We believe that 99.9% of earth’s population will be soon put to death because of their unrighteousness and hatred of God. This probably means that you won’t make it. Sorry bout that.
God is using us to warn the entire world of mankind. The warning message is that all people must come to the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society for salvation. We are the narrow path that Jesus spoke of in the Sermon on the Mount.
We believe that a Middle Easter King named Nebuchadnezzar (who lived 2600 years ago) had a dream that predicted all of the world powers up to modern times (except for China, Mongolia, the Incas, Aztecs, and Mayans.) The world power that exists today will be the last standing Kingdom at Armageddon.
This same King had another dream that pointed to October 5 th or 6 th of the year 1914 AD as the year that Christ would return. Christ is now invisibly ruling over the earth. This complicated calculation of “times”, which actually equal 2520 days, is based on 4 scriptures in three separate books of the bible, and relies on both the lunar and solar calendars. Even more amazing is the connection between the Great Pyramid of Egypt and Christ’s invisible reign.
Even though Christ is ruling invisibly, there is still war, sickness, pain and suffering. However we can tell he is present because of our “spiritual” paradise within the organization.
Christendom’s Churches are actually evil when they provide hospitals, schools and relief missions to humanity. It is better to give a starving Ethiopian mother a Watchtower magazine, rather than food, shelter, medicine and an education.
We believe that the “this generation that will not pass away” mentioned in Matthew 24:34 actually refers to the “anointed”, people who were alive to see 1914, a wicked class of humanity in general, the anointed who knew an anointed person who saw 1914.
We believe that every number mentioned in the book of Revelation is symbolic and not to be taken literally except for 144,000 which apply to our leaders who go to heaven. We believe that the heavenly calling stopped in 1935 is still ongoing today with almost 12,000 on earth today.
We believe that organ transplants are the same as cannibalism are fine. Even though blood is an organ, we cannot transplant that specific organ, because it is the same as eating blood which the bible forbids. But livers and kidneys are cool.
All divine communication to humankind today comes through a committee of 7 elderly men in Brooklyn New York. They speak for God. If you don’t follow them and obey their every word you will soon die at Armageddon.
We believe the Governing Body of 7 elderly men represents all of the “anointed” ones on earth. Even though the Governing Body doesn’t know who these “anointed” are or have any way to communicate with them, they still represent them in communicating God’s commands to the 7,000,000 true servants of God on earth today.
The Harlot of Revelation is actually all Christian Churches riding the back of the political system. She fell from her position in 1919 when God selected the Bible Students (Jehovah’s Witnesses) as his special people. Thankfully the true religion has never involved itself in the political systems….except for that one or two times…..
The 7 trumpets in Revelation actually pointed to 7 conventions in the 1920’s. Praise Jah for this wonderful fulfillment.
We believe that it is important to study older publications of the Society, except for anything written by Brother Russell especially the Finished Mystery, anything written by Rutherford, and select magazines from 1969.
The prophets Elijah and Elisha in the bible really foreshadowed JF Rutherford and NH Knorr respectively.
We believe that the real reason there continues to be sickness and death and tragedy is because God (the most powerful being) is waiting to settle a bet with Satan (the most evil being). The Bible doesn’t say how long the bet will last.
We believe that all sex except for “missionary style” sex is against God’s wishes. Oral and anal sex will cut you out of Paradise. He gave you a mouth to speak, and an ass to crap out of. That’s it. We know this is true because the Governing Body (7 mostly celibate men) say so.
Jade jewelry has origins in the occult.
We don’t clink glasses for toasts at parties because of the practices pagan origins.
We wear wedding rings despite their pagan origins.
Beards indicate that you are a rebellious arrogant person.
Women wearing pants indicate immodesty and improperness.
Jean skirts are evil.
Holidays such as Mothers Day and Fathers Day are prohibited by God because he doesn’t like anyone to get attention that he deserves. But still observe the command to honor your father and your mother, just not in May or June.
Celebrating the anniversary of your birth is prohibited because two guys died on their birthday in the bible. Celebrating the anniversary of your marriage is allowed, because no one in the bible ever died on their anniversary.
We believe that it is right for a 6 year old to be baptized making a lifelong commitment to the organization. We also believe it is right for that same 6 year old to be cut off from their family for the rest of their lives if they screw up once. Once they are 18 years of age all family connections will be severed. Don’t screw up.
The bible forbids whole blood transfusions, with the exception of blood fractions which when combined can be made up of 99% of blood. Some fractions are allowed because they naturally pass from mother to fetus. White blood cells are not allowed even though they pass from mother to infant via breastfeeding.
We believe that there was a global flood about 4500 years ago. The flood waters covered all dry land including Mount Everest. All of earth’s creatures except for the dinosaurs were held in a floating box for almost a year. Somehow kangaroos were able to swim to Australia after the flood waters receded. We are not quite sure where all of the water went after it receded.
When we are persecuted for our unique beliefs it is evidence that we are Jesus’ followers and have God’s blessing. When we are not persecuted it is evidence that we have God’s blessing.
We believe that the growth of kingdom publishers indicates that God’s spirit is upon the organization. We also believe that closing branches and kingdom halls are evidence that God is “speeding it up in his own time”.
I hope that this primer is informative. Please feel free to add any points that I missed.
Your brother,
SIAM