Is my marriage worth saving?

by sacdfan 66 Replies latest social relationships

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  sacdfan

  Long story - will make it short - I was a JW for 4 years. Hy husband took to it straigt away and has been a JW for 20 years - we were both converted by one of his workmates. Our 4 kids were all baptised JWs and thankfully 3 escaped (2 disfellowshipped, one fading) - so my eldest son is still in with his dad. We were both C of E when we married 25 years ago. The marriage has had its ups and downs - some terrible, some not so bad. Neither of us has 'cheated' in the fullest sense although he emotionally cheated with a student he went to college with 3 years ago. He used to skpye her for hours into the early hours of the morning and was always emailing her - he said it was college work but it all came out in the end - and it was a case of emotional cheating. It's funny - my sister went through a similar thing with her pig of an elder husband around the same time.

  Anyway, we never go anywhere, he goes to all meetings - hasn't missed one in 20 years. He is an auxiliiary pioneer - works for himself in building trade. I have a regular job - long hours - leave house 7am and get back around 8pm. I earn more than him and pay most of bills. I am a Christian (it's what has kept me sane over past 2 years) and my faith is getting stronger. He is more brainwashed by WT than ever. Sometimes we get on well but most of the time we go our own way. I have my friends, he has his. He never comes with me when I meet up with my friends. His friends (JWs) would never invite me to any of their get togethers or dinners - even though I am not DFd or DAd - just fading. I would love to have a dinner party with both sets of friends - mine would come, his wouldn't - this is just warped, isn't it??? He never says anything to his friends when they invite him without inviting me - he just refuses to go (but he would have refused to go anyway because he is a stick-in-the -mud) but I wish he would say 'You shoud invite x too!" because it would show me he cares - he never does.

  The more I think about my situation, the more sick it seems! How ridiculous not to be able to have a meal with both sets of friends. We can't even go out on Saturday or Sunday for the day because he goes out on the service - so we don't do anything together. I work long hours during the week and am free at weekends - he goes out knocking on strangers doors all weekend - good isn't it? Don't get me wrong, it isn't all bad. But we are drifting further apart.

  I love him - meaning that I worry about him and wouldn't want anything to happen to him - I love him like I love my sister - i'd do anything to hellp him - but this isn't a marriage, is it? I feel angry that we can't study the Bible together - why can't we go to a non-denominational service - if you can't worship together with your partner it is very serious to me. We can't even pray together. The phone is always going for him to do jobs on the kingdom hall, jobs for the congregation, jobs for the CO - the territory, sound system, literature etc... on and on.

  I know that if we could study the Bible together it would start to bring us closer (I know the atheists on here would disagree, but this is what I believe) . I know we could do things together to make use feel more like a couple, and I would do anything to change things. I have been trying for years, suggesting trips, things to do, places to go, but he is so tied up with the WT society that it all falls through and I am left feeling dead inside.

  What should I do?
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  LostGeneration

  Sounds like you love him, but are no longer "in love" with him.

  As long as he keeps going to the KH, his first "love" will always be the borg. They are keeping too busy to think, and if he has already rejected your prior suggestions then I can't see him changing.

  If you feel like playing second fiddle for the rest of your life, stay with him. If not...well then you know what to do.
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  journey-on

  How do your DF'd children get along with him? For me....how he treats my children would be my deciding factor. You may be different. I couldn't tolerate a man that shunned his own children.
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  slimboyfat

  How do you manage not to get disfellowshipped if you attend church?
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  Open mind

  Tell him the gist of what you just wrote. Make sure it's at a time when neither of you are tired or cranky.

  Then ask if he's willing to talk to a marriage counselor. (Not JW elders either.)

  Just a thought.

  om
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  Ding

  Sacdfan,

  I've sent you a PM in reponse to your post.
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  flipper

  SACDFAN- I'm so sorry your marriage has deteriorated to the position it is in and the position you find yourself at presently. You asked our opinions - I will give you mine and I'll cut to the chase trying not to be blunt , yet I''ll be straightforward and honest with you. Experienced this myself in a 19 yr. marriage to a JW - divorced in 1998.

  You ask : " Is my marriage worth saving ? " From how you have described it- I would say no, it's not. Basically most of us may live 70 - 80 years if we have good health. If we are very lucky we may reach 90 or 100. You have already spent a quarter of a century with a man who values his position and love affair with a high control organization Jehovah's Witnesses. THAT is what he values - not his wife. If he did he would put you first on his list of priorities .

  You stated, " I love him like my sister " . And partly therein lies your answer in what you need to do. If you do not love this man as a married people normally love each other and he devalues you- then you need to value yourself more and be with a man or someone else who will build up your value and self esteem. This man you've been with has been trained in an organization to devalue women and children. It's a patriarchal organization. You stated " I know that if we studied the Bible together it would start to bring us closer ". Well, not really. YOU would be studying the Bible, HE would be studying the WT society's interpretation of the Bible which for men involves domination of one's wife and holding them under submission and control like men do in the Middle East. I feel you both STILL would not be operating in harmony.

  If he has been disrespectful of your viewpoints for this long - I would say it's time to stop beating a dead horse. Bring up your differences to him and ask him to go to a professional marriage counselor for therapy together. If he answers " no " - then you have your answer as to what you should do. Unless you are into being unhappy the rest of your life , I advise a change. It seems you have 3 of 4 adult children out of the Witnesses and I'm sure they'd be very supportive to you and would be your advocates and show loving support to you.

  I wish you the best my friend. I know it's tough, but you need to do what's best for you physically, mentally, and emotionally. Otherwise your life may go downhill in some of those areas . Take care, Peace out, Mr. Flipper
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  sacdfan

  Thamks for your replies.

  LostGeneration - you hit the nail on the head - love him but not 'in-love'

  Journey-on - he treats my kids the same - disfellowshiped or not - they are still wecome at our house. He has odd ways - he is totally 'in it' in some ways but likes to do him own thing in other waays. He would never hebave differently to the kids because he knows that would be the nail in the coffin and I'd leave because they are my life. I wonder what he would be like if I wasn't here - it sometimes crosses my mind.

  Slimboyfat - I have said the most outrageous things to elders and still haven't been DFd. They know me well and know I have a BIG mouth and would seek legal advice, ask to bring a solicitor along - I'd do my research into current laws. I also have lots of contacts in the press and I think they are a little wary of me. They also fear that being hard on me could backfire and they could lose my husband - he is so useful to them! I know I said he is totally brainwashed, but he wouldn't want me disfellowshipped. Personally I couldn't give a damn - the elders know that - they know I will kick up a stink, go to all the local papers, start spouting my human rights, threaten them with bad publicity, and I have quite a bit of dirt on a couple of elders and servants and 'd like to cause them as much trouble as they caused one of my sons when he was disfellowshipped. Just the threat of a scandal keeps them in their place!

  Open mind - the only councellors he would go to are the elders - nobody else - we have been through this many times :(

  Thanks Ding - checking message now.
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  sacdfan

  Flipper,

  I always read your posts - thanks for this I understand what you mean - it does seem he is putting an organisation before me, but that's because they leave him no time to spend any of his precious time with me. When can we squeeze it in? He works as a self-employed builder, I work full time in a really stressful job. The WT has arranged it so that divided homes will always be just that - divided. When do we have any time to do anything together? He won't even miss the ministry session at the weekend to go somewhere. I'd have to kick up a huge fuss, scream and shout, throw things about, give him the silent treatment - and then he might miss one Saturday once in a blue moon. But why should I have to go through all this just to get him to spend 4 hours with me on a Saturday once a quarter?
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  yknot

  I understand.

  You are waiting.

  Waiting for him act like the guy you married.

  Waiting for him to value you and yall's marriage.

  Waiting for him to act as Head of Household and your protector.

  Waiting for him to behave like the good Dubbie/Christian he professes to be.

  Waiting

  Waiting

  Waiting

  In this time of waiting however he has abandoned you on many levels even so far as to have an emotional affair. Was this an emotional affair one of the heart or one of distraction? Well he didn't file for divorce and run off with her so it is safe to assume he was using her as a distraction from dealing with his situation with you. That is WEAKNESS.

  Millions of Dubbie and Non-Dubbie men manage to balance their lives and still have time for their wives. (Stick in the mud = just don't care to put the effort or make the priority)

  I read your comments about a non-romantic love for him but your other comments betray your feelings of hurt by being rejected/ abandoned by him. Reading the Bible together means you want to rebond your connection with each other, not of a woman looking for justification to leave.

  You still are in love with him on some level (probably that bright-eyed girl from 25 years ago still seeing the man who captured her heart). However the mature woman who is desperately trying to find reason and demanding validity is screaming at the top of her lungs inside of you.

  Its over, it was over the minute he decided to stop valuing/loving you as his life partner. (Again weakness because he didn't own his decision/choice openly and honestly and doing the honorable thing and leaving you so that you could move forward with your life and closure)

  This has nothing to do with what you did or didn't do, it is all on him.

  Take time to grieve.

  Console the younger voice that has longingly pined away for him for YEARS.

  Take strength in the mature voice that whispers 'You are wothhy, You are an Amazing Person, You deserve to be in a relationship that not only allows for you to give all that love you have to share but receives the same in return from a man who thinks you are his lil piece of paradise on Earth!'........

  Take time to plan, gather your resources.....leave on even footing so that you don't have to look back.

  Sometimes it is through loss and heartbreak that we discover inner strength, beauty, freedom and happiness that can only be found with new experiences of a new life.

  He is a coward unworthy of your love.

  Huggles and Love my Sister