Do You Ever Look Back? Should We?

by Joe Grundy 16 Replies latest jw experiences

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  Joe Grundy

  I'm a bit unusual here, never was a JW, don't suffer from the ex- or leaving JW stuff, but I surely can sympathise with those who do.

  Tomorrow ( 2 August) my divorce decree absolute is issued, disolving the marriage with my Filipina Princess. I'm not sad about that, per se, it will be good to get the whole sorry episode over and done with. Yet, when I married this lady (in far too much haste, as many told me) I had high hopes for our future.

  I still have hopes for my future and wear an optimistic smile (even if I don't feel like it sometimes). I am, in the great scheme of things, lucky. I try to look back, draw on the happy memories, learn from mistakes, and move on.

  Not always easy, though, is it?
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  King Solomon

  It's impossible NOT to look back, but it's interesting to note that the motives for doing so are mixed, and will change.

  Looking back for the purposes of determining what you could change about yourself IS helpful, if not mandatory: otherwise you're likely to simply repeat the same mistakes over and over... (In fact, thats the idea behind a thread I started, "if you are reading this, every assumption you have MAY need to be questioned")

  If you look back without anything but nostalgia (where the -algia suffix refers to 'pain', hence literally a painful memory, or mourning for the past), then that may not be healthy.

  The stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) which applies to any loss in life, are common, and appreciating the natural progression is important with back-sliding and leap-frogging to be expected.
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  james_woods

  How long were you married to her, Joe Grundy?
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  talesin

  look back, draw on the happy memories, learn from mistakes, and move on.

  A healthy attitude, in my opinon.

  To look back, with a view to learning from the past, can only help, and enables us to move on.

  At the same time, it's important to ensure that we live in the 'now', and do not let past events overwhelm our current thinking. Feelings of bitterness, or 'what if', are not the purpose of this exercise.

  Rather, the purpose is to make new and different, healthier choices in our current and future decision-making.

  xo

  tal
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  Joe Grundy

  James: "How long were you married to her, Joe Grundy?"

  Just two years, James, May 2009 until now. It wasn't the best or clearest decision I ever made in my life, but I had hopes.

  My previous (first) marriage lasted 23 years. We have two children, three grandchildren, and are, probably, closer as a divorced couple than many still-marrried couples are.

  This is a time for me to look back and to be honest, it comes a little hard. I have tried my best all of my professional life and have always tried to do my best. I don't suppose that I'm alone in thinking 'was it worth it?'. Well, I suppose, all we can do is to do our best, try and make a difference when and where we can and not spend too much time looking back.
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  Billy the Ex-Bethelite

  What tal said

  You can't change the past, but you can learn from the past.
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  james_woods

  Well, I suppose, all we can do is to do our best, try and make a difference when and where we can and not spend too much time looking back.

  That is true.
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  Balaamsass

  Joe I am so sorry for your pain. Heartbreak is worse than physical pain.

  Look back? Heck we all do that way too much.

  Do something FUN!! Get some of your old buds together for a pub crawl. COPs can drink most people under the table so celebrate!

  On the news last night I understand a pile of tickets will be released for empty seats at the Olympics! THAT would be fun. If not, you have clearances, why not get a short security gig for the remainder of the show in London?
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  wisdomfrombelow

  Evreyone who doesn't look back and reflect is doomed to future failure. Your tale makes me want to ask so many questions as to the what and the why but I hope in the future you can find a new princess if you so desire.
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  Joe Grundy

  It's probably bad form to resurrect your own thread, but ..

  Today I met up with the Filipina Princess for the first time in a long time. I didn't plan it, but I didn't go out of my way to avoid it, if you know what I mean. We had drinks/coffee.

  There was a great deal of very straight talking and tears on her part. I fully admit that I am far from perfect and have faults but the divorce was based on her behaviour. I itemised and challenged the behaviour that led to our estrangement and divorce. Most of it, I can see, was because of her insecurity and I can't blame her for that. Not marital insecurity, there was never any reason for that, but being a Filipina in a strange country.

  She has done very well in her job (carer in a nursing home). She works long hours for crap pay but is held in very high esteem by the patients and colleagues. She loves her job (it's not one I could do).

  I fell in love with her when I first met her and had high hopes for our marriage. I remain somewhat cynical, of course, but after our talk I was/am tempted to try again. I know that she would come back tomorrow.

  Many things to think about, not least the effect her jealousy and behaviour had on my family. This was discussed as well and she promised me, through her tears, that she had learned a hard lesson and could change. Whether my family could accept her back is another matter.

  I want to believe her but there is always at the back of my mind the misery she put me through - and, of course, the possibility that all of this could be a ploy for her to stay in the UK. She is, at heart, a good woman. I believe that.

  So maybe I should change my thread title to 'Can We Go Back?'.