Hi everyone, this is my first post here. First of all, let me explain a bit of my background. I was raised as a JW from the age of 4 years old. My family tried so hard to be the perfect JW family, but whatever you do and how much you do, it is never enough. My father has worked so incredibly hard his whole life, and he would struggle to make all the meetings and to go out in field service on little sleep, but it seems that he was never praised for his efforts, but just "shepharded" when he did less. I was eventually baptized...not so much because I thought that it was the truth, but more or less because it was the thing to do....It was all I had known since I was 3. The funny thing is though, it never really felt REAL to me....it never touched my heart. I would sit at the meetings and watch others around me, so into the meetings and wonder what was wrong with me. Why didn't I have this deep conviction and love that THEY had? Maybe there was something wrong, or bad about me. I was terminally guilty about feeling the way I felt. So many things that the speakers said didn't make sense to me.
A loving, father like God is willing to kill billions of men, women and children for not being a JW? A loving god will let billions suffer and die for thousands of years so he can prove his sovereignty, when to him 1000 years is like a day, but for his creatures time moves at a snails pace? etc. etc. There are so many examples I can come up with. Anyway...I still went through the motions. I eventually married "in the truth" <And luckily I am blessed with the worlds greatest guy in the world :) > We went to the meetings, but the more I went the less I agreed with, and the more I grew to feel that something was just not right. Then after a very difficult pregnancy and birth, my somewhat poor meeting attendence eventually grew to not going at all. It was during this time that is felt as if a veil was lifted from before my eyes. It's almost like waking up from a long dream.....I was starting to see things clearly and for the way that they really are!! What a true revelation to know that maybe there wasn't anything wrong with ME!
I now realize that being "In the truth" Is nothing more than being brain washed. When you have a chance to stand at a distance and have a chance to think for yourself for a while, you can see what is actually going on, the methods that are used to hang on to people. To me the most abhorrhent is the threat of losing those that you love if you DARE doubt a word TWBTS has to say. Unfortunately only a few members of my family have shaken free from "The truth" I have had sisters from the local hall calling on me for the past few months, trying to get me going...I can see the pity in their eyes as they try to shepherd this poor lost sheep <can you see me rolling me eyes?> recently, a few days ago I told one of the sisters that I had some questions that have been bothering me for a long time. So she told me to email them to her, as I think she knew it was something that would be too difficult for me face to face. So I finally emailed her a list of my biggest issues with the God that most christians worship. I read the letter to my husband before sending it and agreed with everything in it. It was basically the issues I stated above, plus a bit more. I have not heard back from her yet, but I can imagine she was probably slack-jawed for about an hour...then shut her puter off lest she become "demonized" by my heinous apostate malarky. <Why is it, that a group who is supposed to be so blessed by JH is so dang scared of being demonized?> Anyhow I 'spect I'll have the hanging party at my door within the next few days....sheesh. I'm still not sure what to do If that happens. Does anyone have any suggestions? HELP please....My husband is behind me 100% but I am so terrified of losing my family <parents on both sides, some brothers and sisters, grandparents, etc> It has taken me so long to get to this point...and in spite of my fear of losing my family I feel so wonderfully, gloriously free. The guilt that was constant companion for so many years has vanished, and I can know see a glimmer of the real God who created this beautiful earth. Not the Vindictive, scary creatures that most christians Worship. Any suggestions would be most humbily and gratefully accepted.
eyes_opened