Interesting story. Don't think I've ever heard anything like it. It seems to me that what you went through as a child has had the effect of cutting off your emotions and ability to feel love. Also your need to want to hurt others in some way as some kind of revenge but doing it in such as way as to not affect your 'safe', 'comfortable' world you've created. Trouble is, it's not a real world. You're living in a fantasy of your own making. You can talk about what happened to you, 'fake it' and let others believe you're ok, believe you're normal but you can't face head on what happened to you and tackle it. Only a professional can help you to do that. But if you don't want it, it won't work. Do you really want to live the rest of your life...or should I say lives, the one you hide and the one that others see... with all this 'baggage' boxed away inside you and feeling empty and devoid of emotion, or do you want to be able to feel love again? To me it seems a life without love of any kind is totally meaningless. Maybe you are happier without it?
Umm Hi
by Killa 53 Replies latest watchtower beliefs
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wannabefree
If this is real, what happened to you as a child is very sad, but you are a very dangerous person who should be under medical care and supervised or locked up.
Just a gut opinion.
Welcome.
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NeverKnew
I have a few questions, but I have to go to work so I won't be responding for quite a few hours. Perhaps you'll still be here when I *get back*.
1. Did you persue the elder role so that you'd be in a position to hurt people even more?
2. It sounds like you live in a world all of your own. Do you have siblings/children?
3. These people that you hurt, are they worldlies (job/personal relationships) or mostly the JWs you interact with? With your position of power, it would seem that it'd be easier to inflict the most pain on JWs. Am I right?
4. It sounds like the life experiences you endured when younger would have been tough to deal with. Did your belief system help you through your personal ordeals? Giving what I'm reading, my guess is your answer will be not at all since it's all a lie but I want to *hear* it from you.
I know I'm asking personal questions but you seem to want to share and I'm trying to understand.
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Killa
Hoffnug: I wouldn't know too much, besides I fucking understand her completely being that I was raped around the same time. Evil is everywhere. Including a human organization.. I don't have to walk past the mirror to know that. As far as the way it was handled? I think it's horrible. However, that happens everywhere. You'd have to be a misanthrope to not be affected by it and even then..
Tornapart: thanks. You are probably the only one that got the gist of what I said.
Splash: I like the line of reasoning. I will use it on someone who ever seeks help and even remotely reminds me of myself
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KristiKay
I may be wrong but I believe what you are is called a physcopath, I don't know if I spelled that correctly, but if that is the case, there really is no help for you, I just hope you don't live close to me, lol...kinda
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nugget
I read your post and can't help thinking that whilst you take pleasure in messing with other people's minds you yourself are being messed up on a weekly basis. JWs serve a purpose for you, they provide you with a facade to hide behind and a pool of people to mess with. And whilst you take pride in your abilities to screw with people's psyche you are a rank amateur compared to the organisation you follow.
I too could explain 607 and 1914, I was well versed in doctrine and like you for a time it made sense to me too. But these doctrines have no real solid foundation and the only place where their calculations can be made to make sense is in the pages of the organisation's literature. However as you are happy where you are and don't really care too much about doctrine whether they are right or wrong is irrelevant.
You are lucky to be in a congregation with people who truly try to demonstrate christian principles. Conversely they are very unfortunate to have you in their midst. You need professional help to deal with the trauma of what happened to you in the past otherwise you will never move on fully and you will continue this contraditory behaviour you will continue to play the part of a good man but never really achieve it. Because your early experience of counselling was ineffectual don't assume that it can offer you nothing now.
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Vidqun
Psychopathic personality: Personality disorder evidenced by antisocial, nonconforming, amoral behaviour, inability to form deep attachments or to learn from experience.
Schizophrenic tendencies: Emotional, intellectual and behavioral disturbances. Withdrawl from reality.
These are symptoms of certain very treatable conditions. These options and their origin you will have to examine with the help of professionals, i.e., psychologists or psychiatrists. When you do that, your purpose must not be "to fool" those around you (which only makes you a better than average con-man), but in order to help yourself.
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Killa
wannabefree: I am truly harmless... at least now. You would never feel hurt from me. Even my "victims" don't know it and actually make changes that are good after I'm done with them. I figured I'd sprinkle some self-righteous good on my actions to sort of... justify? it with Jehovah at the end of the day.
NeverKnew: 1. No. It was just natural to advance in the congregation. I don't really care for it. 2. No. Had a vasectomy done lol 3. I hurt those I feel deserve it and I throw in some psychological shit in there for anyone I feel can change. After I get my kicks of course. 4. You know it did man. Like how can I explain? The truth gave me hope at first. After I saw no changes, I decided that if I was normal person I could actually benefit from it. I realized I never would be able to live the truth given my limitations, but I didn't want to go apeshit either. So I made my own twisted rules still revolving around Jehovah's Witness doctrine. I guess that was the only thing that made me anything shy from a full on serial killer. So I guess in that way my beliefs didhelp. Though my trauma is too much for me and completely changed me I know that it's not Jehovah's fault and I know that in an ideal setting it would work for me. Therefore, I strongly believe in the Truth yet I don't live it.
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breakfast of champions
You need to see a doctor, one who specializes in PTSD. You don't even have a chance of living a "normal" life if you don't sort that shit out.
Yeah, they JW religion might have given you some sort of framework that helped you somewhat, but you need professional help.
The fact you recognize there is something terribly wrong with you and that you're reaching out here shows you have some sort of motivation to change, which is good, better than most, actually.
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tornapart
From his story it doesn't seem to me that he's a 'psycopath', just someone who has been totally screwed up in his childhood and can't face it. So is living two different lives so he can cope with it. One life as a JW where he is doing everything he should and making everyone believe he is 'perfect' and the other life where he is inflicting as much emotional pain on others (I presume 'gays') as he can in revenge for what he suffered as a child. It's his way of dealing with it. The only way he can really recover in any way is by getting (and wanting) real professional help.