Have you ever had that “aha” moment? An epiphany? The cartoon lightbulb ever come up over your head? Where something makes sense to you so quickly that it could knock you over with a feather? I’ve just had one today and thought I’d share it…
My Grandmother is one of the most negative, small-minded, opinionated, stubborn, unpleasant women you’ll ever meet. She still lives in the town of 3,500 where she was born. Hasn’t traveled much out of town, let alone the state. Her father died when she was a teenager, she got pregnant at 16, married at 17, had three more kids by 23, divorced at 33, remarried at 33 to the man she had an affair with, lost two children to death, lost 3 of her 4 siblings to death, and is 70 and doesn’t have the money to retire. Whew. All that to say my Grandmother has not lived a charmed life.
As a child, my father didn’t let us kids have much contact with her. She was not a JW, spoke openly against my father’s new beliefs, a heavy smoker, and an independent thinker (cynical and asked lots of questions) – basically a “woman out of her place”. LOL! So you can understand why my devout JW father wouldn’t let us spend time with her.
When I was 19 and freshly Dfed, I made it a point to spend time with my Grandmother. She welcomed the relationship and did everything she could to make me realize she was proud of my newfound independence. We spent holidays together, wrote each other, sent each other presents, cards…we both really wanted to make up for lost time. Within just a few years, I began to realize something. Daddy didn’t want much to do with her for a reason completely different than she was NOT a JW. She was just plain unpleasant to be around. She smoked two packs a day (Not “digging” at you smokers, but when you’re not a smoker it’s unpleasant to be around.), complained about the weather (even when it was nice!), griped about my hair/makeup/clothing/boyfriend/jobs (even after I married a “nice Catholic boy” and got a steady job) and just found the tarnished side of EVERYTHING IN LIFE. Rarely had a sense of humor – except when being very sarcastic to the point of hurtfulness. When I started discovering what it was like to be around her, I began going to my friends parents for holidays. I quit writing her letters so much. I didn’t make my weekly phone calls. One Christmas, just a few years ago, we got into a full out argument.
Basically it went something like this:
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ANDI - Don’t say anything unless you have something nice to say. I’m tired of hearing you gripe about my life. I’m tired of hearing you complain about how hot/cold it is outside when it is beautiful, if not perfect weather. I’m hurt over the fact that all you see is the negative stuff in life.
GRANDMA – So you’re saying I’m a bad Grandmother?
ANDI – No. Did I say that? I want you to start being positive. Instead of complaining about how much you hate my hairdo, say something generic. Like “I see you’re growing your hair out.” If I want your opinion I’ll ask for it.
GRANDMA – I hate your hairdo. Why a girl with a pretty face like your would chop your hair like a boy’s is just terrible. (I had just cut off 15 inches of long straight hair to a pixie cut!)
ANDI – I don’t want your opinion about my hair!!!
GRANDMA – Well, I’m giving it to you because I want to do you the favor of telling you the truth. If I had an outfit on that you didn’t like, I’d want you to tell me, so I don’t embarrass myself out in public.
ANDI – My opinion on your outfit doesn’t matter. It’s YOUR outfit. If YOU like it – WEAR IT! That’s what makes me happy – seeing you happy in your outfit.
GRANDMA – What’s wrong with my outfit???
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And so on and so on and so on. This is what communicating with Grandmother is like. I hate it. It makes me nuts. I’ve not been to visit her since that day and barely talk to her on the phone but maybe 4/5 times a year now.
Just today, I’ve realized that the attraction to the JW lifestyle was a no-brainer to my Daddy. It was comfortable. An obvious choice. The Wonderland euphoria and Mad Hatter logic was how my dad was raised. How could The Troof not be appealing? At least it offered a prize at the end of the game, which is more than what his mother could offer him.
A handful of you have met me in person. Even without meeting me, you probably know that I’m a pretty upbeat person. I love to laugh. I love sappy love stories with happy endings. I love sunny days. I love yellow and bright colors. I love giving hugs and making others feel better. I do everything I can to encourage people, even if everyone else thinks they are a lost cause. What harm can it do right? I try to look on the bright side of life, but still keep a realistic viewpoint of my expectations. I almost hate to say this, but my Grandmother is my gauge. Sometimes I’ll hear something negative come out of my mouth and realize I sound like Her. I quickly try to correct my thinking and see something positive in a situation. I try to remember that there is a reason my Grandmother is the way she is…she’s lived a hard life and survived a lot of grievous moments. But I just hate the fact that I do that. It sounds so un-loving, but I can’t help it!
Thanks for letting me vent! I appreciate it! Any comments or suggestions are gladly accepted. I DO want your opinion, even if it’s about my hair!
Love,
Andi
PS: When I watch Seinfeld reruns and hear George's mother yelling at him or Jerry's mother fussing at him, I picture my Grandmother. What they say usually makes no sense whatsoever, but you're almost forced to respond to the stupidity of it all!