How do you work through the Anger

jworld

How do you deal with the anger when your parents stop talking to you? My partner says I should continue to confront them but it builds so much anger in me and I sometimes I think I should just let it go and bring balance back to my own life. It's sort of sureal to mourn your parents while they are still alive. Having to deal with their death probably will be easier.

cult classic

I would do some reading on toxic parental relationships. That is the worst form of betrayal. So sorry this has happened. I would not continue to approach my parents only to be rejected. That is very painful.

Others will chime in with help soon.

mind blown

I have the opposite situation. I was first inactive and later DFd, so my daughter grew up mainly out of the WTS.

We've been very close most of her life, until, she stated dating an x witness jerk that of all things started witnessing to her. She began to study and now they are broken up but she's still studying. As time goes on she doesn't call me anymore. I gave her girl everything and was always there for her.

I at first I was horrified this was happening I was angry, sad, depressed and tried showing her the truth about the truth. Nothing worked. Her life wasn't going very well (bad choices) so she has clinged to the WTS even though she sees the badness within.

I've given her key proof (blatant BS) from the WTS own material that they are full of it, first they are inspired, then they are not, then they are as well as the Conti information, and the Menlo Park situation but have left it at that.

I've finally "resolved" within myself she needs to do what she needs to do. It's her life. I do get angry at times (not as often now) but then remember if I love her I will let her live her own life.I try not to dwell on it. It doesn't take the pain totally away but it does help not thinking about it

I also have older JW family members. They've been in so long, they wouldn't know what to do out. It would shatter their world to distroy their faith. I can't bring myself to do that, so I don't even bother.

I wish you the best

00DAD

This is a problem for exiting JWs.

I know I've been dealing with it for a few years. It got so bad that I went back to my therapist.

Most days I just want to be an EX-ex-JW. I would love to put this whole cult experience in my rear view mirror. But it's hard when you have family in. For me it's my two sons.

How do I stop thinking about JWs when my two adult sons are still stuck in?

I don't have an answer to that question. But here are some things that have at least helped mitigate it.

They--my sons, your parents--are acting they way the are because of their JW beliefs.
I must learn to forgive them although this is hard to do. It's especially hard to forgive people for hurtful behavior when they won't acknowledge they are wrong and do not ask for forgiveness. This is what we were taught as JWs. But as I am trying to put away all hurtful and harmful beliefs I have, I must also put away this harmful belief.
Staying angry at the organization keeps me emotionally bound to it.

I have been reading a book, Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life. It is clear that many of the problems and anger we have are due to the boundary violations committed against us by JW beliefs.

We no doubt allowed others, congregation elders and parents, to have more control over us than we ever should have. This is an invasion of our personal boundaries.

When we express a measure of autonomy and seek to re-establish appropriate boundaries (however we do/did that) then they draw different boundaries excluding us from our family and friends by institutionalized shunning.

We have allowed this to happen because we held those beliefs too. When we discard these limiting beliefs we gain personal freedom for ourselves but at a great personal expense, the loss of relationships.

It is understandable that this makes us feel hurt and angry. In fact, the intent of the shunning is to hurt us to manipulate and coerce through emotional blackmail and extortion. Abusers gotta' abuse, but we don't have to accept their abuse.

The fact is that we cannot control other people. Perhaps we can influence them. JW culture is a dysfunctional abusive culture based on manipulation, fear and control.

You're right to be angry, it will destroy you to stay angry.

I realize my thoughts somewhat ramble, but perhaps knowing others feel the same way and are working through the same challenges may help. You're not alone in this. Many of us have suffered the same abuse.

Hang in there. It does get better.

00DAD

jworld

00Dad, yes it does help to read about how others deal with this. All the points made here are true and I know that. The last thing I want is to end up consumed by anger over this so it feels like just pulling back is the answer. Just not the answer I wanted.

I did a search on Toxic Parents and found an old article on NYTimes. The most interesting quote in it was this:

"Likewise, the assumption that parents are predisposed to love their children unconditionally and protect them from harm is not universally true."

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/20/health/20mind.html

I have been operating under the assumption that my parents still have some love for me somewhere that if reached would be the solution. Love conquers all type of mentality. That appears to not be the case. That love is so buried at this point its been sufocated. Realizing this is the hard punch in the gut.

cult classic

They do love you. But they are being controlled by the cult mind at this time. The book Combatting Cult Mind Control helped me understand the real effect the cult has had on my family. It is a great book to help you depersonalize their response. It can help you find ways to interact with them also.

00DAD - That is an excellent book!

King Solomon

"Likewise, the assumption that parents are predisposed to love their children unconditionally and protect them from harm is not universally true."

I have been operating under the assumption that my parents still have some love for me somewhere that if reached would be the solution. Love conquers all type of mentality. That appears to not be the case. That love is so buried at this point its been sufocated. Realizing this is the hard punch in the gut.

Yup, there are so many assumptions still carried by ex-JWs that simply removing themselves from the environment doesn't mean they don't still carry around alot of their mental "baggage". Worse part is, EVERYTHING needs to be questioned, and the most fearful aspect for many is to give up that false sense of security for a realistic sense of vulnerability (which always WAS there, but the realization was simply denied).

FlyingHighNow

When you cannot change something, you have to put it outside your emotional house. You are in the hearth of your emotional house. It's the most comfortable part of the house and you should only let people who are comfortable into this part of your house. Put your parents down at the town square. You will know where they are always, but you don't have to think of them every minute as if they sat with you in the hearth. My therapist taught me to do that with people and my emotions. I see her for anxiety.

Another thing she taught me, and this is especially helpful with our children, but works with anyone we love. Everyone is on his or her own unique journey. No one guaranteed the journey would be easy. We have to let people walk their own journeys. My family who shun me? I just place them somewhere safe and think about them only now and then. I hope the best for them.

I've heard it said that depression is anger turned inward. And I believe that anger can be depression and anxiety turned outwards. Treating the depression and anxiety can help.

rather be in hades

this might sound funny, but it's been working for me:

put yorself in THEIR perspective. at one point, you were a jehovah's witness right? so you know that at some point if, say a friend, was disfellowshipped, then you'd have to shun them, whether you wanted to or not.

yor parents are probably in the same mode. to them it's a matter of life and death. to them this is something they believe wholeheartedly. at one point, if you were in, you might have done the same.

that's not going to fix the situation, but it might help you get some perspective.

i was angry at my father for a very long time. then i started putting myself in his shoes.

how would i feel if my son was great at sports but was never allowed to play them even though he absolutely loved them, because some silly religion said so?

how would i feel if i get visitation rights during the holidays, bt my son won't celebrate them bc of some cult?

how would i feel if my son was in a cult to begin with? wouldn't i do everything i could to get him out?

i'll probably never bother trying to get to know him, but at least i don't hate him anymore.

Bella15

How old are you? If you are a grown up, I'd say, take ownership of your adulthood and move on with your life ... it should not be in your concience. I put my parents and family in God's hand ... I am always here for them when they need me - usually to borrow money - but at least they know they can count on me ...

How do you work through the Anger

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