A “Born ins” challenge to develop a "post cult" personality.

by stuckinamovement 42 Replies latest jw friends

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  Phizzy

  I really feel for those born in, and who have members of their household, or very close family still in, I am so sorry that the struggle is a constant one for you.

  If you are in a household like mine, wifey and I left together, it makes it so much easier to simply slough off the old JW way of thinking and speaking.

  I had a very strong personality of my own, I never was a fully believing JW and never went along with all the silliness, so again, easy for me, but I can see how hard it must be for some.

  It still hurts that I have had so many wasted years, that I was so abysmally ignorant, and that my whole Worldview has had to change, even if that old view was not 100% JW.

  I hope you all manage to get your closest loved ones out, if not your whole family, but even if you do not, you will find that as time passes a "New You" starts to emerge, though you may not be aware of it until someone says "You used to............(whatever)" and you think to yourself "Boy, I have changed !"

  You will have the satisfaction too of knowing you are becoming a much better person.

  I think the questions you are asking yourself, and the goals you are setting, are excellent SIAM, and show that you are already so very free in your mind and heart.

  All the best to you, and to all in your situation.
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  winstonchurchill

  Sometimes I think being a born-in biggest effect on me is the inabilty to see beyond a few years. Where do I want to be in 10 or 20 years. We were not prepared for that (the end would come in 75, right?). So all was about short term goals (prefereably pionnering goals). We were not prepared to see parents get old and die; we were not prepared to plan, age, retire.

  Por the past few years I've worked hard on getting past this limitation (and others).
• 

  breakfast of champions

  I've always had a pretty strong sense of "self" -- perhaps because my father was a wicked, evil worldly man and encouraged me to use my brain, and probably because it's just part of my makeup. Being mentally out, I feel the same the same as before, but better. The main thing that changed for me was my worldview, which is now grounded in reality rather than in fantasy jwworld. First thing I did when I woke up is what I would have done if I hadn't gotten baptized my last year of HS - I enrolled in college.

  The hardest thing for me to see the rest of my family still spinning their wheels going nowhere-- it can get depressing. Its like there is just this malaise over everyone, but of course "satan" is to blame for that. If they only knew.

  I think my wife's greatest fear is at times that I am such an independent person, that I could just say "the hell with the religion, and you too!" ---- though that's just another JW thought control technique!
• 

  lisaBObeesa

  Stuckinamovement, your post is so clear and beautiful describing what it is like to be born in, and the work that must be done once a person is out. It also lines up perfectly with child development theory.

  From the perspective of child development theory:

  Children raised JWs are not allowed to develop normally because their adolescent developmental NEEDS are not met.

  Each stage of human development has certain needs, and these needs must be met for development to proceed in a healthy way. Infants need to learn to trust and to feel secure. Preschoolers need to practice doing things on their own (‘NO! Let ME do it! I can pour the milk myself!) School age kids need to DO stuff (bike ride, build models, play house, whatever)

  JWs can raise very developmentally healthy children.... up to this point.

  But adolescents have needs, too. They NEED to try out identities (am I a preppy person? A rocker? An athlete?). They NEED to feel connected to a wide variety of peer groups to do it. They try out different clothes, music and friends. They need to question their beliefs and look for reasons for beliefs. JW parents who insist on following the Borg rules cannot allow their children to meet these developmental needs. Forcing an adolescent to live by Borg rules is abusive and damaging to their development.

  Because JW adolscents can't do the important work of adolescence, people raised as JW don't achieve the results of all that work: their own adult identity. (instead they become 'identity forclosed' or 'identity diffused.')

  We who were raised in have to go back and do the developmental work of adolescence that we didn't do as teenagers. It takes teenagers 5 to 8 years to do this work and establish an identity of their own, so we should give ourselves lots of time. After all, we have to do the work of being adults AND the work of adolescence at the same time, so it could take us longer. And we should be very patient with ourselves, allowing ourselves to go out on limbs to try things, allowing ourselves to try things and fail, or try identities and then reject them when we find 'that's not me'....this is all part of the process....

  The good news is that we are normal, we are not broken. We are just doing this work later than most people do it.
• 

  dinah

  I think being a born-in biggest effect on me is the inabilty to see beyond a few years. Where do I want to be in 10 or 20 years.

  That was my main issue as well.

  As far as the "black and white" thinking, I've never had that. Even when I was a small child, I understood some things are "gray". That may be one reason it was impossible for me to stay in that religion.

  For the most part, we missed our developmental years constantly attending meetings and field service and staying away from worldly people. We miss learning how to be social like most children do. We were frequently outcasts, because apparently it pleases god when children are confused or embarassed.

  It does get much better. Like someone else stated, we just get a late start getting to know ourselves.
• 

  Alligator Wisdom

  Excellent opening post.

  I can relate 100%, as I remember first stepping into a Kingdom Hall at 5 years of age.

  I'm in the midst of locating my real identity now in my mid-40's. At first it was tragic. Now I try to view it as a wonderful journey. Being able to try something just a little different keeps my sanity in check.

  Thanks again SIAM for putting in words what many of us feel.

  Alligator Wisdom (aka Brother NOT Exerting Vigorously)
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  winstonchurchill

  Alligator, are you sure you are not me? You just described me!
• 

  stuckinamovement

  Thanks for the feedback. From your comments it is clear that I am not the only one trying to build a "post cult" personality. Looks like we are all in good company.

  SIAM
• 

  THE GLADIATOR

  John_Mann "The very pain is to live in a world you not raised to live in. They promised that we never grow old in this "system of things". Willing or not I think that meme will be with us forever in our subconscience."

  That sums it up perfectly.

  (By the way my father brought someone called John Mann into the religion. I was also about 4 at the time and lived in London. Maybe not your father but it made me think)

  With regard to the opening post of this thread - although our mind is conditioned by what we are told to believe when young, we can rebel and break out of the mental prison we have been held in. Our natural personality will come through and flourish once we are free, if we allow it to.
• 

  tornapart

  What I want to know SIAM is how do we go about doing it? Especially when you're in your 'senior' years and everyone you know is 'in it'. How can you go about finding your real self? I was born and brought up a JW. pioneered straight from school, got married, had kids (and dead end jobs) and now have a grandchild... so.. what do I do next and how??? Is it just a waste of time even attempting it at this time of life?

  And I'm sure I'm not the only one asking this...