A “Born ins” challenge to develop a post cult personality.
Mentally leaving the organization can be traumatic for a number of reasons. One of the biggest challenges for born-ins in finding their “pre cult” personality is that our entire personalities are based on the religion. There is no such thing as a “pre cult” personality for us. Once you realize that the truth is a lie and that the things you have learned are false you look inside and realize that you are simply a shell of a person filled with sadness at being decieved.
As a “born in” you see the world in a very black and white way. Things are right or wrong, good or bad. Your personal conscience is not really your own, it is built on the mandates of some man in Brooklyn who has declared what is right and wrong for you. As a “born in” you accept that and never learn how to make a personal decision based on facts, logic or reason. You simply obey.
Your approach to the future is different from the people around you. You have always operated under the assumption that there is no real future for you in this world. Soon God was going to wipe away sickness, poverty and death and all of your problems would be over. This belief stunted your long term view and made goals such as financial stability, higher educational opportunities and retirement oddly unappealing despite the sound logic and rationale behind them.
As a “born in” you might have developed a social disability that prevents you from becoming too close to anyone who is “worldly”. This same disability at the same time affects your relationship with those within the faith. You are often times on guard about what you say and the thoughts that you express for fear that you become labeled as weak or bad association. All of your relationships are superficial at some level because inside you know that there might be the chance that you will have to cut-off a friendship if the organization demands it. Why get too close to someone that you might have to shun? This caution results in having few close friends that you can share honest thoughts and feelings with. This condition is tantamount to social purgatory or limbo at the best.
Complicating matters for many is the fact that loved ones are still trapped within the cult. For many of us these loved ones such as our husbands, wives, and children make the shell of a life that we have worth living. What do you do about this?
So since so much of your personality is based on the dogma of the organization it can be a challenge to start from scratch in building your own life. I am in that position as are many here. These are the questions that I ask myself to try to fill in this shell.
What do I love to do? What makes me laugh? Where do I want to be in 10 years, 20, or 30, or 50 (hopefully)? What type of people do I want to be friends with? What are personal qualities that I value? If I died today, what would I want people to say about me? How do I give back to my community in ways that are measurable? What can I do to make sure my kids are raised without a “cult personality”?
Hopefully one day I will be a person with a “post cult” personality. I want to be someone who looks for the best in others, who inspires others and who has more laugh wrinkles than frown lines. I want to live my life without fear and I want to die with dignity and no regrets.
It is a process I realize. I feel that many who are born ins are in the same position. The challenge is trying to figure out how to build a personality that never really existed?
SIAM