Well this isn't just another "BOOHOO, I'm so depressed, bwaaa!" thread...this is a more detailed investigation into the reason behind my sadness. I felt like I could share it with the people on this board, as you lot in general seem to be far more emotionally sensitive than a lot of people on the Internet.
I've been listening to OK Computer by Radiohead, and I must say, it's by far some of the most emotional music I've ever listened to. (BTW - I'm about to get some shut-eye, it's nearly 1AM in South Africa as I write this...) Thom Yorke's distinctive voice and the bands mind-blowing lyrics are so powerful that they make me want to burst into tears.
This leads me into the second part of my essay, which is the fact that I haven't cried for nearly 4 years.
Yip. I kid you not.
Let me put it this way - when my grandmother died about six months ago, I didn't cry. When my beloved uncle died about three months ago, I didn't cry. I didn't cry when I DA'd myself (although my mom + dad did).
I'm beginning to wonder whether I might not have some sort of physical disfunction or something. For some reason I'm capable of travelling to bottom-most depths of depression for brief periods of time and then zoom straight back out of them. But I've never shed so much as a tear.
Maybe I like being depressed
Doesn't it seem to you guys that the best art in the world is created by sad people? Perhaps sadness and being blue are the highest possible state a human being can achieve, and that's why so much of the best music in my collection is very sad, depressing stuff.
Cold, emotionless automaton - that's how many people I know see me. Believe me, I've seen some terrible things in my life. You can't live in South Africa and not have these sort of experiences - it's an extremely violent country, on par with Columbia even. Murders and shootings are the order of the day here, and I've seen more than my fair share of deadly criminal activity. I've even been involved in quite a few high-stakes 'jobs', as perpetrated by our local terrorists.
My years in the BOrg taught me to bottle up my emotions. Maybe this is why I can't cry! In this culture I live in, crying is seen as a sign of great weakness in a man, and derision is sure to follow. Quite different from many other Western cultures, actually. I wonder why this is so?
A question - when you guys remember things, events, people, what do you experience? Do you remember the way you felt, or just how things looked & stuff? What I'm trying to say is, do you remember the feelings associated with your experiences in life?
I have a semi-functional photographic memory, which means that I can remember ANYTHING if I concentrate on it for a bit, or if I just make myself remember. I'm not blowing my own trumpet here BTW, this is just the way my mind works. There are probably thousands and thousands of hours of mind-bendingly sad music stored in between my ears that I can replay at will. Many other people have this gift too, I've met a couple. This, along with the God only knows what else, is crammed into my skull. Everything is OK, I'm not mentally falling apart or anything (the opposite in fact, my recall and mental clarity seem to improve substantially as time goes by!), but I still feel like there's something missing, something I've been hiding for too long.
This might be the last vestige of my time in the BOrg, and I'd like to get rid of it. Suggestions, anyone? Thanks for your time...if you've gotten to this point in my post, I hugely admire your attention span!
The earlier in the forenoon you take the sun bath, the greater will be the beneficial effect, because you get more of the ultra-violet rays, which are healing. - The Golden Age