Friends, where have I gone wrong as a mother?

umadevi

First of all I 'm sorry my English is not very good.

I am feeling very low at this point. I am a single mother working full time. I have a 9 year son. I take him to my office when I work. My boss is a kind lady and allows me to keep him at office (he has a room of his own in office). He is a well behaved boy and liked by everyone. He is intelligent and does well in his school. We are close. I have always been proud of him and have prided myself on being a good mother. Until today.

My friend sent her daughter (she's 9 too and happens to be a friend of my son) to my place (home) as she was going out for the day. This has happened many times before. I don't mind taking care of the little girl as she is a well behaved kid too. So I cooked lunch for the 3 of us and later we played cards. I was feeling drowsy so I let them continue playing. I went to my room and took a short nap. Within minutes the my friend's daughter came running to my room screaming. I tried to calm her while calling out for my son. He came to my room and stood quietly. The girl told me that while they were playing they had some minor misunderstanding and as a result my 9 year old son lost his temper. He went to the kitchen and came back with a knife and put it to her throat! I was so shocked at hearing this and demanded my son for an explanation but he remains quiet. He is in his room now. I am at loss, don't know how to handle this situation.

What should I do? Have I failed as a mother?

ziddina

You haven't failed as a mother, but such violent behavior as his needs to be addressed as soon as possible - and I suspect the solution will require much more than a mere "time-out"...

If I were you, here is what I would be looking at...

First of all, I would talk to my son and find out why he did such a thing? Where had he seen this done? What made him think that he could get away with such behavior - or should act like that...?

If the boy wouldn't talk, or couldn't explain his actions, then I'd have to look at other factors...

What sort of behavior has his father exhibited? Did the father demonstrate such violence and TOTAL LACK OF RESPECT FOR WOMEN...??

If so, then if I were you, that is what I would HAVE to address, first. If the boy is learning such vicious behavior from his father - or another close male relative - then that person would need to be told that any more reinforcement of violence towards women will result in the child not being allowed to associate with him - as far as you can control such association.

If the male relatives behave respectfully, then I would look at the boys who associate with my son - and I would look with equal suspicion upon Jehovah's Witness boys as upon so-called "worldly" boys.

Lastly, I'd look at the video games and television shows he watches - but you'll notice that these are lower down on the list. Direct example by other male behavior within his family or friends, is a far stronger influence upon children than violent TV and video games...

Hope this helps...

Remember too - and this would be something to emphasize to your son - ultimately, everyone makes their own choices - and ultimately, we are all responsible for those choices, no matter the influences brought to pressure upon us.

I sincerely hope this works out for you.

Pig

kids dont understand the consequences of their actions.

Even the best of parents can have kids who are off the rails, but isnt it a little too early to say you've failed. He's only 9 for christs sake. And he made one big mistake, but it isnt over.

Has there been any warning signs?

How does he play with animals? Cruel or kind?

Is he immitating somebody elses behaviour? a male influence with temper problems?

Does he have an outlet such as martial arts or sports.

My advice is to remain as calm as possible.Show him support and love and understanding.

And dont make out like the world is ending, that really fucks kids up

Pig

a little bit sexist there ziddina

i've known plenty of woman who go off the rails, unable to control their anger.

allot of domestic abuse goes both ways

JWdaughter

Don't be too quick to beat yourself up. Look at the things that are influencing your son outside of your home. The first responder was right, but consider (if you don't feel that this is resolved with those suggestions) that you should take your son to a counselor. That is not normal or acceptable behavior and he is old enough to be held responsible for it in many jurisdictions. If the girl goes to her parents, it could get taken farther-and that might or might not be the worst thing that could happen depending on your coummunity, culture and resources. Please try to talk to him. If this is just a really stupid response that was not understood to be as awful as it was, it is one thing. If he has impulse control issues that reasoning can't help, he needs to get professional help.

Pig

you know the worst part will be the friends mother will be freaking out.

she will have a right to be angry and possibly over react.

but shit happens. Dont let her stress you out by making out the world is ending.

I know how "cotton wool" some parents are and if she is gonna make a huge deal (lawsuits, harrasment, guilt tripping) cut here off.

I repeat, dont let the other mother stress you out and blow things out of proportion

sizemik

In spite of all your good attention, kids at that age still haven't found "true north" on their own moral compass yet. They're still largely relying on parental direction. If he hasn't exhibited violent behaviour before . . . then he may simply be acting out what he has seen on TV or something, rather than it being an emotionally fuelled rage. I have 3 grown boys . . . and they displayed aggression at times around that age.

If you can gently prise out of him what really motivated him, using the suggestions above, this will help in deciding what course you should take. Be sure he understands the seriousness of such an act. And look for signs that he truly gets the point.

No, I don't think you are a failure as a parent . . . your level of concern is proof enough. Perfect kids are genetically impossible.

Take heart and take charge.

still thinking

My son did this to me when he was 12...I called the police and they took him to on of my friends house for the night. As a single parent, (which I was) you cannot afford to mess around with this type of behaviour. It was due in part to the break up of his father and me....and particularly unpleasant seperation and divorce. And as zid said here...

What sort of behavior has his father exhibited? Did the father demonstrate such violence and TOTAL LACK OF RESPECT FOR WOMEN...??

This was the main cause....His father was not violent towards me but was so disrespectful and encouraged it in our two children.

I had years of problems with them and it has only been the last couple that I have gained respect back. It is very hard work and I feel for you. There is nothing worse than having your own children behave this way. And you do feel like a failure as a parent.

mind blown

If he was maybe six or under, I could see it being a compulsive act.........but he's 9. You may want to reflect and see if you've been in dinial or making light of some behaviors that have been subtle hints. His anger could be coming from anywhere.

You can't just scold him. You need to find out what's going on. You will also need to keep a close eye on the situation and take him for couseling.

If they were playing some type of midevil game...maybe........but not out of anger or temperment.....

still thinking

I agree with mind blown....counselling is a good idea. Maybe check with his school to see if he is having problems there too...he may be getting bullied and acting out...it's hard to tell exactly whats going on if we don't know your situation.

Friends, where have I gone wrong as a mother?

Share this