(((((((((((tina))))))))))))))) - I do hope you feel better today - as is usually the case. Hopefully you can find a 3 Dimensional, continuing hug, from your family and friends also when you reach out for them also?
I tend to retreat when the past gets too much for me - which may not be so healthy. But to find comfort for many areas of yourself, such as your garden you've told me about, is a marvelous thing. One can think - but not too deeply - when working at something which really only takes agreeable manual labor.
My daughter (due to being forced to garden with me while growing up) hated gardening. Then she got a stressful job, relationship, and was undergoing therapy for incest. One fall, she discovered racking leaves *worked* for her. She could think about anything, without becoming overly angry/emotional/tired. She wants no company - as this is her time to think about things. Thankfully - it's my yard she chooses.
Whatever you find to comfort yourself, - here, your family, your garden, your 3 Dimension friends, therapy, - I hope it works for you.
Twenty years of strong grieving, even occasionally or triggered, is a massive burden to one's heart. Take care.
waiting