In a funeral... or when the JWs want to show they're different

by hijosdelawatch 17 Replies latest jw experiences

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  hijosdelawatch

  A couple of days ago I went to the funeral of an old age brother in his 80s.

  Well, that was the typical JW funeral although his daughter and the rest of his family are not Witnesses. As you know the brothers don't wear black clothes nor they show lot of sadness as a "prove" they believe in resurrection.

  The problem this time is some of them went too far. T wo sisters had red clothing and at the entrance a group of brothers were LITERALLY laughing. When a relative came to find out what was happening a sister told him they expect to see him in the New World and tried to start preaching him.

  It was sooo embarrasing!!! A lot of us were ashamed but some were happy to show that disrespect to feel apart from the world.

  Have you experienced something similar?
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  TOTH

  When my dad died back in 1994 the presiding overseer walked up to my brother (who was on his way OUT of the borg) and shook his hand and said, "You know what you need? You need a Bible study." No sympathies or even an I'm sorry that your dad dies. Nothing decent, just right to the point. Stupidass...
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  Tater-T

  they were late for my grandma services... that was the first time I had seen any in awhile.. didn't like there message, plus grandma never was a witnees on any level. Grandpa was an original Intl BS... he did three years later.. we did our own mermorial for him

  my brothers friend died young in a car crash... didn't go to service, remeber brother Reporting they didn't say any thing about him.. they just used it as platform to preach..... not surprised at this .

  they are certainly certain they are the best people in the world... sry for your loss bro

  L8R T8R
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  Babyruth

  At my mom's Witness funeral, a 'Sister' came up to me, I thought that she would offer her condolences. Instead she said " I can't believe that your not wearing pink. After all that was your mom's favorite color." AND not a word of condolence either.
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  stillin

  I'm warming up to the idea that I don't want a witness service. I hate to put my non-witness family through that but I'm not sure how to avoid it what with my wife being active...I'm not DFd or DAd but I hate for my family to have to endure the "infomercial."
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  Quendi

  It's wrong to paint all Witnesses with the same brush and this thread on funerals is no exception. I've attended some where the grief was tangible and genuine, and the talk that was given aimed at providing solace and comfort. I have seen a marked differences between funerals in the American South and those here in the Rocky Mountain West. The funerals I attended in the South were just that--funerals with an open casket, a procession of mourners filing past paying their last respects, and Witnesses giving comfort to grieving family and friends. In the West, I have yet to attend a Witness funeral. When a person died, the custom is to hold a memorial service instead. The body was then buried in a private graveside ceremony to which only family was invited and expected to attend. The funeral/memorial service talks I have heard (and given) were always aimed at mourners to not grieve endlessly but to look forward to the resurrection when Revelation 21:4 would be fulfilled. That is still my hope down to this day.

  So the experiences that some have had may well be typical of the area in which they live but by no means should they be held up as representative of Witness practice and belief. Just as we bristle when Witnesses heartlessly and callously criticize and condemn any and all who have left their ranks with the odious "apostate" label and all that it implies to the Witness mind, we must not fall into the same snare when we examine certain aspects of their religion.

  I speak as someone who has been disfellowshipped and mistreated by Jehovah's Witnesses and who has no intention of ever setting foot in a Kingdom Hall again, not even for the funeral of a former friend or family member. I want nothing to do with their religion; but I also don't want to adopt their unloving, hypercritical attitude. The solution to the angst Witness funeral practices may cause us is very simple: DON'T ATTEND. We can always extend our sympathies and condolences privately as I have had occasion to do.

  Quendi
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  3rdgen

  To Quendi, while I applaud your desire not to stoop to the low standards of the WT$ by painting all JW funerals and memorials with the same brush, I respectfully point out that the OP was asking if any had a similar experience at a JW funeral. Those that responded gave examples that show they had. There is nothing unfair about relating an experience if it is true and it is highly doubtful that anyone here is taking time to post ficticious experiences.

  This topic hits too close to home for me not to comment. When I was still an active JW my beloved firstborn son was killed. (my daughter is now an only child) He was 21 yrs old and an unbaptized pub. We had been estranged for several years when he was in his teens. He had recently become a "prodigal son" and moved back into my town, my life and my religion. I was on cloud 9. Untill that horrible Sun. when I got the news.

  How does a mother out of her mind with shock and grief PLAN a funeral??? I was sleep-walking. The Elder and family friend I asked to give the talk informed me that the service could not be held at the KH since my son was unbaptized. I was so sad anyway I didn't really care at the time. The funeral home was not large enough to accomodate the HUNDREDS of people who showed up. I remember that less than 5 min. was spent talking about my son. Only that he was outgoing and funloving. (so is my dog) the rest was an infomercial for the Borg. At the time I didn't know there was any other way to remember him. BUT what angers me to this day(7 yrs later) is remembering the ones who had a slap happy smile on their face and tried to get me to do the same.

  His Father and I had been divorced for several years and we both had remarried. There was still very bad blood between us. I tried so hard to maintain the dignity of the occasion but afterward my ex (who had left JWs years before ) started ranting to my distraught 19 yr old daughter, how the memorial was just JW propaganda. She, like her brother, was about to be baptised. These were horrible , hurtful words at the time, but now I agree. When you are burying your child there should be better comfort than JWs give.
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  Quendi

  @3rdgen:

  First, let me say how sorry I am for your loss and the subsequent additional pain you suffered at the hands of an insensitive and callous organization. The subject of funerals is also painful for me because my best friend was denied a Kingdom Hall venue for his memorial service because he had committed suicide. His widow refused to let any of the local elders have anything to do with the service--a decision I totally supported--and instead had an out-of-town Witness who had known her husband when he was a teenager give the talk. That talk still lives on in my mind more than twenty-five years later because of the warmth, love, sympathy and hope it contained. The speaker spoke about Tom as a loving friend, husband and father and related some funny experiences about him that had many of us laughing through our tears.

  As for the original post, what upset me with it was the poster's assertion that his experience was "the typical JW funeral". My point is that is not so as my own life experience has shown. I remember funerals and memorial services that were not "an informercial for the Borg" at all but were given with every intention of comforting the bereaved. The memorial service talk I gave was certainly in that vein and I know of many others that were given the same way.

  You are right to point out that the OP asked for other people's experiences in this matter. I wanted to give mine so that this discussion didn't descend into the morass of Witness-bashing, something that can so easily entrap all of us. This deplorable organization has harmed many, many people with its words, actions, and attitudes. It continues to do so and there can be no honest denial of that. But I don't want a discussion of this subject, one that will undoubtedly be painful for many who might participate or read it, to become another mud-slinging free-for-all. That is something the WTS and its false shepherds do only too well. And while there can be much to criticize about the WTS and while many of us have had all kinds of negative experiences with the organization, I hope that this thread can maintain a dignified air that throws light on the facts and avoids sweeping generalities as well as substituting anecdotes for solid evidence and proof. If we can do that, then more people will get real benefit from this discussion than they might have otherwise.

  Quendi
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  bigmouth

  In line with Quendi's comments; One of the things I had to learn when I was undergoing cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT), was to stop cult-like black and white statements. I was forced to frame statements of fact with the words "in my experience" so that others didn't feel immediately compelled to contradict me.

  Doing this made me own the experience and stopped me making the assumption that everybody else felt the same way.

  I wonder how I learned to think that way ?
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  Anony Mous

  The problem with JW funerals is that the outline as Quendi mentions, is really an infomercial for the WTBTS and nothing more. There are the 'good' elders that have compassion and write a good talk while sticking minimally to the script while others stick literally to the script (usually the ambitious elders) and some even go to the other side (such as zealot pioneer elders).

  I have seen worldly family walk out of the KH during such talks, one given by such zealot pioneer elder who literally said repeatedly that the deceased sinned and that's why she died.

  JW's in general are callous to grieving and death, which is also by design from the WTBTS in order to keep the family ties and bonding during such times to a minimum. Everything is already canned and scripted before a JW even dies, you refer to the 'literature' to organize everything, refer to the organization for the service, you're not supposed to give speeches or say things from the heart, you're not supposed to have a wake or a repast, you're not supposed to go to the grave etc. Everything is done to keep the family as far apart as possible and redirect them to the WTBTS.

  I'm really sorry for your loss, there is nothing more I can say or do about this. I'm glad you see the JW organization for what it really is. A good thing is that many present at some point will think about their own mortality and think back to the day they mocked you and the deceased. Hopefully they'll notice that something is wrong with the way they handle these things. At least it offends outsiders and keeps them away from the JW cult.