I knew one day it would happen. I often wondered how I would react. Well, sometimes things don't work out exactly as planned.
Last weekend I went back home to Chi-town to FINALLY clean out a locker my sister and I share. I have had a terrible cold that's been kicking my ass for the past two weeks. So after lunch, and right before we get ready to return home to Michigan, my girlfriend and I go to Walgreens to try to get some Cepacol cuz my damn throat has been killing me!
Now, I have mentioned from time-to-time that I'm just waiting to run into someone every time I visit the fam. My girlfriend humors me, and has offered suggestions on what to do. I'VE thought about what I would do...sometimes playing out differenct scenarios in my head (I tend to do that especially if I'm listening to music for a variety of circumstances..lol)
So we pop on into Walgreens and as we're heading to the cold medicine isle, I glance down an isle and SHIT! It's "T" and her mom! I pick up my pace and dart for the cold medicine. My g-friend lagging behind catches up to me while I'm in one isle and feverishly looking for this damn CEPACOL!
I wispered to her, "I know those two! They used to go to my old hall. I want to get out of here quick. Where the HELL is this damn throat spray!?" Was Jehovah withholding it from me? Was it SATAN? Was a spirit screwing with me and hiding it behind his back till they approached me?
I moved to another isle. In the next one I heard "T" say to he mother, "she's in the next isle". I was getting a little panicky and looking in those big ass mirrors Wags has for shoplifting, or for JW's to hunt down unsuspecting former JW's.
Finally my mind must've been stronger than the spirits, because I FINALLY located that damn bottle, got my g-friend to give me her wallet so I could get outta dodge ASAP and meet her in the car while she had to use the bathroom. How inconsiderate of her~doesn't she realize I'm fearing for my life here? lol
Well, I scurry to the register, and thank God I knew her PIN code, cuz I couldn't locate the $ that was in her wallet...again the forces working against me here, and scadattled into my Scion Xb.
Now, some of you may call me paranoid (or other things), but let me tell you...this mother and daughter duo got into their suv and waited there. I am not kidding. They waited for about 10 minutes in their vehicle, which was not too far from mine. So, not wanting them to see my "You Have The Right To Be Who You Are", and Equality sickers on the Scion, I move. That's right. I actually move my friggin car, so they "can't find any fault" or try to do a little witch hunt to determine if I am or not in, the "Truth".
You know how things go. GOSSIP CITY! Not that I was close to them really, but these two know many of my close former JW friends from two halls we both went to. This family in particular has always been a little out there, and so many times would not attend meetings themselves for "small" reasons. But whatever. I have no idea what my old congo or friends think of or know of me these past years. But as I was reflecting on that whole fiasco, I came to the conclusion that something must be up. Otherwise, I think they would have come up to me and said, J*** or Sister B***, how are you? We haven't seen you in a long time...and go from there.
In my mind, I thought if I ever ran into an olf friend or elder, I would just pretend I was inactive. My publisher card is still at that congre in Chicago, so the elders (and most likely everyone else) would know if I was attending another hall. I just had always hoped I wouldn't run into someone, although I honestly thought I was biding my time. Time was up last weekend.
What I have tried for so long, no matter the pain and lonliness it has caused to me to get up and leave, is to protect my friends from acutally finding out the truth about me. About me no longer being interested in the "Truth" and that I live my life as a gay woman. I don't flaunt it, but I am who I am. And I care about them too much to hurt them. It has nothing to do about me being embarrassed of who I am. I have been ashamed almost all my life, and I refuse to be for the next half of it. But I do still care for and love my old friends deeply, despite what I think of the WTBTS.
When I was fading, and really, the term should be, "in a horribly depressed state", I had to make a literal life or death decision, I was hardly going to any meeting, and then stopped altogether. Moving out of state helped tremendously. No one could just come over and I had less chance of running into someone. In the beginning year of my move, I would get calls from my best friend. Then I wouldn't answer her calls or answer her messages. It just got too hard to lie to her or hold back my tears when all I really wanted was to blurt out the truth and then ask if she would still be my friend. I would never put her in that position or pain.
I do keep in touch with a younger friend of mine, who sought me out and found me on FB, and is also gay. He is a part of a family I LOVE, yet he was never baptized. His family still accepts him, and he has promised me he will not tell them of my current state. His younger sister has even sent me a FB friend request, and as mush as I'd love to, I will not accept it. Once anyone were to see it, it would become clear I am no longer one of Jehovah's Witnesses. I would not want to cause her or her family any grief, and so this is my "cross" to bear.
It is great to be out, eyes wide opened and learning the sad truth about "The Truth", as well as being able to just be me...faults 'n all. But the downside is losing friends you thought would be lifetime, close friends that were like family...closer than family in my case. However, it is nice to know that in life, there are no determined amount of friends you can have, and so I appreciate a whole set of friends that have come into my life since leaving the truth, albeit a small group. I always say you can never have too many friends, and so I am hopeful I will gain many more meaningful relationships before I pass on. Afterall, what is a life without friendship? I shudder to think.