I was brought up around the truth. My dad was disfellowshiped when I was young, around 6-7. He was a elder and very devoted even going to jail when he was younger for the truth. He had a stroke and started preaching things that the society was not teaching and he was disfellowshiped. Someone even stated he was talking to demons. Not thinking right. The stroke greatly effected his brain and they did not understand about dementia back in the '70s.
Anyway my mom could not deal with it all and took me away from him and all the family in the truth I new. My mom was pretty much inactive my entire life; we did not go to meetings or assemblies. Only attended the memorial every year. My mom was working a lot, 7 days a week. Anyway I did not celebrate holidays or birthdays but never knew why.
When I was in my early teens my brother, who was a elder, was visiting and asked a witness to come to the door to study with me. So once a week this older sister whould come and study with me from age 13 - 20. I would pray sometime that she would not show up so we did not have to study. I got baptized when I was 21. Just accepting everything I was told and never looked into other religions. I never questions anything. I pioneered for a while, 3 years. I moved and married a brother and have been married for over 10 years.
My husband recently has been questioning things from the society and the bible. I was at first angry, scared because all I wanted my whole life is to have someone go to the meeting with me and a family of my own. I felt like I was losing that. I even thought if he was not a witness anymore he would cheat on me and divorce me. I felt like I was having an emotional and mental breakdown. I was crying at the time and started to hyperventale. We were arguing all the time, not talking about the real issue that was making us both upset. He stated he was having doubts but did not want to tell me about what. After bothering him about it he finally did and he talked about the penguins and how could there be a global flood. I feel my husband is very smart and started to listen to his reasoning. This is the first time I started to reason in my life and not just accept what the society said.
I continued to make some meetings, especially because we have a son and I was worried about him and him not being destroyed at armeggedon. Then I tied in for a couple weeks, then stopped even doing that. I was told that my decision will have a huge impact on his life. Anyway I continued to read things on the internet becoming obsessed, reading old watchtowers until the middle of the night. When I read things people wrote and say that old Watchtowers and Awakes said certin things I could not believe it. At first I thought people where writing things and changing quotes from watchtower so I would read the accurate article from CD rom. My husband and I picked up a couple of other bibles and starting reading them and the NWT. I looked in the reference bible and saw in the footnotes that Jehovah's name was inserted and other words that change the meaning of scriptures.
I spoke to my mom about it because even though she does tie in to the meetings she is not really active. I thought she was listening but she told me she was disappointed in me for believing what apostates are telling me. It really hurt me. My husband and I have not told any others of our family because worried how they will react. I keep thinking about my baby and want him to be happy and safe. I think of what I would do if he needed a blood transfusion? I could not let him die especially when leaning the blood in the bible was talking about animals and blood letting. If someone did eat blood they where told to clean themselves and they where fine in jehovah's eyes; they where not disfellowshiped. I keep on thinking of all those witnesses that lost family and children. Jehovah does not want sacrifice of his little ones. Jesus wants mercy not sacrifice.
It's so sad. It makes me sick. I look at the pictures in the watchtower about the paradise and smiling people, then I think of all the 7 billion people woman, children, mental handicaped, will all be destroyed in front of us. And we should be praying for this time. I keep on think about Abraham and him talking to god about not destroying Sodom if 10 people where found to be righteous. It is unthinkable of god he said. I want to make the right decision and want to do what is right. I want my son to be a happy well adjusted child with friends and a love for god. My husband said we only need the bible and jesus to teach him.
I keep on researching and printing things off so I remember what I've read because everything is blending together. My head believes that things have not been done correctly by the of society but my heart still does not want to believe everything I read. But the bible does say the heart is treacherous.