize that we won't expect too much from the "friends".

Beck_Melbourne

I agree with Dutchy...the love is 'conditional'. The love certainly is there as an identifying mark...BUT...there is also a lack of love too...it is very unevenly spaced. Some will show love only to the strong..some will show love only to the poor...some will show love only to those they are related to...it is a hypocritcal love.

I know that if I went back...my friends (old JW friends) would welcome me with open arms...but secretly I know that they envy me and my life now. They too would love to sleep in on a Saturday morning...or curl up and watch telly on meeting nights...or just watch a movie without reprisal. I miss my friends...but I wouldnt give up my life now for their love...take me as I am or not at all I say.

Beck

Forgotten/Unforgotten Friends

Share this