I just wanted to say first off thank you all for the warm welcome and kind words. Despite what i've been told by the WBTS, I have a hard time believing people in the 'world' are by default bad just because they're non-JWs. So thanks for the kindness.
Anyway. I'm 22 years old and music has always been a good distraction for me seeing as how I haven't had the easiest life. Mmother divorced my non-JW father when I was an infant, and my alcoholic dad always seemed more like a distant boogie man than a father to me. I've always had an 'old mind', due to my experiences, and 'growing up fast' as the man in the house. Most of the people ive talked to or related to in my life have been older than me. With the exception of a few close friends, i've never been able to relate to any 'young' crowd. I've just always operated on a 'smarter' level than most people my age.
-Please note: my parents aren't the most effective JWs, as there's immense hypocrisy and moral flaws in their mindset. They are truely tortured people. As much as I love them, they've made alot of mistakes which have left them regretful and somewhat bitter in their lives. I never want to be like them.-
Before I studied the bible, I was an aspiring writer. I had established some connections to some local indie filmmakers, comic artists, etc. a bunch of different guys. Even some old highschool aquaintances (aquaintances, not friends). I'd written tv & movie scripts, short stories, poems and portions of potential novels. I had dreams, but then it all came to a halt. I also wrote songs, and wanted to start a band. There were 3 things in life I knew I never liked: politics, hate, and religious snobs. But I always had a profound "fear" of God. I had the energy and passion of a rebel youth but I guess you can say a laid back, more 'wise' nature of some old conservative monk lol. I was non-labeled, i was just me. I wanted a higher power to acknowledge. My parents never shunned me even though for years i kind of ignored the truth, atleast when I turned 14. As soon as i entered highschool I experimented, yet they never tried to shove anything down my throat.
I always believed in the supernatural, in a multiverse concept, in multiple gods of all theologies co-existing. I did this because i didn't believe that anything was really impossible. Angels, aliens, vampires, cosmic entities, teleportation, etc, etc. It was all possible at once. Why should one opinion be right? what if we're all right? But yet the way we interpret these supernatural beings in scripture are wrong? it seemed logical to me, and became my safety net emotionally and mentally for years. Even so, since I figured I could be in any one of these 'realities' and worship any god I pleased, I chose Islam. Before long I became more into it as a devout Muslim, Sunni Muslim to be exact. Yet the ritualistic aspect of it proved too hard for me to keep up with. Then I went farther east after researching Hinduism to discover the Baha'i Faith. I found for the first time a sense of community and self: something that was always lacking in the JWs. I was always treated like the 'black sheep'. I was hard to pin down into a label, so I couldn't be apart of this clique or the other. Yes believe it or not JWs have a clannish mentality, specifically young ones.
Then my aunt passed away. I became....desperate I guess. I became a hypocrite because I succumbed to what I never thought I would. I looked to the bible. The Baha'is did not believe in certain 'otherwordly' or supernatural answers, and I needed an answer of what would happen to my aunt. If I would see her again or not. She was like a second-mother to me (beyond my grandmother) and my answer came in a brother who was supportive of the family, an elder who is now my 'mentor'. It also came from a very pretty girl who came to my house for a small get together after my aunt's funeral. She was young like me but yet she was passionate about 'the truth'. She had her whole life ahead of her, she was smart and intelligent and funny and beautiful yet she dedicated herself to this life. So I asked myself, 'why'? I had to find out what this was all about as a man. So here I am. I feel good to be able to live a clean, moral life yet I feel doubts constantly. Add that to the fact that, on a less theological level, there's this stupid 'us and them' mentality in my congregation and i'm kinda at odds with what to do. Whew, this was long, lol sorry guys. But I just wanted to be honest with everyone here, and here from your experiences, and get your opinions. God bless!