by jam 35 Replies latest jw friends
My ex (Jw) told my two youngest 9 and 11, your dad
wanted more kids, meaning them. We had two older.
How would A child feel after their mother tell them, I really
didn,t want you. We were going thru A divorce and she took
it out on them. That hurts me even to this day.
Zealous JW,s can be the cruelties people in the world.
It is very sad.
it all depends on the context...
Those two (the two older ones were married) got
the butt of her writhe. Their take, she wish they were
never born. They are adults today and that statment, both
remerber.
My mother was the queen of saying hurtful things. She knew how to wound to the core.
My dad disowned me, told me I was no longer his daughter, when I was 13 and told him I didn't believe in his religion. We lived in the same house and he didn't speak to me for months.
When I was 16 my dad told me that I was a cold, hard-hearted person who didn't respond to love and I didn't know where I was running to I only knew what I was running away from. This was because I went on my first date.
Not too many years ago my dad called to tell me he had 4th stage throat cancer and that the doctor's gave him a 25% chance of survival if he pursued traditional medicine but that he was not going to pursue traditional medicine, he was going to pursue alternative treatment in Mexico. He told me he had known about this for 6 months but hadn't told me because he didn't trust me to let him make his own medical decisions (because when he was disfellowshipped and threatened to commit suicide I put him in the hospital against his will). He told me the only reason he was even telling me at that time was because enough people knew about it that I was going to find out about it anyway.
My dad beat the cancer (after finally giving up on the alternative medicine and pursuing traditional medicine) and is still around today. I was never baptised, there is no reason for him to shun me per the WT rules but the only time I ever see or hear from him is if we somehow end up at some family event together... usually a wake since he won't attend weddings or funerals that have any type of religious format. On the few occaisions that a song or something reminds me of him and I contact him via email to just let him know he's in my thoughts I get pages of guilt back, simply an effort to get me to believe something I don't.
There are worse things than being unwanted before you are born. You can be unwanted after you are born.
But the thing is if you teach your children to be strong and wise they will learn that such things define your ex-wife, not them. They will learn that the issues are hers, not theirs. You can not change who your ex wife is or the things that she says to your children. What you can change is how you teach your children to view those things: with bitterness and spite, or with understanding that their mother is wrong and none of us are perfect and forgiving her for her faults and errors will benefit them more than it will her. It will always hurt them, what she said, but holding on to bitterness and spite will not be good for them. Teach them to understand that the fault does not lie with them and to find a way to forgive her because the fact of the matter is that they love her and finding a way to have a good relationship with her despite any such asinine comments will bring them more peace in the long run.
I love my dad. I am here if he ever wants a relationship with me. I have already forgiven him the things he has done and said because I know from where they stem. That doesn't mean the thought of them doesn't still hurt sometimes... but it means I don't hold on to the bitterness and anger, it means I don't hate him. It means I am open to a healthy relationship with him if ever he is open to it as well. And what it means is that one day when he dies I will not regret my actions, only his.
I hope you teach your children to be the better people in their relationship with their mother so they are never doomed to living with lifelong regret for how they handled themselves. I hope you teach them enough self worth to know that when their mother says such things it is about her and her inadequacies not about them. And I hope you teach them that all humans have such inadequacies and to live with tolerance and understanding in their lives, even when they have been wronged. I have found it to be the best way for me, personally, to find peace.
Best,
Jackie
When I was 16 my dad told me that I was a cold, hard-hearted person who didn't respond to love and I didn't know where I was running to I only knew what I was running away from. This was because I went on my first date.
Hmmmm. Your father did not know you at all. I've had the pleasure of getting to know you---a little bit---and I find you to be incredibly warm and quite intuitive. You quickly pick up and define the emotions of others, and that is a rare gift. You comfort with just a few words---as you are not wordy---and that too is a rare gift. The time I have spent with you has been immensely enjoyable. You make people feel accepted and not judged, and you are patient. And I've barely got to know you. So off with you---go about spreading that joy lady. Your father has missed out on a great relationship.
Thanks Jackie, like you both kids have come out of this as
strong adults. My youngest daughter, married with three
kids that adore her, she has become A great mom. Both
have turn out to be great adults. And I must say, so have you.
I hope they were able to shake off that one. So sad when adults use the kids to hurt other adults.
When I was 7 I remember my mother telling me "she loves me but doesn't like me".
Just be glad you are there to counteract the uterus who bore them and tell them every child is a blessing.
Bobbi
