A death in my family (JW funeral)

by fade_away 13 Replies latest jw experiences

  • fade_away
    fade_away

    For the first time in my life I have lost someone close to me that I loved very much. My brother died last week of an asthma attack. I just got back from the funeral that was held yesterday. He died at 36. Even though he was an elder and the holiest saint of all of my parent's children, I got along with him so well! Him and I have SO many memories. He lived his life so well and had so much fun while he was here. We had play fights as kids and after growing up, we went to so many places and did so many things. He was absolutely the best human being I could imagine and I'm not just saying that cause he is my brother....everyone and I mean EVERYONE loved him! He had no enemies whatsoever! Everyone at the hall, everyone at his job, every JW and worldly man, woman and child loved him. That's because he was always a happy man with many jokes to tell and an amazing personality....always very selfless and a giving person. Always volunteering to help in anything he can. He was amazing enough to make his death especially tragic and extra painful to endure.

    Since he was an elder, I knew I was in for a JW propaganda funeral. When I stepped foot in that funeral home and saw him lying there, I broke down and cried like I've never cried before. It was such a surreal feeling! I never imagined to see him in a coffin that young! I imagined this day in the distant future when he would be in his 70s, but not now. Soon, the JW sheep and sheep herders walked in and started their usual preaching/consoling of words. You know, the whole "He is only sleeping" and "We'll see him soon". Even as I write this my facebook JW friends are messaging me these Watchtower scripted condolences. One sister was taking pictures of everything and everyone telling me that maybe if these pictures and videos survive armageddon, we could show him when he resurrects so he can see how many people cared for him. Another brother who knows I am inactive told me "You know what you need to do if you want to see him again right?"

    Then came the 30 min talk. It spoke of all his accomplishments in the cult...his service hours, his baptism, his status promotions from publisher to ministerial servant, to elder and all his public talks, and how the Bible speaks of death as a deep sleep that only God can wake him out of. I wanted to knock out the next person who told me that the day of his death is more important than his birth. That doesn't make me feel better. Another thing that bothered me was how people were more concerned about my beard than they were about my brother's death. I had to end up shaving the thing to avoid embarassing my parents. My mom was all concerned about my beard, sister so and so's skirt two inches above the knee, an "evil" pentecostal couple paying their respect, a worldly cousin wearing a cross on his neck and all this BS that had nothing to do with her son's death. Don't get me wrong, she was in tremendous pain, but it seems that no matter what the occasion is, there's always room for judgement.

    All this was making me uncomfortable since I am leaning towards atheism. I know that the hope of resurrection and/or heavenly afterlife is just wishful thinking of primitive men to help them cope with the pain of losing a loved one. It's times like these I wish I believed in God because it would certainly numb the pain greatly! My dad whole heartedly believes he will see him again so even though he was sad, he didn't shed many tears. I envied his numbness. I was in real pain. I don't blame anyone for their delusional belief about a resurrection/afterlife. If it helps them cope with tragedy, why not? Now I wish I hadn't done so much reading on science and the origins of life and the nature of all things and the history of culture, religion, tradition, humanity and its psychology. It was all this reading that killed God for me. It proved he can't possibly be real. So far I have seen tons of proof that the Bible is a fairy tale book and no proof that it isn't. When the Bible is revealed to be false, God dies. The reason I wish I hadn't done so much logical and scientific reading is cause believing in God would reduce the pain of death. But what I learned can't be unlearned....unless you show me hardcore, undeniable proof that the Bible is entirely real and God does exist along with a future hope of resurrection. Proof without the whole "have faith" and "because the Bible says so" reasoning.

    This thread is asking athiests what's the best way for us to deal with death? The afterlife and resurrection fantasies are nice wishful thinking, but the real world needs something just as comforting.

  • jamiebowers
    jamiebowers

    I'm so sorry for your loss! Being an agnostic, I don't have an athiest's answer for you. But all living things that I know of are recycled after death. So why not a person's spirit? No one knows for certain whether there is life after death. So the way I look at it is, if there is, then great! If there isn't, I won't know anyhow. This idea has gotten me through loss. I really don't mean to sound flip.

  • Billy the Ex-Bethelite
    Billy the Ex-Bethelite

    I'm sorry to hear about the death of your brother. 36 is way too young.

    This thread is asking athiests what's the best way for us to deal with death? The afterlife and resurrection fantasies are nice wishful thinking, but the real world needs something just as comforting.

    I lost an elderly relative recently. It wasn't a surprise to us. But it gave my siblings and me the chance to talk about things like this. Even as an atheist, death may be the end of it, but maybe not exactly. It's something we don't know until we get there. And there's really nothing we can do about it anyway.

    So what do we do?

    I'll tell you what we do. We grab hold of life now. We don't ignore our family while we go out and try to recruit for WT with the promise of a panda-petting paradise. Rather than make our children sit silently through a meeting and take them out for a paddling if they start to fuss in those uncomfortable chairs, we love them and teach them to really be kind and generous. We take pictures and videos while we're alive and together. We laugh and cry, love and live with passion, today and everyday. We don't live wrecklessly because we want to live a long life and be remembered for being good, making the world a better and happier place for those who survive after us.

  • fade_away
    fade_away

    Thanks guys...Billy, you are so right in your last paragraph. Just like my brother did, I have to live life as it comes at me one day at a time and live it to it's fullest. I'm glad my brother enjoyed every minute of life before he left.

  • jwfacts
    jwfacts

    I am sorry to hear of your loss. It is even more tragic due to his age. My father died a few months ago at 64, and even that seemed too young and unfair. When my father died it was probably easier to cope with, since he had shunned me for the first few years of my being disfellowshipped, and I had already gone through a period of grieving and learning to live with just memories

    " You know what you need to do if you want to see him again right? "

    I had exactly the same comment. It is so inconsiderate, since they know you are aware that is what they believe, and so unnecessary to be voiced during such a time of grief.

    There is a saying, "forever in our hearts." They has really started to mean something to me. The cherished memories will remain with you for life. For me, it is as if my father is still alive. The feelings and thoughts I have are as if he is still here, just a phone call away. It is sad when I want to pick up the phone and talk, but cannot, but the thoughts that come to mind are as vivid as ever. Even without a resurrection hope, the memory of a person and all the lives they touched remain.

  • betterdaze
    betterdaze

    fade_away, Deep love and respect for your brother and all who knew him really shine through in your post. So sorry for your loss.


    This thread is asking athiests what's the best way for us to deal with death? The afterlife and resurrection fantasies are nice wishful thinking, but the real world needs something just as comforting.



    Consider this recent topic? It helped me think about losing close family members in quite a different perspective than we were once taught.

    ~Sue
  • truman
    truman

    fade_away, I am so sorry for your loss. Having only 2 weeks ago lost my gentle, humble, sweet 35-year-old son to murder, I can feel the freshness of your pain resonate with my own. My son's brother is in your position. We are struggling to cope, too. Although I left the Jws a decade or so ago, my son was still a JW and had a JW memorial. It is difficult to see the loved one get short shrift, while the WTS message gets a full-on infomercial. In our case, the circumstances of my son's death were so shocking that the individual JWs had barely anything to say. I heard many say, "there are no words for this." Still, the local JWs did the best they could to memorialize my son, but they have little to draw upon. Their grief was real, but their belief system is hollow and their memorial format is dictated by the Watchtower Society; in times of deep pain, JWs have only platitudes at hand. In order to find some comfort for ourselves that we did not get at the JW memorial and to honor my son more fully, we did our own family ceremony a week later. It was peaceful and beautiful. It has not made the pain go away, but it did help us make some forward progress through our grief. As the mother of a dead son who died senselessly in the middle of his young adulthood, let me say that your mother is in deep pain and will be for a long time. What an additional burden she must carry because she is a JW who must "not mourn as the world does," but must only repeat the JW resurrection mantra to express her loss.

    As for the conclusions you have reached, or wish you had not reached, about the nature of life and death (and G/god), I cannot say much. Death is painful,whether one has religious faith or not. In the decade since I left the JWs, I have come to realize that rational understanding of the world may seem to preclude any real life of the spirit , but for me that does not have to be the only way to view things. I am a thinker and a skeptic at heart. I am also a believer in something that goes beyond what we can see and touch and measure with our scientific instruments. At this point in my life I can allow these two aspects of understanding to co-exist in myself. Each serves me, and they mutually balance the tendency to invest in either blindly. None of this is making my pain go away.

    I hope that you will be able to reach a point in your grief that will allow you to appreciate the good things of your brother's life without the pain of his loss obscuring them. That is what I am trying to reach for in my circumstances. It is a long road to journey, I am seeing. As a fellow traveler, I offer my sorrow along with yours for our lost son and brother.

    Anne

  • Broken Promises
    Broken Promises

    ((((Fade_away))))

    ((((truman))))

    I agree with Billy's words - enjoy life now, and make the most of every moment. We never know what is around the corner - live so that hopefully you'll live a long life, but live without regrets too. Love those around you, enjoy what you have, seek to learn more. Regardless of if there's an afterlife or not, enjoy the life you're living now.

  • Phizzy
    Phizzy

    Thinking of you, the next little while in your life will be painful, shed those tears, and remember what a good guy he was, he lives on in the hearts of those who love him.

  • Tamasin
    Tamasin

    I am so sorry I have no words for you to comfort. :(

    This has made me remember when my father died at 51 of cancer, I never truly grieved as I was a JW then and believed I would see him resurrected so why be so sad? Well that sucked because now 11 yrs later I still haven't come to terms and also have been told if I don't come back I won't see him again.

    Anyway sorry to hijack the thread, your brother sounds amazing and I guess the only comfort is to be had by remembering the fun happy life filled man you knew, he will always be in your mind and no-one can take that away from you. :)

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