Inquiry to my website: What to do about 16 yr old converting to JWs? I will send family JWN link

by AndersonsInfo 20 Replies latest jw friends

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  AndersonsInfo

  I received the following email today at my website, www.watchtowerdocuments.com. Please help this loving uncle with some advice:

  Hello, I dont know if anyone can help me with this but I thought I would give it a shot. I'm a non-religous 30 something year old man and I have a problem. I have always thought each to their own when it comes to religion and lifestyle; I figure it's none of my business as long as my family and loved ones are well looked after.

  Now, my 16 year old niece has been taken in by JW's because her new boyfriend is a member, and they have been told that she must convert or they cannot be together anymore.

  Seeing as this is her first boyfriend and she is at an impressionable age, plus the fact she is quite insecure in herself, it hasn't taken much to persuade her to join in the bible studies etc, and start believing in things that only 2 months ago she had no interest in at all. I have expressed my concerns over this with her - she views me more as a father figure than an uncle, since her own parents care very little for her - and have been met with nothing but robotic answers and a lot of preaching about how 'god is love'. This is not my niece; we are very close and I know her very well, more like a good friend, and the person I talk to now is no longer her.

  I have read a lot about the negative aspects of the JWs and I have warned her about them, yet she seems completely oblivious to anything I say and only gets defensive about her new found faith.

  I feel like I have lost an honourary daughter, a loving niece who used to care deeply about family, and a good friend all in one and am at a loss as to what to do now.

  Thank you for reading this.
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  Band on the Run

  The motivation is obvious. I saw gfs go boy crazy in big ways. Nothing could talk them out, except time. Teens are so vulnerable. Sadly, my female cousins married around her age to much older brothers. The Witnesses did not see as strange but a good thing. Mocking the Witnesses or telling her she will reconsider will not help. I believe a right tone must be set. Clueless at how to arrive there.

  I know the more I saw of the world, the less hold the Witnesses had on me.
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  diamondiiz

  16 years old is an impressionable age especially when there is lack of love from parents. Biggest problem is that she got close to a witness and made him her boyfriend. Not only was he breaking some of jw rules by dating non-jw but also dating too young to marry. I'm guessing he got cought and the niece was told they couldn't be together unless she converts.

  Since it appears that she really liked the guy she didn't think it would be too big of a deal to convert to another religion - right? Problem is, she's too young to marry, there is no guarantee the two will marry down the road as there is no guarantee he won't dump her in a week. That said, it's a horrible idea to jump in and study with cult members when she didn't know anything about them or their history. Once she accepted the study, JWs will be all over her! Love bombing galore! Being young and naive she will assume these people are wonderful thus will have no problem studying the "bible" with them. Actually they will study watchtower theology with cherry picked scriptures to support their ideas. As they began, the first ideas of living forever on paradise earth with perfect health and mind will appeal to anyone, let alone a child.

  The girl, should be encouraged to take a month or two from the religion and given a chance to examine what ex members have to say, what the old doctrines were taught that she won't be told about and what kind of life she will have once she joins the group. She should examine jwfacts.com and read wikipedia on jws and the watchtower. If she can join this site and ask questions or read what others have said, this might help her. At this point, she was probably told that satan will try to test her or trick her to not study because satan doesn't want her to gain everlasting life - this is typical cult fear mongering and mind control. This satan bullshit applies to even the loved ones where once she truly believes this idea not even the most loving family member can make her stop the study as any attempt to break the study will only confirm jws' claim that satan is testing her.
  
  It might be a good idea to reason with her that she's too young to marry at this time thus changing religion over a boy is not a good idea.

  It might help to tell her that she should read some of the old publications they don't want her to read anymore, like Russell's Thy Kingdom Come and see what he taught regarding 1914 and Jesus return. Since she's new to jws, the new light may not be a problem at this point. She might be able to see through the "new light" deception.

  Another good idea is to get her to read Steven Hassan's book(s) and compare the way jws are to other cults.

  Maybe ask her if she would buy a used car from the seller without any research done prior to and without checking with other owners of these vehicles to see what they taught of these cars, similar to joining a new religion by only listening to those who are selling their version of god is not a good idea.

  Get her to talk, and reason why jws discourage wts research or why they claim ex members are evil and should be shunned. But really it's the ex members she should really talk to to get any and all her questions answered, if not her then maybe the uncle could join here and ask for advise regarding the topics he's going to talk to her or the topics she brings up.
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  jamiebowers

  Please read Combatting Cult Mind Control by Steven Hassan asap. Here is a lnk to his website: http://www.freedomofmind.com/

  I was also 16 when I met my jw boyfriend and converted to marry him, which I did by 17. It was a nightmare marriage where I was so seriously abused and my life threatened that he was twice forcibly committed to mental institutions. Watch Tower doctrine dictates that remarriage is impossible unless one spouse can prove adultery against the other or if there is a confesson. I was badgered by the elders to remain in the marriage and given the choice of either stalking the man who was threatening to kill me or excepting the fact that he would stalk me.

  Unfortunately my family were also jws, and I was badgered by my own mother, and I made what was probably a false confession of adultery* just to keep my ex-husband from having one more second of influence over my life. In doing so, I was df'd and lost my home, most of my possessions, and my family.

  The Watch Tower truly is a cult, and even their recent literature encourages women to stay in abusive marriages. See the 2/15/12 Watchtower that will be studied this coming Sunday. Do whatever it takes to get your niece out, but do it correctly. Good luck!

  *This was more than 20 years ago, and I'm not positive when I started dating again.
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  baltar447

  How dare they prey on an impressionable 16 year old child!
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  james_woods

  Hasn't anybody told the uncle to get the facts to the girl's parents?
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  thecrushed

  *gulp* JW's always prey on the Old, Young, niave, and just plain dumb. I hope that you are able to reach her because the alternative is unacceptable. You definately cannot go at them full force because they will be already telling her she is going to be attacked when she starts studying. JW's are trained to cover there tracks and preemptively prepare there study's before worried family members try to talk some sense into them. Your job is going to be tricky. The Cult has perfected the technique of pulling people in over the past 100 years or so. Don't blame the people, the people are under mind control and are only doing what they are programmed to do.
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  jgnat

  I know a mother of a sixteen year old girl who was actively pursued by an elder's son. The mother effectively put an end to the relationship within a couple years by becoming informed, speaking to her daughter's heart and soul, showing friendliness to the enemy camp, and letting nature take it's course.

  This was a much-loved daughter who expected to be treated like a princess. A JW boy is going to forego the small niceties that go with dating...like gifts at birthdays, Christmas, and so on. There is a fair bit of mysogyny in the Witness camp, so this boy ASSUMED that their mutual hormones would be uncontrollable and a few months of dating would make them practically engaged. Whoa, hold on there, soldier. These early teenage years are for shopping the field, learning more about yourself and what you really want.

  The boy also disdained the Witness girls in his hall as he thought them all tramps.

  Not great husband material, huh? Yet, in the Witness world, with the higher proportion of women, these young male whippersnappers strut around like they are the next thing to God's son.

  I have a few ideas for you, loving Uncle.

  • It sounds like you have done your best to instill in your neice that she is a worthy young woman, who deserves the best. You might remind her of this by asking her what her dream date would look like. I can guarantee this boy can't measure up.
  • Similarly, ask what little niceties this boy has indulged her with. Hmmmmm.
  • To show friendliness in the enemy's camp, ask to come along at the next assembly or convention. During break, cruise the halls with your neice. Check out the young people pairing off. Note how the girls are fawning over the pimple-faced boys. None of these boys are on the football team, either.
  • Don't be afraid to attend a meeting here or there. I would forego the offered "bible study" and go directly to a meeting. To further dissuade the vultures otherwise known as pioneers, carefully stagger your visits, and never go two weekends in a row. You are NOT a prospect but rather an interested observer. Be alert, and ask your neice questions about what you see. If she makes an excuse, say "That sounds like an excuse."
  • Ask if there is a book or manual that the Witnesses use as a guide for their marriage, other than the bible. (There is, called "The Secret of Family Happiness"). Ask what it says about the woman's role in the marriage. Any modern girl should shudder at the book's advice (i.e. stay with an abusive partner.)
  • Never show hostility or anger, but show genuine interest in your neice's future.

  I wish you all the best.
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  nugget

  you are dealing with young love and infatuation the more you attempt to pull them appart and take her away from the religion and the object of her affection then the stronger she will cling to him and it. At this stage it is important that the lines of communication are kept open and you do not lay down any ultimatums. Be careful not to tell her they are wrong or evil she will have been warned about pressure from family members and will see this as proof that they are right.

  She is in the early stages of indoctrination getting lots of positive reinforcement and approval. People will be telling her how clever and great she is and giving her alot of pseudo affection. On top of this she is getting closer to her goal of being with her boyfriend. This is a concern because although in general the boys we fancy at 16 we loathe at 18, in the witness world the pressure is to marry young so young people make poor choices about marriage and enter a committment they are unprepared for.

  What you can ask her is that she is being asked to make a lot of sacrifices for this boy, giving up Christmas, Birthdays, religious freedoms and changing religion he must be very special. What sacrifices has he made for her to show how much he loves her. Love is after all a reciprical arrangement. Remind her how much you love her just as she is and assure her that your love will never be conditional whatever she chooses to believe. Ask her to ask him and her bible study if she were to get baptised and then change her mind about the faith would the people in the hall still be warm and friendly would they still be her friend? Their love is conditional, people who choose to leave are shunned. if they say anything different to this then they will have lied to her and you can use this in the future.

  Ask her if is correct that they are called the Truth. Such a religion is therefore holding itself to a very high standard. She is a fabulous girl so full of promise and potential. So if she is giving those fabulous qualities to anyone or anything she needs to be sure they are worthy of it. It is a serious commitment and she needs to be sure that she has done herself the justice of looking into the religion properly. If she was going to a college she would look at the prospectus and talk to current students but she would also research on line to see how independent people reviewed the college. Request that she treats this commitment just as seriously not only asking current witnesses but also checking on line to see how independent schloars view the faith. After all truth does not become a lie when someone checks into it.

  Don't tell her too much get her to question and think. It is interesting that ICSA (international cult studies association) views the witnesses as a cult and is running a workshop in May in Philidelphia specifically about JWS. They are a good place to find counsellors and therapists who specialise in cults.

  What is most improtant is that she knows you love her and will always love her. She is lucky to have such a supportive person on the outside.
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  troubled mind

  Maybe the Uncle should fien interest by attending studies with her ,and bringing up thoughtful questions she may not be mature enough to come up with yet. Attend meetings with her and make observations she may not be seeing . Since her parents don't seem as plugged in she is lucky to have an Uncle that cares .

  I could not say it better than Nugget has already stated .....teach her some critical thinking skills through conversations . Avoid attacking the JW religion ,but bring up thinking type questions . Help her to think ahead (something most young teens don't do well )