out of the closet

by so confused 24 Replies latest jw friends

  • so confused
    so confused

    So this week was stressful and emotional. My husband's Witness family found out that we where not attending meeting anymore. It was hard but better then living a lie and my husband did not want to go to the 2 day which is coming up in June. They would have noticed if we did not go so it better if they find out now. But we are going on vacation with them in 2 weeks so their probably be more questions. At this point they just know we have doubts and are doing our research and have not made any decisions. I feel like i'm going through a roller coaster of emotions and its making feel physically sick. I feel like i'm mourning - it hurts my heart so much to have my blinders off. One of them said if I dont go to meeting I'm just letting Satan in. My husband and I both thought they where totally not going to want to talk to us again. I feel uncomfortable around them and anxious.

    I was talking to my mom (she just ties in on the meeting but not regular and inactive most my life). I talked for over a 2 hours going from one subject to the next for the reason why I'm not going to meetings. I was tellling her how sick it makes me think about the song "10,000 may be falling" but having such a happy and upbeat melody. I remember loving that song at the KH. But I never listened to what I was singing or maybe I did not care. I guess you need a thick skin to be JW. The articles, pictures in the books -make you desensatized and pray for a time when god will destroy all those unrigteous people 6 billion people (helpless kids, just in the US there is over 5 million people with Alzheimers disease, etc - they cant make an informed choice). My mom stated but its true and it is going to happen. The scripture is in the Psalms not necessary a prophecy for the future its a poem. The society make it into a prophecy. But she did not listen to that.

    I talked about Jesus new commandment to love each other. What kind of loving person was I to turn my back on my disfellowshiped dad and sister.

    I said that faithful and discreet slave are making themseves higher then Jehovah. Jehovah's servants did not meekly follow - they questioned, they argued, they said it is unthinkable of God to destroy if found ... righteous in Sodom and Gomorah. I asked her If I was wrong. But she did not answer me. She stated if "I keep talking like I am I'm going to get myself disfellowshiped. ""Do I know what that means. You have a lot to lose. I wont speak to you anymore. You will loose most of your family"

    Today she stated "I cant believe your an Apostate. I never this that could have happened. It feels like a bad dream." She told me that it starts out by not believing the society, then the bible then not believing god.

    The more I read in the bible the more I see that the society is not right. There are just so many questions its never ending. I need to learn to shut up when I'm talking to JW family. Because I dont want my baby to have no contact with his family and It to be my fault. I did not have alot of my family growing up because my mom was inactive and my dad was disfellowshiped. I dont want my baby to not have family and feel insecure. I want him to feel well loved. I dont want to take that away from him.

  • clarity
    clarity

    So confused ... welcome to this place where you can question, think and learn.

    You'll find a lot of support and friends. Try to calm down, Rome wasn't built in a day.

    You still have habits of a witness... you don't need to let your mind spin and plan how to change or convince someone else. Keep your information to yourself for now ..... you can rant on here to keep your sanity

    clarity

  • ammo
  • Fernando
    Fernando

    A hearty warm welcome so confused!

    Many have gone before you and experienced very similar or exactly the same.

    It is a journey and a process with a number of stages.

    It can be confusing when going through the grief stage, when you know you have actually been set free from something very bad.

    I needed and really benefitted from receiving and understanding CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) and EMDRAA, both from a good Psychologist.

    Attending a cult conference and listening to victims I'd never met from groups I never heard of before tell MY strory was awesomely liberating and validating.

    As you are able to contextualise and articulate what you are leaving behind compared to what you are gaining it only gets better.

    If you can, try to keep outside/extended family out of your decisions, research and journey until you are on firm ground. In time you may find it very empowering and educational to see them fumble over very simple (Christianity, faith and spirituality 101) questions based on their own publications!

    One of my many favourites is: "please can you explain 'legalism' and its exact opposite to me from the heart"?

    Best wishes

    Fernando

    QLD, Australia

  • Fernando
    Fernando

    Hey ammo!

    Wonder if you're having IE issues?

    If so give Firefox, Chrome, Opera or Safari a whirl.

  • exwhyzee
    exwhyzee

    I agree with Clarity....you owe no one an explaination regarding your relationship with God. JW's think they have the market cornered in that area and always take an authoritarian position in any discussion on the matter. I'd not offer them any excuses, apologies or explainations.The more you explain yourself to them the more of a position of defense you place yourself in. Let them discover for themselves the truth about their own religion. Don't give them any ammunition to use against you. Sometimes those who've recently left the TRUTH are as off putting to their friends and family as those who have just become JW's because they are too fervent about their new discoveries. No matter what you say, you'll be branded an Apostate (their term for anyone who doesn't agree with THEM...not just God) ....Keep it to yourself as much as possible.

  • diamondiiz
    diamondiiz

    Hello,

    Take your time in researching and ask questions and make sure you reason on everything you read. Not everything may be true but 99% things you hear regarding wts lie is true.

    Don't talk to your family about your research, leave them in the dark at this point until you're ready to make that step to let them know - remember you never have to tell them anything. If you need to patch things up with your mother, you may need to lie. You can leave it as is and hope she forgets. If she begins to shun you and you don't want that, you may need to lie that you've been depressed and didn't know what you've been saying. Cult members typically will choose the cult over their own so be very careful what you say and to whom you say it. It's possible that your mom with rat you out to elders so be expecting a call from them. Generally speaking, jws can have doubts as long as they keep it to themselves and as long as they believe watchtower is God's channel on earth and watchtower is directed by God. Denying wts being God's organization will get you df.

    Find friends on the outside, and do deep research into wts history and doctrine. If you have questions, ask and many here will help you out, use the search above to look up topics as everything has been discussed a million times already. A good site for info is jwfacts.com. It's a great site that has helped many in their research.

    It's hard realizing you've been conned, we who really believed the wts have all gone through what you're going through and it gets better but not without scars. Many here have lost entire families and have been shunned for decades. Many lost mates because of choosing the truth over a lie. You're lucky that you have a husband on your side. If both of you research together, you'll strengthen each other and can heal together sooner, it takes time but at the end you'll be better off.

  • Captain Obvious
    Captain Obvious

    Welcome!

    Clarity, that is very good advice

  • TOTH
    TOTH

    WELCOME!!

  • outsmartthesystem
    outsmartthesystem

    "One of them said if I dont go to meeting I'm just letting Satan in."

    Make them prove this is true using only the bible. Bring out to them that people in other religions say the same thing to their loved ones. It is nothing more than a guilt trip tactic.

    "My husband and I both thought they where totally not going to want to talk to us again. I feel uncomfortable around them and anxious."

    I know how you feel. I am living it right now. It all depends on your family. There are some families that will treat you like you are disfellowshipped. They are hard-liners. They take the stance that you "know the truth" and by not going to meetings you are no better than a disfellowshipped person. There are some families that will look upon you with pity. They will think you are spiritually and mentally weak. They won't withdraw completely but they will curb much association with you. And then there are the liberal types. These are few and far between, but they will continue to love you no matter what. Which family you have.....I don't know.

    "She stated if "I keep talking like I am I'm going to get myself disfellowshiped. ""Do I know what that means. You have a lot to lose. I wont speak to you anymore. You will loose most of your family""

    Exactly. This religion is not christianity. It is an authoritarian structure where you dare not question the leaders.

    "I dont want my baby to not have family and feel insecure. I want him to feel well loved. I dont want to take that away from him."

    Keep in mind that the most IMPORTANT thing is that you and your husband are in this together. You are damn lucky in that regard. Regardless of what happens....if you and hubby are together and you love those kids with all your heart.......that is ALL they need. Extended family is a bonus. But keep in mind what extended family means for you. If your kids stay the night with grandma and grandpa.....cult indoctrination will likely occur. Grandma and grandpa know that you dont go to meetings so they will feel like it is their God-given duty to instruct your kids with witness teachings. The more your kids are around witness family....the more they'll be exposed to indoctrination.

    Sadly, your mother is "captive to the concept" that the society is God's one and only organization and even when they are wrong....they are right. If you haven't done so....read Captives of a Concept by Don Cameron. It explains perfectly why witnesses think exactly like your mom does. You can be an inactive witness.....yet still be so captive to the fear and authoritarian rule of the society.

    Don't discuss doctrine or errors anymore. Their minds are programmed to shut down and go into defense mode when they hear it.

    Above all else.....the biggest challenge for me was to try to remain calm. It is so easy to want to lash out and it is easy to get angry over the fact you've been duped. But remember.....your family are nothing more than victims.....just like you were. Only......they don't yet KNOW they are victims.

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