hi my name is Crystle. ( i dont care if my congregation finds out what I am posting. I havent been "in" for ten years and I have already told severl members what i think and where they can shove it...:/) I am 27 years old, and a single mother of a wonderful 6 year old.
I was a born in - 1985. My dad was an elder pretty much as long as I can remember. Constantly gone for one meeting or another, or at the kingdom hall "studying" or preparing fo rthe meetings. My mom pioneered until I was probably seven yers old. And yes, I was dragged in the FS race for all that time. At maybe five or six years old I was sexually molested by my babysitters son (who were all JWS and babysat other members of the congregation). I have vague memories of what happened, nd have inquired as to what happened/ how it was discovered and so on. All I was realy told when asked what happened to him (expecting to hear JAIL or PRISON) was told he was sent to live with his dad in Cali. A few years later (I think I was 10 or 12 ) I saw him at his sisters wedding. I wont even go into how that shocked the hell out of me, although I had heard rumours he was going to put in an appearance. Especially when he showed up with kids of his own in tow.
In anycase, I was a very fucked up kid. I had ocd about Prayer. I prayed every fifteen minutes for one imagined infraction or another. Basically If I looked at a male ( I was only ten maybe) and accidently looked at his "spot" as I termed it at the time. In my mind that was a huge sin and Jehovah would never forgive me. (I was a very curious child, probably more curoius than most children) and my mom worked at a hospital so we always had some kind of medical dictionaries and medicl books hanging out around the house. I tought myself about sexual organs and sex. I dont remember ever actually remember having THE TALK with my mom or dad.
Growing up was pretty lonely. I was the perfect JW kid. (at least when others were around) and everyone in the congregation pretty much believed that. And I suffered for it in the friend section. Other parents of kids my age werent as strict as mine were and with my dd being an elder, I was rarely invited to parties and other things. Even if I ws invited I seldom got to go because of things that had posssibly happened at other such parties with the sme people involved. I was basically alone in the world. My mom was my best friend. (still is, but in a different way) A
A few years go buy, I go to school and so on. Then when I was about 15 we got the internet. Now, Im not saying the internet cause my downfall, but it sure didnt stop it.(along with the whole Silent Lambs coming out right along that time- I also was CONSTATNLY in the EX-JW room on YAhoo) When I was twelve I hated going to FS, or meetins and rarely gave a presentation- only when forced to . I was on stage a lot being the elders and PO daughter. But I usually wrote the talk at the last minue, and barely made the three minute mark. (yeah.....) anyway, internet. , b ut I did find friends and BOYS that liked me. This didnt go over well with the parents. I found a boyfriend. A good guy. Jus tnot JW. And at that point I hdnt quit.
somewhere in this time I decided I was oging to read the bible. All the way through as good JWs are supposed to. Maybe I just wasnt being good enough Jw,,, or some crap. I didnt even make it through the first ten chapters of Gen. before i found a hundred things tht I interrpreted s dffferent from Jw. Lord if tht didnt cuse an uprise with my prents when I asked them about it. The beginning of the end....
At Sometime, my mom asked me if I was having sex. Yes. she immmediatly took me to the doctor to get tested for anything and everything. Put me on birth control. ETC ETC. At this point I was [pretty much living at my aunts house ( a Non JW). Id go home basiclly at night after eveyone had gone to bed and leave again the next day- or just stay at my aunts house.
So the S##$% hit the fan. Dad called me and asked me if I wanted tot alk to the elders about me...."sexual experiences" yadda yadda yadda....my response was silence, until i opened my mouth and said "Now, dad, why in the WORLD would I want to sit in a room with a bunch of old guys Ive known my whole life and describe my sexual relationship? Why would I want to tell them how many times we f**4ed and how often I came and the positions we used. Im 16, theyre friggin 50 years old. Thats friggin PREVERTED! so Hell NO!" My dad didnt say much after that. And I dont think I ever went to another meeting.
My dad and my relationship went to hell after that. he still played dad, but we never tlked unless it was nesssacary. Still dont to this day and we live in the same house. If we talk , we end up fighting over every little thing. I felt a lot of guilt for leaving- mainly becaus I know mydad loves his religion and the responsibilites and privs he had, and I didnt wnt him to lose those because I didnt want to be the same religion as him. BecausEI ddint beleive. It ws total bullshit as far as I was concerened.
In any case. Its been 11 years. Ive just strted to get my own personal religous beliefs figured out. Still struggling with that. My son is 6, asI said before. His dad is obviously NOT a Jw. but I live with my parents. they have started early with him. He tells me sometimes that I am going to die and wont be resurected because I m not a jehovahs witness. Among other things. Theres a lot of things I dont like that my parents are doing, but I feel helpless against them still. I rely on them for a lot of things because the job market SUCKs here in town and I have no way to get out of thier house. I just try my best to steer myson in the direction AWAY from the religion. I tell him that JW isnt the only true religion and that he doesnt HAVE to go with them if he doesnt want to, that he can stay home, or go to his dads, and usually he doesnt go with them. I dont want the cycle to start with him. I just dont know how to stop them from "indoctrinating" him. My son spends ALOT of time with my dad, and I know he is constantly "instructing " him.
Ugh... frustration.
anyway, thats my reatlivly boring story. nd if nyone has any advice bout my son , comment plese.
***ps, my "a" key is stuck and its relly hard to get it to work sometimes....so please forgive typos!
