As many of you know, my father passed away last Monday.
I found out Monday evening and flew into Chicago Wednesday morning, from Columbus, Ohio.
My Dad's sister Mary, and his best friend Ed were close by and started handling all the funeral arrangements.
I initially heard the news from my mother. She and my father have been divorced for approximately 26 years. My father remarried in 1976 and subsequently had 2 more children, Corey and Tim. He got divorced again in 1990, from 2nd wife Sharon.
I called Sharon to check on Tim and Corey on Monday night. Sharon was polite, however, one of her first questions to me was "do you know if your father has a life insurance policy?" I said I did not know. I said I had called his apartment, trying to reach my aunt Mary and ended up with Corey on the phone. Corey was sobbing and crying and I really could not understand what he was saying.
I explained this to Sharon and expresed my hope he was OK; he sounded so upset. She said "oh, he is drunk...he has been drinking since we found out this morning about your father. He is going to be just like his dad-a loser."
I ignored her comment and asked to speak to Tim, who is the younger of the two boys. Tim is 19, Corey is 24.
Tim seemed in control and could speak clearly. He said he went to wake up my fahter because it was not like him to sleep so late. He found him in bed, unconscious. He tried to rouse him and in a panic, phoned his mother. Then he called 911. His mother lives 5 minutes away and reached my Dad's home before the paramedics. She tried CPR and got no response. The paramedics came and could not revive him. They took him to a local hospital and he was pronounced dead, of a heart attack.
Apparently, Sharon, Tim and Corey went to my father's apartment and went through his things looking for money and his life insurance policy. They did not find anything.
I found this out from my aunt. She also lives 5 minutes from my Dad and they called her from his apartment, telling her what happened. She went right over to his apartment and later told me it looked like clothing, shoes, books, etc, were pulled from drawers and shelves, in an obvious attempt to find something.
My aunt took over. She asked my Dad's ex-wife to stay out of it. She got in touch with my father's best friend (40 years) and together they got in touch with a funeral home and started the process to have him cremated. Ed signed all the documents to be responsible for the cost of the funeral.
In the meantime, my aunt called my father's work to ask about his 401k and his life insurance. She and Ed wanted to make sure that his funeral could be paid for. They refused to tell her anything. She is not a direct decendant; at least that was the explanation.
Cut to Wednesday. I had got to Chicago and stopped by my mother's home. She lives close to O'Hare airport and it was on my way to the hotel I was staying at. She was very upset and cried and cried. She said my sister, who has been estranged from the family for years was going to drive in from Baltimore.
(my sister and my father saw each other at an uncle's funeral in October 2001. my sister then sent myself and my mother e-mails saying she hated us and never wanted to speak to us again. I spoke to my father two weeks ago and he said numerous e-mails and phone calls to her remained unanswered. He said since she said such hateful things to my mother and myself, he did not want to try anymore. The consensus is that she is mentally ill-that is another story.)
I went to see my aunt on Wednesday and we spent a long time talking about all the years we missed. I last saw her about 5 years ago. She and I reconnected and we agreed that if my father's second wife, Sharon, started to create a scene at the funeral, we would take her down.
In the meantime, I phoned my father's employer and spoke to the human resources person. She said she could not tell me who the beneficiary was of my father's 401k. (without being too smart, it did not take a rocket scientist to figure out I was not on it.) I said "Oh, it must be my Dad's friend Amy." Yes, she said, excitedly, do you know her address and phone number? Your dad has old information." I was floored; I had guessed on it being Amy. I was hoping I was wrong.
My father (age 63) and Amy were roommates. Amy is 30. Apparently, my Dad had a thing for her and she considered him a "friend." This was what my father told me a few months ago. Amy moved to Colorado and he visited her for a week. She had a new live in boyfriend and my Dad said it was really uncomfortable for him. He thought he and Amy were going to "get closer."
My aunt called Ed and told him we at least knew who the beneficiary was on the 401k. The HR lady refused to tell me anything about his life insurance, saying it was confidential and they needed to research it.
My aunt and I went to my father's apartment. His apartment was in a building which used to be a maintaince facility for a country club. The country club is still there and his "building" was on the fringe. I was amazed by what I found. My father was a pauper. He had very little. A bed and nightstands, an entertainment center, TV and some dishes.
Ed came by to help us start to clean out the apartment. Corey and Tim had been by and took the TV, VCR, cash (apparently my father always had about $100.00 in his pocket) and anything they could carry. The apartment was a mess. My father was very neat.
Mary, Ed and I started sorting what to throw out and what to give to charity. As I was sorting, I came across his life insurance policy. His ex-wife and the boys had missed it. It was on top of a tall dresser in his bedroom. I am 5'9 and the boys and Sharon are all about 5'6. I called my aunt and showed her the document. It was a standard employer policy-1 times your salary. (my father's salary was $42,000.)
On the beneficiary line my father listed his friend Amy! The date of the document was December 2001. My aunt and Ed were devestated. My aunt had not expected anything, however, Ed really helped my father over the years and gave him money whenever he was short. (which was often) Ed co-signed for credit cards and a cell phone. My Dad's credit was in shreds apparently. Ed had been there for my Dad, thick and thin. My Dad brought Ed to AA 20 years ago. Ed stopped drinking. My Dad started again and Ed did not. He really loved my father as a friend. Ed also gave my father cash many times and later found out that my father was sending it to Amy. She had student loans to pay off.
One of the few things we found in my father's apartment that caused me to go "HUH?!" was pornography! My father had boxes of old Playboy and Penthouse manazines. He had boxes of adult videos. I had no idea! I had to laugh. He must have at least had some fun the last few years.
We continued to work on his apartment on Thursday...while there, my sister called me on my cell phone. She had got into Chicago (about an 11 hour drive from Baltimore) and wanted to come to his apartment and get a "momento." I gave her directions and she and her husband showed up. She immediately asked if we had found his life insurance. I told her the facts. She acted like it did not bother her at all. (my sister is always in a financial crisis) She looked around in disdain at my Dad's home and told me I was an idiot for not knowing he was into porn. She then insulted me, telling me my new shorter haircut was "interesting." (everyone has told me I look better)
My sister was able to find two coffee table books she found. She took those as her momento. She then stated that she wanted about a cup of his remains to keep her close to him. My aunt said we had to go to the funeral home to sign the docs to have him cremated. We agreed to go immediately.
At the funeral home the funeral director was very polite. He gave us docs to sign which were our consent to the cremation. If all the siblings do not sign-no cremation.
My sister then asked if she could have a cup or so of his remains. The poor man looked confused. He asked if she were staying in Chicago through next week (this week) because it takes about 7-10 days to get the remains back from the crematory. He also asked if she had a special container to put them in. No she said, do you have a Ball jar or something else with a lid? No, he said. However, he could sell her an urn.
No, she said, could he not just mail or Fed Ex them to her? He said it is against federal law to send remains in the mail or Fed Ex. Oh, well, I will have my mother pick them up and she will mail them to me, you are off the hook.
My aunt and Ed were standing in the background looking stunned. They know my sister did not have a relationship with my father.
The funeral director then asked how he was going to get paid. Ed was upfront. He said Amy was listed on the 401k and life insurance. Since none of the children, Ed or Mary has $4000.00 laying around, perhaps we could get Amy to agree to pay. The funeral director agreed to speak to Amy and ask her to sign the docs to pay for the funeral.
My father's wake and funeral were Friday. It started at 2 pm and went until 8 pm. My husband flew in the night before so he was there to lend support. He had never met my father's side of the family. None of them came to our wedding because my dad did not come. (another long story).
My husband and I got there and basically stood around saying hello to people. Sharon came to me as soon as she could and asked me if I were going to sue Amy? I said no. My father's wishes were for her to have what little he had, what was the point? She said his son's needed the money and I should do the right thing and demand that she return the funds to them. I walked away. I wanted to hit her. She is wealthy in her own right and should be supporting her children. Plus, they are both adults and in spite of the drugs and DUI's they both have had, she should be putting them in rehab.
Anyway, people streamed in all day. My father was a bar fly. Everyone said he was like Norm on Cheers. All of his drinking buddies came by. They were so upset. He was the nicest guy they all had met. Etc, Etc.
My mother's JW family also came. I was suprised. My dad was DF'd. I am glad they did the right thing. They all liked him and it was very nice that they came and paid their respects.
At about 7 pm, Ed announced that they were going to have a short ceremony. He invited anyone with anything to say about Gary (my dad) come on up and try to keep it to 2-3 minutes.
My sister was the first one up. She said my Dad was a wonderful father (he was not) and the most wonderful person she ever met. She cried and said he talked about his friends all the time. (the last time she spoke to him was October at the other funeral; previous to that he had not spoke to him in about 4 years) She said that since she has a brain tumor, he was the only one in the family to offer bone marrow or a blood transfusion. (she told me on Tuesday, over the phone, that her best friend Sara was the only one to offer this. She was ranting about our mother and father and how bad they were as parents.)
She sobbed and cried on the podium for about 5 minutes. Ed finally asked her to step down because others wanted to speak.
Next came Amy. She said many of the same things my sister did...great guy, always there when you needed him, and "I thought of him as a father. He was just like a father to me." The silence in the room was deafening. People even stopped crying. No one believed that Amy and my father had a father/daughter relationship. I heard my grandfather (mothers dad) in the background saying "who is this girl? He has two daughters and she's not one of them."
A few more of my fathers friends came up and talked about him. They all said what a great guy he was. Always there in a pinch. Always buying drinks for people at the bar who did not have one.
The whole event was surreal. My father was dressed in his Chicago Bears sweater. He loved the Bears. He looked so peaceful. Just like he was sleeping. I felt him to make sure he was not alive. He was cold and hard. That was really unsettling. I am really sad that he never got to retire and just sit back and relax. He was going to have to work til he was 70 to collect enough social security and save enough in his 401k.
The funeral director never asked me to sign off on a document to give my sister some of the remains, so I am guessing she is not going to get any. She said goodbye to me at the funeral home. I am guessing I will not hear from her again.
I had never been to a wake/memorial/funeral that happened in one day. I am glad though. It would have been hell standing around for 2-3 days talking about my dad. I found out later that Sharon (2nd wife) even asked my mother to talk to Amy about returning my father's money to her sons. My mother declined.
Amy did the right thing. After the service ended, I spoke to Ed. I asked if he needed money and what could I do to help. He said Amy stepped up and agreed to pay for the funeral. All total, between the 401k and life insurance, she will get about $50,000.
I guess I just needed to type this out. I got back home Sunday night at 11:30 pm and my husband and I had to unpack and get ready for Monday.
Thanks for reading.