I'm in a pretty dark place...

OneDayillBeFree

I know many of you have felt this way but it still hurts.

I was doing fine, great actually but then all of the sudden a huge wave of pain hit my body out of the blue. Man its so hard living this life, always pretending, except when you're alone. I feel like its eating me from the inside.

So many times I want to just give up, on both sides. Like, just leave everyone that I know inside the org and be alone. But then there are other times when I say maybe I should just live my whole life pretending.

But I know I can't do that!

It can get pretty lonely when you're living a lie... And have no one to express yourself face to face with.

Dont get me wrong, I love this place! All of you are great! There's not a day that goes by without me checking this site!

But it can drive you pretty crazy sometimes. Sometimes I feel like life isn't going to get any better anymore and that I'd be better off forgotten since I'm going to be treated that way by the very people that "loved me dearly" once.

guess I just need someone to talk to...

Tater-T

Man its so hard living this life, always pretending, except when you're alone. I feel like its eating me from the inside.

There's a big Bright beautiful world out there... just the other side of the door.. six billion beautiful faces await....

hey man... I was out since 87 .. I felt like I was pretending to be a wordly person... i had no one to talk too.. if I did they didn't get it ..this site is been great..

http://www.youtube.com/user/tatertbug1?feature=mhee

That's my channel ... got some video's .. may cheer you up

tec

(((OnedayIllBeFree)))

I'm sorry for your pain. I understand loneliness, and I know it can be worse when you're surrounded by people, but you're living a lie. You aren't built to live a lie like that. It is understandable that the pain and the loneliness is going to crash into you once in a while. Don't worry about fighting it. Its okay to feel that way. One day, you might decide to be free no matter how 'they' might treat you. It'll be a different kind of pain, but it will also be a huge weight off your shoulders, of not having to act and lie and pretend all the time. Until that day, then I hope for strength for you.

At least there are so many here going through the same thing as you. You are not alone.

Peace and love to you,

Tammy

smiddy

OneDayillBeFree

Dont give up / dont give in, human beings are very complex,but whatever your situation,you are not alone,you can rest assured their are many people on this site that are in a similar situation your in,maybe contacting someone on the personal message icon who you feel you can relate to may help you. You dont have to be alone freind their are multitudes of people who will support you on this site,just give them a chance.

And trust me : today may be a dark place

but tomorrow : brings a new challenge

smiddy

zzaphod

Man, can I relate to the way you are feeling.

When I left the Dubs, 30 odd years ago, I was really on my own, although I did have a computer (Commodore 64), the internet was something that only NASA had access to!

Try to fill your time with worthwhile activities, if you`ve got a job, then put in some overtime, the extra money will deffinately help, or if you`re a student or whatever, dive into some productive study. It doesn`t have to be WTS related, allthough as I`m sure you`ll know by now there are umpteen thousand pages about the JWs faults.

I also joined my local Historical Society, just to meet & talk to people who had a similar intrest to me, that was away from religion, though, you may want to look at religion itself from a different prespective, to missquote Frankie Goes to Hollywood "The World is Your Oyster"

Try something different, I took up local history, and went back to college and earned a diploma in Social History, even though I am an electrician by trade.

I think the quacks (Psychiatrists) call it displacement therepy.

Chin up, and I`m sure you`ll do fine.

We`re all thinking of you.

Bast Wishes

Paul

Black Sheep

I guess I missed your first post while I was away for a while and I don't know your whole story.

My suggestion from the little I know is to take your family out with you.

While you are still in 'good standing' you can ask them sincere questions that can lead them to question the bOrg.

This is not easy.

Questions have to be sincere, but at the same time, you have to use what they have said in the past to guilt them for any crap answers or diversions they try.

It's a tightrope walk. Questions have to be asked in such a way that they can't accuse you of apostasy, but they feel compelled to answer your question because a stupid answer could have you questioning their sanity and the sanity of their religious leaders.

I'm a never baptised born in and all of my close family know that I question their doctrines and not one of them has had a go at defending their new overlapping generation doctrine. Not one. I reckon they know that I am waiting for them to give me the opportunity to ask them to defend it and they don't want to think about the consequences of having to deal with it.

Not one of them has offered me a 607 Watchtower. Not one. Why?

You don't know how worried they are until you see them having to confront their fears/doubts. For all you know, your family might be ready to be pushed out of the KH door.

Or you could just dump them and get on with your life. Who cares if a bunch of religious nut jobs trash your character?

Chris

steve2

Hang on to the hope that you will move on in your life - just like so very many of us have. In the early 1980s, I believed the JWs had me sized up correctly. They confidently predicted that I would end up killing myself or ending up begging to come back. In fairness, based on my child-like need to please people at that time, they probably had a good basis for their prediction. But in booting me out and cutting me dead they forced me to make a decision to grow up and stop acting like a child. I now look back and realize that, while they certainly did not mean to, the JWs callous behavior forced me to take a hard look at myself and them and begin to rebuild my life without them. Every now and then I'd have my moments of panic and self-doubt. But I kept making room for setbacks and remained determined to take responsibility for my life. Hang on in their. Taking responsibility for your life doesn't work if you're dead. HOIld on for dear life my friend!

soft+gentle

hey onedayillbe free, welcome. According to JWs we are all in darkness but what they refuse to see is that this darkness is the womb of the earth whilst they in their hubris are flying too close to the sun - look again and you will see their scorched appearance. The GB are already flailing and falling to the sea because their pseudo man-made wings are melting.

Hang in their whilst you put out roots.

The Searcher

Hi thank you so much for opening up your feelings, because for a while I thought that I was alone in feeling the way I did! I got comfort thinking about how the four fisherman who became Apostles must have felt during the months before they met the Messiah. How they must have been groaning over the priesthood in Jerusalem and the 'traditions that made God's word invalid'! But they waited patiently amongst their fellow righteous brothers for Christ to arrive and deal with the corruption. We are in the same situation today. (1 Peter 4:17) I believe there are many brothers and sisters around the world waiting silently - I'm sure there are a few in my congregation, but they dare not voice their concerns because of how they would be treated/viewed. 'He that endures to the end' Jesus said. You are definitely not alone, but you you should be strengthened to know that Ezekiel was inspired by Holy Spirit to prophesy about ones like you who hated what was being done 'in Jehovah's name'. (Ezekiel 9:4) Keep fighting the fine fight of the faith!

transhuman68

Don't know if this will help.... probably not, but anyway....('scuze the language)

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

Philip Larkin

I'm in a pretty dark place...

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