After a terrible break up and being away from the congregation for about 10yrs I started to think about coming back. I couldnt even watch the news anymore because of the termendous anxiety it would cause. I felt that there was a target on my back and the big A would surely come before I could get my act together. about 3 yrs ago I was at a party. A friend of mine started to date a new girl. SHe brought friends....One of those friends was Jen (not real name). When I was in the congregation, I was friends with her brother. We spent the entire night in the corner catching up. She was DF'd. Her husband had killed himself and she ended up in a moment of weakness commiting fornication. She had been out for about 2 yrs and was having a hard time getting reinstated. Since she was dating a non believer the elders were giving her a tough time.
Anyway, She had said some things a bout was was going on in the congregation. Especially about how things were speeding up, we didnt have a book study anymore, and how so many of my old friends were in her hall that I grew up with. When the memorial came around, I went to her congregation. I then went to the special talk, and then I began attending meetings again. I remember one talk that was given was focused on getting back to Jah....I felt like the speaker knew me and was talking to me.... It had been about a year since I broke off my engagement. It was a rough one too....I was feeling lonely and depressed.
Even though I was df'd, the friends in the hall were friendly. Obviously no one chatted wth me, but I would be coming from deep in the parking lot and one of the friends would be holding the door open with a big smile on their face... Or I would get the walk by pat on the shoulder or back when I sat in a Isle. The elders met with me... One of the brothers was so warm and loving. His son was df'd for a long time. I can tell he was pulling for me. After 6mos, I put my letter in. The elders met with me but didnt tell me anything right away. What was weird this time they prayed with me. They other 2 times we met they didnt. In turns out since I was gone so long they needed to write the society since the congregation i was orginally in reorganized. About 8 weeks later I was reinstated. It was a great feeling.
About 6 mos after being reinstated. My ex shows up at my door Hysterical crying. She told me that she wanted to work things out. Long story short, I told her that I could not trust her and that I was back in the congregation. She began to ask alot of questions, she could tell some thing was different about me. After a few weeks, I put her interest in the right perspective, and a pioneer sister in the hall started to call on her and study.
We began to talk all the time.... I still loved this women but I was so devasted about what she did and was hurt. But, here she was studying and taking to the truth. Could I make myself forgive her, would the truth bring integrity to our relationship so I could trust her. Her family was less than pleased about her new interests...Her Mom started to do some internet research online. After a few months, she stopped her study and we stopped talking and she sent me a letter
It was a 4 page letter very personal and emotional, I think it was the closure she and I needed...... The letter ended with... I dont want you to mad at me... I think you should take a look at this website and keep your eyes and heart opened to it... The website was www.JWfacts.com
I have been back in the congregation now for about 2yrs or so attending for almost 3, I spent the last 11/12 years thinking I was dying at Armaggedon. I finally felt safe and secure back in the truth. But things have bothered me about some of the things written in the publications. I always felt apostates were bitter angry evil people. To be honest, some are. But I opened up pandoria's box. And now Im here. I have been all over the internet researching for the last few months.
Im still active, I yo yo about the feelings I get when Im at the meetings.... I sometime cry the whole drive home. I feel quilty like I have commited a sin being here and some times liberated. I understand that I know things now I cant ignore. Im processing what has happened and what I have learned. I started talking to a therapist for the first time in my life just a 3 weeks ago.... Life coach's are amazing and the hour goes by in seconds.... I know what ever I decide, I will be ok...I just need to find my way and fiqure it out. Im scared, confused and sometimes wish I just didnt know....but Im hoping to make new friends. Deal with my anxiety and bypass states of depression and take my life in the direction I see fit.
looking forward to your support and friendships
Thanks for listening. (reading) :)