Etiquette books would tell you to say, "Oh dear, I can't visit with you right now, I was just about to sit down to eat dinner. Shall I call you after dinner for a visit?" Then if she suggests she'll stay, "Oh dear, I'm afraid I can't accommodate you for dinner today." You can explain why (i.e., you don't have enough food) or no explanation at all (you don't owe her one really).
When she texts you saying she'll bring dessert, reply with a polite no, or tell her what time you'll be done with dinner so she can have dessert and coffee with you.
Another thought--point out this is becoming a routine and ask her if she wants to schedule a dinner night once a week when you rotate who cooks and cleans up.
Would this bug you?
by still thinking 84 Replies latest jw friends
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rebel8
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00DAD
Suggest dinner is at her house next time. Of course maybe she's a lousy cook and you'll end up back at your place. But it's worth a try!
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still thinking
lumper..
I am old enough to have lost some friends and acquaintances to death. So I say to you, picture yourself at your friend's funeral and realize they will never again invite themselves over for dinner. If that makes you sad, accept them as they are, and consider yourself blessed to be able to answer Christ if he asks when you fed the hungry- "Every few weeks when _________ and _______ dropped over unexpectedly."
I hear you...I have been feeding them for over 20 years every week or so at my house. I don't resent the food...just the assumption. I suppose no one likes to be taken for granted. Of course I would miss her if she died (perish the thought), I would miss my partner too...but that didn't stop me from ending our relationship a while back because he is an alcoholic and his illness was getting worse, and I didn't want to be treated like that any more. He has been sober for 3 years now and our relationship is great. It broke my heart to end it with him...but I had finally reached my limit. Fortunately he got help, did rehab...and we haven't looked back. It could have turned out different. But at some point I had to respect and value myself.
My friendships I think are the last things for me to deal with. I have worked through most other (I think)...I do value them...but that does not mean I want to be treated like a slave or a doormat...I simply want to be treated the way I treat them. I have lost many acquaintances...and couldn't care less...but...friends I value.
As her friend there are probably things I do to annoy her too...none of us are perfect. I would want to know if I am upsetting anyone, because that is the last thing I would want to do to someone I care about. If I sense it I ask...maybe I'm more tuned in when it comes to how my friends feel. Especially about me. Probably because I had to read my environment pretty well when I was a kid to survive it emotionally.
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still thinking
LOL karter...I don't know how to cook vegetarian...I could boil you a potatoe.
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JRK
I have a trick for you that may work.
After she eats dinner with you next time, put the dishes on the floor and let the dogs lick them clean. Then put them directly into the cupboard. That may get her to quit coming for meals.
Just a thought.
JK
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still thinking
Aussie...you always have such good advice...no wonder you are doing such a fantastic job with your kids.
Perhaps if you dont want to re train her, you can look for some balancing aspect of the friendship
I have always felt like that about her...there are things about her I love and wouldn't change...and I know friendship is a two way street. I have always been aware that I benefit from knowing her too.
I think maybe I just needed to lessen the way I was feeling about it. So I took Ohios advice tonight and asked them to set the table while I plated up...worked a treat.......there was no problem. In fact I really believe you were right with your first comment. I allowed this to happen. I feel much happier now just with that small step. And I intend to do it everytime they come for dinner. Amazing how such a small thing made me feel happier in myself. I suppose its a bit like someone saying thank you...when they don't, you feel just that little bit unappreciated...well when something like this goes on for years and years...you kind of feel the same way...But it was up to me to change it.
rebel8 & 00DAD...if we ate at her house I would more than likely end up bringing most of the food. She actually doesn't have a lot...and I wouldn't want to impose upon her.
Thanks for all the wonderful help and advise everyone...I knew I could rely on you to help me sort my head out and I hoped no one would think I was an absolute arse, I did think twice before posting this but thought bugger it...I'm tired of trying to figure these things out on my own.
cheers
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still thinking
LOL JRK...you know what's funny about that? I don't have dogs...I have cats...BUT she has dogs and I suspect that may happen there. (just kidding) I know she washes them after they lick them clean.
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NewChapter
You already have an established pattern in your friendship. Like I have a friend who simply always drives. I don't expect this of her, but since she always has, we just keep doing it. I am self aware, so I will often say I can drive, and that I don't want her to think I expect her to do it all. She turns me down. If I didn't say anything, then she could feel like I was taking advantage, which would not be true because I really AM willing to drive, and I would only be following our established pattern. Maybe this is comfortable for her and she thinks it is for you, because it has always been that way.
However---I was reading a Dear Abby or something like that, and someone asked about frequent, unwanted guests that always dropped in at dinnertime. They were friends of her husband, and she wanted to discourage it. The advice was to start serving liver and onions.
So perhaps you can cook things that they don't like.
NC
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still thinking
Hmmmm...not a bad suggestion New Chapter...but would I have to eat them too?
Thats exactly it isn't it? It's the offer..to let you know its appreciated. Majority of the time I would probably say "don't worry about it, but thanks" but it is nice to know its not expected.
Maybe thats how it happened in the first place...she used to offer years ago...years and years...and I would say thanks but do it myself. Set myself up didn't I!
**note to self...don't turn down all offers of help in future**
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still thinking
karter...If you come for dinner....you're washing up!