Need some good parenting advice... (page 3)

mind blown

No way, you sound like an excellent mom! Various life situations as well as those darn kids not coming with a hand book is not easy!

He is paying for his car and insurance and is a good kid.

Have a heart to heart, letting him know one day he's going to want a place of his own, money to date or marry and NOW is a good time for him to start thinking about these things. Let him know even if he doesn't take this job, he's going to have to start preparing for his future, again, NOW is the time to do it. He may have to try various things before he knows, he's still young. I didn't see mine start really maturing until around 24, they start reasoning a bit better.

But if at some point he's still not budging, you may have to put the screws to him, but gently, giving him certain time line goals. He's still young and not thinking about the future (what feels good now is working fine so far). You can also tell him at some point he's going to have to start paying you rent like a responible young adult or move out if he's not going to go to school. Believe me, tuff love does work I can guarentee it.

finally awake

I was raised with a very clear understanding that my mom would *not* be supporting me when I was grown, nor would she be paying for my college education. She was also a real pain in the rear to live with when I was a teenager, so I was 100% ready to move out as soon as I could get into student housing. We didn't have cable TV, the internet hadn't been invented yet, I didn't have a car, I had a curfew, I wasn't allowed to have friends in my room - they had to stay in the living room, and I was required to attend church every Sunday. She quit helping me with my homework by the time I was in third grade, but she expected nothing less than straight As.

Sometimes I think making life too comfortable lessens a kid's motivation to get out and do for himself. I have 3 sons now, and I worry about whether I am setting them up to succeed or to flounder.

exwhyzee

You're not a bad Mom....it's a huge experiment raising kids. It gets harder as they get older when their decisions are more important and you have less say over what they do yet bear much of the brunt of what they experience (at least thats what if feels like).

I think it might be important not to put too much "life or death" into the decisions they make when they reach a crossroads in their life. Too much drama makes them afraid to make a mistake. He's got from now until he's 65 to figure out what he wants to do. Sometimes the most interesting adults around are the ones who don't know what they want to do when they grow up. Let him know it's ok to try and maybe fail. Let him know that whatever route he chooses he will adjust as needed. A plane going from California to New York is off course most of the time so the Pilot has to make constant adjustments along the way. It's not a straight course between point A and B. It's that way in life. Encourage him to take smart risks and to have a plan B in mind. Then let him know he has a soft place to land should he need it. What more can anyone expect you as a Mother to do?

Hang in there Ma....it will work out fine.

mind blown

My girl started working part time at 16 and bought her own car at 17. I told her if she was going to be a slaker at school (she hated school), she was going to have to get a job to learn responsibility. By the time she got older and went through a few jobs, I had suggested a line of work (knowing her personality and likes) that i could she may excel in. She finally took my advice on how to get started and is now making 3 times the money I've ever made and she's working with kids. Tuff

Aussie Oz

The parent job:

raise the child to be a man or woman best you can.

Let them go.

Give them advice, let them make the decisions and support that. If it turns to shit, they own the decision, they learn.

It is not the parents job to keep adult children happy or push them. It is not the childs job to keep the parent happy.

Oz

exwhyzee

It seems like a lot of the things we do for our kids as far as helping them once they are older, is done to ease our own discomfort or even guilt while seeing them make their way in the world.

Band on the Run

I always feared leaving home. Everytime I applied to Harvard, I prayed I would not be accepted. It was so embarassing I never mentioned my fears to anyone-- friends and teachers were blocked out completely. My nephew is similar. He never went away to camp or even did an overnight. I thought he could not do college b/c of his fears. He was going to drop out but saw the school shrink. Within a few weeks, he was full of friends and became president of his class.

I ventured to DC to work on Capitol Hill, living in a dorm b/c I thought there would be more socialization. A friend who worked on the Hill went on vacation and I met so many cool adults at her pool. It was hard to return to the dorm.

I was raised to be too defential as most Witnesses are. When I worked for a large law firm in NY, I was the only associate calling partners by their last names.

Learning social skills helps. My parents never gave or attended parties. When I started working, I did not know how to order lunch.

This center teaches social skills. Discussing fears openly and coming up with action plans helps to face the fears. Circumstances make a difference. College was hell socially. Law school was a delight.

Some people lag in development. It sounds as though he has an excellent opportunity to get on a more successful track. He can't imagine himself in a few years, let alone when he is 40. I feel to this day that I must be very outgoing to compensate for the Witness upbringing. My family has stories of such slavish devotion to employers that I can cry or laugh. They are not normal American values. When I became a lawyer, they did not know what to do with me. I wasn't a true boss b/c I am female. I seek reciprocal, collegial situations. They are far worse than Uncle Toms. Meanwhile, people raised differently are getting ahead.

diana netherton

Band...good for you. I am the same way. I am outgoing now.

You're a lawyer? I'm a court reporter going to law school.

Rethinking it now though.

dreamgolfer

hey Diana,

I thought you lived in England? Whereabouts? I used to live near Leeds and then Bristol/Bath for a year later.

So did you get the "situtation" resolved? How did it turn out for your son, his uncle and "boss" ? Most of the folks are correct, gotta let them do it on their own, if they dont put their OWN HEART in it, it wont work or go very far,

I have raised 2 children - a boy, now 26 and a girl now 24, really much like "chalk and cheese"

Let me know how it's all going on the project, oh BTW, my granddaughter loves trains....she's 3 - would the uncle hold the position oepne for about 15 more years? Thomas is her favorite , then Percy a distant 2nd.

Peace out

DG

James Brown

I have 60, I have raised a son as a witness, I escapped when I was 34, I got him out when he was 10.

When I got him out, I appologised for my mother raising me a witness and I tried to reprogram my son, while at the same time

reprograming myself. I Escaped in 83 which was 8 years after the proof was in the pudding, 8 years after 76, the big lie.

I told my son, when he was 10 you need to get an education to survive in this world, I encouraged school, sports.

I encouraged my son to have a facination with the world, We had a radio shack trs 80 computer, I encouraged him

to play sports and coached and managed his teams.

My son joined the Navy at 18, which shocked me, I wasnt crazy about it, but I didn't let him know and I encouaraged

and supported him.

The Navy made him more of a man then he already was, it taught him to handle anything and excel.

He came out with a masters degree in medicine.

I tell you that to tell you this.

Its too late to put the horse back in the barn.

Your son is 20, he has been an adult for 2 years already.

You raised him to be a good worker, and concientious.

In my 60 years on the planet, I'm not sure where motivation comes from.

Strike that, I could write a paper on motivation, and there are many articles and books on motivation.

But, your son is in his 2nd year of adulthood, your seed planting and cultivating time is over.

After my son turned 18, all I could do was encourage him to do what he wanted to do.

But I did give him many gifts of motivational tapes in his formative years.

Tapes on success, happiness, getting ahead in life.

In life you pretty much have to get ahead or you will be swept away by the current.

I dont know what you can do about your dilema in the short term.

If you want to try to rebuild the engine of an adult man, I'd suggest Nightengale Conant

http://www.nightingale.com/

Tapes/ cd's/ audio files by zig Zigler

Dennis Waitely

Wayne Dyer

Anthony Robbins

Brian Tracy.

These sources of mental protein will have a combative effect against the negative programing

of the Watchtower agency, which you havent mentioned being the problem.

It might have nothing to do with the problem, your son may have lived a very comfortable life and

now he is complacent which is a problem humans face.

Most humans are sheep.

Some break out of the pack and become something else.

From your leading paragraph, it doesnt sound like your son has a problem, it sounds like you do.

I'm trying to say that in the kindest possible way.

Look over the Nightengale Conant catalog and decide if you can find a loving gift to give your son, to help

with your problem.

I think you have been a wonderful mother.

In raising my son, my wife was wonderful, but she being a JW had nothing to do with any kind of positive

adolesent programing of my son.

Good luck.

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