Help! Torn Mother (my mom) between to daughters (me nonJW and pioneer all faithful JW) (page 2)

Butterflyleia85

thanks everyone. i am bring my son to mom's house today (she agreed to watch him when we have our baseball games on sundays). i feel it will be avoided subject like always. she only lets out her true feelings about jw subject through text. the whole thing started when mom text me about my sister being close to her grandma in law and how she passed away with her there. i'm sure it was hard for my sister. she only told mom about it (and like always mom tells me everything). i texted back mom sorry for her loss wish i could be there for her. but she made it clear through letter she wanted nothing to do with me, so please dn't talk about her unless it's an emergancy. i love her but it does no good reaching out to her.

designs

It just gets weird with JW family, my brother did his dutiful once a year call left on our message machine for many years and finally stopped, maybe it was the annual christmas cards I started sending

Joojoobean

Communicating electronically is notoriously bad when we need to leave no room for doubt. So quit with texting and email, or FaceBook etc until peace is restored.

Also, quite frankly, you need to bypass your mum. Her stakes are too high to be objective and deliver coms without bias or interference. Go straight to your sister, if she'll let you.

Aboveall, be your own woman! Your sister, being part of such a strict organisation might by default be seen as the higher moral one in this. Don't let that cloud your thinking and get you defensive. Keep your words direct and few but warm. And keep your expectations modest. Restoring full peace can take time.

Sorry to hear you have this trouble.

Disillusioned Lost-Lamb

I think your dilemma is rooted in not knowing how to reply because you don't really know what is causing the problem.

Suggestion:

Tell your Mom you don't understand what the problem is; ask, "I don't know why she's upset; do you?"

This not only lobs the ball back in your favor hungry sister's court but also makes your Mom really think about the predicament at hand. If your Mom can't come up with a good explanation to why your sister is upset then she'll see there is nothing wrong or the “crisis” is with your overly sensitive sister; however if she gives a valid reason for why your sister is upset, now you know where you stand and how to reply.

I know when my sister and I don’t see eye-to-eye my parents usually side/believe the one that is acting more like an adult than a child; and your sister seems to acting pretty childish right now. So if you go about this right and reason with your Mom, she will be more apt to listen to your point of view and believe you when you say your sister is lying.

Band on the Run

Indeed, a Memorial invite is waving a red flag before a bull. Christmas invitations show brazen, demonic conduct.

They will never see their fault triggers b/c they are too busy looking at the splinter in your eye rather than the one in theirs.

Nevertheless, out of respect for family and life changes people, there must be some neutral marker to just stay in touch.

Your mom needs to support you both and get out. You are no longer three or four. She is very destructive. If she feels so strongly about her texts, a very anonymous form of communication, she is capable of saying it to you in normal conversation. It is childish to use text.

My family is very fractured. Every Christmas my brother sends a Christmas card ( he left the Witnesses when I did. The whole family left together). There is no message. I know he is alive every Christmas. Frankly, I no longer respond. His card sets off relief and massive anxiety attacks.

I want to do the gracious, kind thing and also remain safe. It hurts to the core how as adults we cannot move beyond our Witness roles. I saw them as trash during the abuse. Now I believe if we knew each other afresh, we could actuall relish each other.

Butterflyleia85

Ha not "today" I ment tomorrow, which is infact TODAY now, I was a half asleep when I wrote my last comment, I think, and through text nun the less.

I'm sure if it is brought up today, I will understand more clearly how to respond. My mom sounded a bet harsh thru text that day but I know she's not that harsh in reality so I will wait and see what she has to say in person.

My hope is that she deep down doesn't feel that way, the way she came acrossed through text. I just want her to see "eye to eye" with both of us and not side with either of us. That is why I said what I said about her not talking about my sister with me.

We usually have better conversations in person. ...Except I quiver my voice a bet when I am about to say (excitedly) something about holiday event coming up or birthday event I'm going to the next day... and instead say, "OH man I have such a busy week!" ha and then quickly try and think of something else to talk about like my son! lol I also know when she walks into my house and sees all the holiday stuff it can be a bet acquired for her.

But she lives a "free" life, not necessarily mentally with our religion but as a single lady, who is sick and tired of living up to their standards. She hasn't been to the meetings, she just goes to memorial with my sister or the convention, I guess. I know if she did start going back she said she would be disfellowshipped. But she doesn't want to go back and is even thinking about saying she smokes cigs and doesn't want to quiet so she can get out of explaining her personal life. (It's funny if she does because if that rumor got around to my grandma she be like, that's a huge lie because she has asthma and allergies to smoke and pretty much everything!)

So pretty much I think if it is brought up I will just keep quiet and agree with her and tell her I will send my sister a card (my mother's request just fyi). Then we don't have to go there about her (my sister) because yes your right it's not good to have a "middle man". Then I guess I will try and call my sister (dumb because I know she won't answer or probably even return my voicemail cause most the time I leave them and get no responce back!) and get specific on what is actually the problem and HOLD MY TONGUE ON JW STUFF!! lol Just simply the JW stuff you saw was personal and if it came to where I put it out in public it's cause my sister in law, my cousin, a few friends understand what I go through, and my old school friends can now understand why now I celebrate holidays, act totally different now, unlike before why I didn't celebrate and was so stricted. Cause man it does create alot of problems getting any further on the subject of JW stuff and just makes me look like the bad guy! Just simply talk about my son, our husbands, music, vacationing, movies, video games, etc. Hopefully our relationship will heal over time!! Hopefully... these again will have to be on both our terms... I'm not going to hide my holidays, I am not going to change my ways. We can simply set up a time to meet and visit with my son.

We had this type of relationship before I talked about my research about the religion a few years ago and yes my mom is right she did come over once last year but I didn't know what that was just because she said she was being spontanious and it was still not the same with us, and then when she saw all that stuff on FB around fall it went back to zero again (When I got married 2010 she shunned me harshly, that was when the I was doing my JW research).

I really hate this... if she has a problem with it why didn't she just say something instead of marking me off. I'm the bad guy because my stupid "public group" showed up in her newsfeed... Geez!! (All that part is solved now... I will maybe one day write out her letter on here. Because it will make more sense what she is thinking. And why I am taking my aproach the way I am now. She said basicly she wanted nothing to do with my life now. I did text her to tell her I got her letter and appreasiate a responce as to why she deleted me, I respected her decision. She asked about my son and didn't know how I felt between weither she got to see him or not. I told her "I will get back with you on that" (only because I wanted my husbands input) we said we loved each other said to each other our goodbyes and hope to see each other in paradise. I shared a few of my sons pic a few days later, she said aww and thanks for sending pics, and really I haven't heard from her except when she invited me to memorial.)

Now I'm the bad guy again. ~~sigh~~

Butterflyleia85

OH and just so you all know I did tell my mother that she could tell my sister that we can arrange something once a year or whatever she felt comfortable to visit with my son. But that was around the time she asked me if I got my sister's memorial invite. I told her yes but we won't be going. (this conversation was on the phone a few days before memorial)

After all this advise, I will stop telling my mom to tell my sister stuff. I will just call my sister myself and leave a voicemail.

Help! Torn Mother (my mom) between to daughters (me nonJW and pioneer all faithful JW)

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