His name was Herbert, that's all I knew about him and that he was one of Jehovah's Witnesses. The knock came at 6 in the morning and I was wearing very little. I looked out the peek hole in my door to see a single middle aged man sporting a big stupid grin standing outside my front door. Upon realizing where he was from I was relieved that I wasn't going to have to bolt around the house looking for clothing, instead I just opened the door. The shrill wind smacked me in the parts of my body that were bare skin, which was most of me. The man looked puzzled, "I'm sorry if I woke you, sir, but I have a life changing message from the Bible that I just MUST tell you and your neighbors."
"Have you ever seen the movie V for Vendetta?" I asked.
"No, is it a good one?" He replied.
"How is my life at risk?" I asked again.
He then decided to go into his JW spiel and I listened intently at first. He didn't seem to care about the fact that I was wearing very little and that it was windy and cold outside. I found this perplexing. While he ranted I began to wonder if he understood how much he and his life saving message was putting me out. First I had been woken out of a dead sleep. I was dreaming about bunnies, or at least there were bunnies in the part of my dream I was awoken from. They had cute little black eyes and most of them were white. One had fluffy ears and was tripping over them. All the other bunnies laughed and laughed. The Witness was still talking and my daydreaming was broken by my brain identifying the tone of a question. I had used the tone when I was a Witness myself, so I knew that he was requesting a reply.
"What do you think about rabbits?" I asked.
"I don't see how that is pertinent to what I just said." He seemed a little caught of guard.
"How many rabbits are in the Bible? Could you look that up for me? It's paramount that you do." I said.
"How so?" He replied.
"God works in mysterious ways, friend, what is your name?"
"Herbert, I am an elder from a local congregation of Jehovah's Witnesses."
He then went back into another spiel about his congregation and the coming memorial of Christ's death. He then handed me the Memorial invitation he was out in field service handing out. I took it and told him that it was weird that they have Christ on an upright beem and not a cross. He beemed when I asked the question, for his reply made it look as if he had inside knowledge on how to answer it. However, the answer was nonsensical and lacked basic knowledge of 1st century Rome. He didn't know if there were rabbits in the Bible or not, but he sure did know a lot about a Greek word that didn't explain why the wrong type of torture was depicted in the image on the Memorial tract.
"Are there more doves than rabbits in the Bible?" I asked him.
At this point my two year old boy had come out of his slumber as well without both our notice. He came up behind me and shut the door in Herbert's face. I didn't even see him coming. I found this shocking and rude so I immediately opened up the door only to find Herbert halfway down my walkway. I closed the door behind me and walked outside with him. The cold was great. "Does that happen to you a lot?" I asked.
He finally blew a little bit and said back firmly, "Sir, you are in your underwear and it's very cold." I explained to him that my sensory functions were functioning and I was aware of the temperature. He said he had no time for my nonsense and headed to his car with other JW's packed in it. I walked over the car and the driver had a large smile on his face. I approached the driver side window and did a circling motion with my fist in an attempt to get him to roll his window down. He did and said, "It's an electric window." I then took the opportunity to ask him about the picture on the Memorial tract. "You're an apostate aren't you?" He snapped back purposefully avoiding the question.
"An enemy of God's Kingdom? From some people's perspectives, yes. But aren't you an enemy of God's Kingdom in the eyes of most denominations? Are JW's even a registered Christian Sect?"
"We don't believe in sects! We are true Christians" He yelled back at me.
"I'll say. I've never seen more sexually repressed people in my life." I calmly replied while I leaned on the roof of the four door. There was dew at the top that got my forearm wet.
"We are leaving. Good day." He said.
"Have you ever seen Terminator 2: Judgment Day?"
"Goodbye."
At that he backed out of my drive way and took Herbert away from me. I had barely got to know him and felt that this driver had no right to separate us. We still had more to talk about, so I sprinted towards the car and morphed my arms into swords. I jumped with all my might and drove the newly materialized metal arms into the trunk of the car. Herbert was in the back with his right hand pressed against the back window. The driver gunned it and before I was thrust into the front lawn of a nearby neighbor's house I saw Herbert mouth some words to me. I could make them out perfectly, "Don't worry, I marked you as a return visit."
The grass was cold and my body became very itchy. Norm, my neighbor came running out, he was a very large black man, "What you doin' in my lawn homey? You need a towel?"
I pushed myself up from the damp lawn and brushed myself off, "Thanks, but there's no need to worry, Norm, he's coming back. He's coming back."
-Sab