Signs you are in a "toxic relationship"....?

by stuckinarut2 13 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

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  steve2

  Sonofthe Trinity, it would be interesting to hear your wife's views on your behavior. She may well view you as the toxic party.

  It really sounds like your marriage has deteriorated into both sides adopting negative response styles that inflame matters and show the lack of reciprocal respect and goodwill. And children witness two adults communicating in willfully negative ways!

  You're playing an age old game children play who, when caught, cry, "But (s)he started it!"

  Surely the aim would be to refuse to stoop to the other party's negative tactics by exhibiting behavior that is consistent with your values and engenders self -respect by not making matters worse. There are some helpful resources on communication when the "other" side uses negative tactics.
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  SonoftheTrinity

  Steve2 I have Aspergers Syndrome, and while I don't want to use it as a free pass to dish it out but not take it. Even the littlest put down is an invitation to a battle of insults of infinite profanity and infinite verbal rage until everybody around me is either miserable or hilariously entertained by the shyteshow. My wife is the eldest in a family of Twelve, and because JW men are universally the breadwinners, and I don't conform to her expectations of what a man should be, that she has the right to disrespect me just a little, because respect should be earned and not automatically free. I think respect should be free until it has been forfeited by having been disrespected. I am trying to end the you started it game by changing the rules and forcing her to consciously think about how she talks to me. Given my neurological condition this is the best I could come up with.
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  steve2

  Hey SonoftheTrinity, I needed to have acknowledged in my earlier reply the difficulties you are going through due to your wife's own behavior. It just sounds so hard. I also have a better understanding given your disclosure of your own condition.

  You are doing the best you can under the difficulties.

  Yet, I can't see this resolving in a positive way.- especially if the stand off between you two continues.

  If you see absolutely no hope for the marriage, it would still be important to get through the difficulties without making things even worse.

  On the other hand, if there is hope for the marriage, it's worth getting some sound guidance on "fair" fighting - there are some good books, likely available in your local library you could get some excellent guidelines on controlling your own behavior when your spouse is not controlling hers.

  There is a lot to be said for expecting better behavior of yourself during marital difficulties so that you will be perceived as practicing the very behavior you want from your spouse. If your wife perceives you as "playing games" by using the third person language, it shows your behavior is hardly likely to be effective but more likely to muddy the waters.
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  SonoftheTrinity

  I know that she loves me, but she uses put downs to keep from being challenged. She is an arrogant enough person that she wouldn't let an outsider talk about her husband and kids like that, ONLY SHE can talk about her kids like that. So I am forcing her to talk about me behind my back to my face, which she can't bring herself to do because she is a very proud person who has a hard time apologizing to people. It isn't a game, its a control. I control how she talks to me until I trust her enough to allow her to speak to me on familiar terms. This is frequently employed by royalty, by Gurus, in the military, throughout the Japanese culture, and wherever an air of respect is in order. It may be annoying, and maybe even a little manipulative, but it is better than the alternative. I gave her a kiss goodnight and told her Mr. loves Mrs.