As a JW, there was a period of time when I could not have been more genuine in my desire to "do Jehovah's will". On one particularly long drive for business, when I was alone and "fighting doubts about the truth," I prayed out loud - emotionally - for help distinguishing truth from lies. I poured my heart out in several chunks out of 4 hours and I experienced feelings I'd never felt... such distinct feelings that I quickly attributed it to holy spirit. I never would've done that if I didn't know Jehovah was real.
Now I believe my motives were as altruistic as they could be at that particular moment so if I interpreted those feelings correctly, then maybe I should still be a JW, eh? And if interpreted them wrong, why would holy spirit be so ambiguous that I misunderstood?
FFWD a few years - I've since felt the same thing two or three times when talking to my wife and my family at particularly emotional times, but at those moments, I'd already lost my faith in any deities. Was it holy spirit? A far simpler explanation is that strong emotions can produce physiological effects and that I had misattributed those previous feelings precisely because I was emotional and had already framed my experience to be a spiritual one. I set myself up for deception.
The human psyche is an amazing thing. Faith, to me, is this:
Today, I see no convincing logic or evidence to believe in a personal, intervening god, especially not the ones described in ancient literature. I don't even like using the term "god" since it is nearly inseparable from subjective religious bias. Scientifically untouchable realms may exist all around us but that would lend no credence to the capricious, self-absorbed god described in the Bible.
I'm open to the idea that we are not the highest intelligence in the universe as much as I'm open to the idea that we are an experiment, volunteers in a simulation, or a form of live entertainment for some less-than-benevolent entities. But those hypotheses are unfalsifiable. If and when supporting evidence presents itself for any grand ideas, I'll jump on board. Until then, here's what I do know:
- Lots of questions remain unaswered for me at the moment, but I know that's in large part due to my own ignorance. I'm trying to remedy that as much as possible by educating myself in science and math.
- I know that much of what is perplexing to me right now is pretty well understood by biologists, neurologists, physicists, and the like, who have devoted lifetimes to their respective fields.
- I know specific things that perplex today's biologists, neurologists, and physicists will be better understood by future generations of high school students, assuming Homo sapiens survive a few more decades.
So I refuse to, as Isaac Azimov put it, 'surrender to ignorance and call it God, since that has always been - and remains to be - premature.'
On the bright side, I think we would have more reason to be concerned if we were a reflection of our creator's image than having no designer at all (which, by the way, is a false dichotomy since deism and pantheism are also up for grabs). If a designer possessing the full gamut of human emotion was responsible for our existence - that would be scary. Just look at how we treat less intelligent species.... or even our own.