Cult Life - Disposable Relationships

by cog_survivor 14 Replies latest jw friends

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  cog_survivor

  I've been reading a lot of the posts and agonizing with/for folks who are trying to fade or come out of the WTBS. There seems to be this recurring theme of family still in, trying to keep from losing them.

  This seems almost universal no matter the group. Either you are one of us, or you are not. You are either in or out. You are with us or against us. There is no middle ground whatsoever. Bonds are formed in the context of the group first. They may go deeper depending on the nature and personalities of the participants.

  What seems to end up happening is that maintaining relationships after a person leaves is a herculean task. The pain, fear and sense of betrayal felt by the insiders makes it easier to see the person who leaves as already dead. At least they can mourn and get on with their lives in hopes that their loved one will experience a spiritual resurrection.

  I wonder how much difference it makes if the relationship is loving and fairly equal before the fader begins their exit? If the family members who refuse to consider the logic behind the faders actions, can they continue to still have a tolerant loving relationship and if yes, how would that be accomplished? What would be the necessary elements?

  Any thoughts?
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  SophieG

  “Either you are one of us, or you are not. You are either in or out. You are with us or against us. There is no middle ground whatsoever. Bonds are formed in the context of the group first. They may go deeper depending on the nature and personalities of the participants.”

  That should be the FIRST sign to anyone that something is WRONG with JWs! I never noticed it until I decided to leave. It is IRRATIONAL!

  I come from a large loving acceptable family. I would not be the first to fade, I have seen my family tolerate, still love and include the first fader, it’s family. I have also see them tolerate a DF family member by keeping some form in contact with them.

  I think it will be very noticeable when I start to really live differently..but then again I have always been different! LOL! I do know when I start to make some specific choices/changes to my life it’s going to set off alarms. Maybe then I can *tearfully* explain my choice, to live life my way.

  I can let go of my JWs friends, but you know what, I have a funny feeling they won’t let go of me…the ones who really know and care about me. I have been hanging with them and I been inactive/fading purposefully for about 2 years now, and none the wiser.

  I am beginning to realize that fading more of a protection to THEIR FRAGILITY!!!
• 

  outsmartthesystem

  With JWs, loyalty to the cult is the # priority. The belief is that you cannot serve God WITHOUT the organization therefore putting loyalty to anyone OTHER than the organization first is tantamount to putting that person before God.

  Therefore for a truly indoctrinated person.....it does not matter how strong their relationship is with you prior to your fade. They must cut you off. They must show that they are putting God first.
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  cyberjesus

  If are faded then that gives them an excuse to talk to you... if you are Dfd then they have more mental difficulties.
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  undercover

  Either you are one of us, or you are not. You are either in or out. You are with us or against us. There is no middle ground whatsoever. Bonds are formed in the context of the group first.

  Any group that uses relationships within said group as incentive to preserve people's association in the group , then it's a damaging high control group.

  Notice the difference between friends made in most normal situations and the JW norm of friendships

  You make friends in school. After school, you lose touch with most, but a few may remain friends throughout life. Remaing in school was not required to remain friends.

  You make friends in the neighborhood. Eventually someone moves. You lose touch with some, but a couple may remain friends no matter where you, or they, live. Living in the neighborhood is not required to remain friends.

  You make friends at work. You change jobs. Most people from the previous company are forgotten, but a couple may remain friends from then on. Remaining employed at the company is not required to keep those friendships that you cultivated there.

  You make friends while indoctrinated into the JWs. You decide to leave the faith. Friendships end because you left. To remain friends with the other JW members you must remain active in their activities and beliefs. Anything less and your friendship is no longer recognized.
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  SophieG

  undercover:
  
  YOU SAID IT!!!

  That is a great way to reason with those we love who we still want to keep contact with. I mean when I think about how to say it, it's always along the line of how we as a family still interact with "worldly" family members. BUT let a JW family member decide to leave and you don't even talk to them. That makes NO SENSE!!!
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  00DAD

  If it's conditional, it ain't love! - 00DAD
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  slimboyfat

  Of course love is conditional. As an extreme example, if the object of your love kills you then you can no longer love. There are less extreme situations were love is rightly diminished too.

  Having said that, love that is conditional upon accepting the religious beliefs of JWs is just dumb, not because love should not be conditional under any circumstances, but because it should not be conditional on THAT.
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  truthseeker

  I know exactly how this feels and it takes an unimaginable toll on me, pretending to be in for my grandmothers who are in their 80s.

  It hurts like hell to lie to them, but it's either than or lose them.
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  designs

  After 40+ years as a JW the friends cut and ran with some of the closet friends arranging the Judicial committees and Witch Hunts including my own brother.