Some of you on this board know me, or at least part of my story, very likely most of you do not.
I am a 21 yr old male from Chicago who finally mustered the courage to DA myself roughly 6 months ago.
Being a 3rd-generation JW, my grandfather was an elder 45 years, so this developed a reputation and precedence for me that I would one day be a CO.. or go to Bethel. Such high expectations, which I am happy I never fulfilled.
Being raised in the Org, the only friends I ever really developed in social circles were JW. Time and again I was kind of used and abused by these so called "friends", and I thoroughly believed the doctrine, and gsve without asking in return. I know I have a good heart, I just dont know if there is a place for a person with a loving heart anymore.
After dealing with more BS than I could conceivably type in a post, and then soul-searching and researching for myself information about the WTBTS, I took a stand and DA myself, despite losing every friend I ever had, and going against all Id ever been taught.
I guess I just feel sad and lonely sometimes. To have your own flesh-and-blood brother and his wife tell you how sad it will be after Armageddon when your grandparents are resurrected explaining why you will not be there.. maybe you can understand why I am depressed.
My own mother has told me time and again she loves me, but not the man that I am. Why do they insist you accept the Truth as the only path, and if you question its validity.. your the devil? They want householders to have an open mind and listen to their message, but when I tried to tell my family about the UN involvement, the change in various doctrines, and the ever prevalent hypocrisy, they rebutted that I was the saddest excuse for a human being to walk this earth.
I have difficulty making friends, for I have so little trust in people. You only get hurt so many times, that you build a barrier to avoid emotion, so as not to get hurt again. God, Im 21, and sometimes I feel like Im 60.
Im not posting here for sympathy, and Im not posting for other people to start replying questioning my honesty, which seems to happen alot in this place. I can understand why people are so defensive, lord knows as much as Ive been lied to, I know why people are skeptical.
I guess I just relate so much easier to people on this board. Ive tried talking to coworkers and even a psychologist about my feelings and my situation, but I guess you just cant fully understand or cope unless youve experienced it yourself. From reading many of the posts on this board, Ive been saddened by loss, uplifted by people overcoming obstacles, and amazed at stories that in some ways are so similar to my own. I guess I just want to find some tangible friends who are ex-JW, who are trying just as hard as me to overcome the psychological and emotional devastation that the whirlwind of leaving the Org causes.
Some of you may have been to my website. Sometimes I feel or appear like I am on top of the world, and most would probably figure by looking at me that I am very happy. Most dont realize that the ones who look most happy, are often dying inside. Sometimes I think Im crazy, I go from being thrilled that I had the courage to walk away and for standing up for myself knowing full well that the JW are bogus, and sometimes I feel soo sad because I feel like Ive let my entire family down. Does this make sense? Or am I truly crazy?
Anyway, I just felt like typing out something here. Id love to hear some other peoples stories, and Id love to make some "real" friends, who will appreciate me for me, and not what they can get out of me.
:(
The true Kingdom of God is located in your heart, not an organization of hypocrites.
www.geocities.com/latinloverchicago/Jason1.html for my new webpage and info!! Im trying to live now!!