Hiya Jemba~I see your point, but the truth is, I do not know for certain how they have "classified" me. Here is a little more of my story:
When I left the congr to move, I was hardly going to meetings, and my friends certainly knew I was depressed or that SOMETHING was just not right. Since I was removed from the pioneer list just as I was moving downstate to be near one of my "adopted" families and one half of my best friends, (in order to shake off all the depression and make it only a blurb in the rearview mirror) I am sure the shit was being slung.
I was good for a while down there, but then I became so depressed I didn't leave the house..or my bed much. At this time, my sister and my two neices were also living with me. I asked them to come so I could help THEM out, before all this got so bad.
I was in sales, and I couldn't even get out to earn money to pay the rent on the house. I just had no hope, no life left in me, and unbearable guilt about all of it! I know my friend and her husband were so concerned about me one time, they came over and knocked and knocked and knocked saying they knew I was in there. (lol Typical witnesses, eh?) My sister opened the door, and I was in my bedroom. My friends told me to come out of my room. I reluctantly did, and they literally dragged me out of the house and took me to the park to talk.
I knew the root of my depression was my homosexual feelings and they were only getting stronger. How many damn times did I try to "pray the away the gay" during my life? Innumerable. How many times did God take it away from me? NOT ONCE, GOD DAMN IT!
At this time, my feelings were so entrenched in me that I thought I was going to explode! I was such a fucking horrible mess, just sobbing, not being able to disclose what my turmoil within was. I actually felt that someone just looking at me could "tell" I was gay at this point. Although, they would not come right out and ask me if I was. They wanted me to say it. Is that what they really wanted from me? I know they wanted me to be my old jovial, crazy ass self, but they were as helpless as I was. Afterall, what chance could I take by telling them I was a full raging lesbian stuck in such a miserable life because I couldn't do anything about it? JW's HATE gays by all accounts, and if I had disclosed my true self and have gotten anything but a positive, loving response, I don't know what I would have done. TRUTHFULLY!
So, after attending a few meetings again, and all of us feeling things were on the upswing, I once again fell into a pitiable state. I stayed with them for a few weeks or so. I think we all thought this too, would help, but I mainly slept on their couch. One day they told me it wasn't working out, but found me a sister at the hall who needed a little company and I could stay there for free. I think that worked for about a month, and then I moved back to Chi-town and went back to my old Congre. All this time frame was probably a year-year and a half.
Well, I was hopeful back in my old congre, but things were never the same. I did have a close-knit group of friends with whom we'd go out in service, but even they couldn't help me in the long run. One elder who was always nice to me, wasn't anymore. In fact, when I was working as a live-in caregiver (ironic, isn't it?) for a sister at the hall, he and some others would come by and only give HER shepherding calls. Because she was older, she deserved them ONLY? What about this other person right before them who they have hardly seen at meetings? Didn't I fucking matter anymore? Apparently not. They treated me basically like I was invisible, and so back to my room I went, while this sister (who treated me like shit, by-the-way) got her loving encouraging shepherding call.
There's still more to this story, but I should end it here. The bottom line, like I said, is I do not know what my status is with my old hall now. So, I am not sure how to react, I guess.
Now, if I were to come in contact with my sweet, best friend from there? I would gage her reaction to me, and then go from there. I actually could see myself telling her if she REALLY and HONESTLY wants to know what is going on with me. Crazy as all my rants have been, it would almost be a relief for her to know the truth about me. To let her know I love her that much, to tell her in complete honesty, witholding nothing, why I had been so depressed and withdrawn for so long. I would only hope she would have the compassion to understand and still love me for the good-hearted person that I am. (God, I hate when I start to get emotional over all this). Even if she did, yet felt an obligation to Jehovah to inform the brothers, I would understand it all. I truly would.
