Witness Self Hatred (page 2)

yumbby

I would have to say that guilt and being made to feel self hatred was the biggest reason I left the borg. I was SO tired of feeling like the scum of the earth when I was trying my hardest. they just wore me out. Your bad your bad your bad, its in every magazine, talk and attitude, your never good enough. I took it very personally to the point of hurting myself repeatedly. After the authoritys started questioning my trips to the ER, I had to finally ask myself, Am I really that bad? I still struggle with this daily. I hate the organization for this.

flower

in my experience it was just a given that anything that did go wrong in my life was my fault and was a result of some failure or another in me. this was drilled in by a tyrannical elder father and by the time i was a preteen and old enough to know all the things required of a true christian, i no longer needed him to do it because i was much better at doing it to myself.

it really didnt matter how small the negative situation or incident it was turned around and used to prove how big a sinner, horrible a witness, lousy a servant of jehovah i was.

it could be something as simple as sitting in the hall and seeing susie over there talking to mary. i'd ask myself why they didnt talk to me and knew of course the reason was because i was a bad person. or it could be something bigger like having someone lie about me and say i did something that i didnt do and i would get punished for it. i figured i may not have done it but i am such a bad person that i still deserve the punishment.

at the lowest points in my life i never even acknowledged the people that were hurting me (ie. elders, family). anytime they did anything to me i automatically just assumed it was jehovah using them because he hated me so much. i told myself that jehovah would never allow me anything positive or good and everything from a lost job to a car accident were all because of not doing what he wanted me to do.

and the more i saw his hatred the harder i tried to do the right things. i tried and tried and tried. but i eventually realized that i was never going to be able to live up to christian standards. even when i was doing what was required of me i still had these secret desires to celebrate birthdays or christmas or be at school functions having fun. i still 'wanted' to be a normal, worldly person and the society said that if our heart condition was right we wouldnt even 'want' those things. since jehovah could go beyond the surface and read our hearts i knew there was no way i was going to ever make it through armageddon. thats when my path of suicidal tendencies and self abuse really took over my life.

i could very easily have ended up a case similar to the bryant story. thought about it enough thats for sure. i always knew suicide was going to be the end for me but after i had a kid it was more complicated but i never planned on leaving that kid alone in this world thats for sure so a situation like bryants was the only solution in my warped mind.

thats why stumbling across this board has been so much more a blessing than anyone can ever know. and thats why i get so sad when i see all the fighting, manipulation, and games that sometimes get played here because i think of another kid out there who could pass through here and leave because they are afraid by all the crap and they miss the truth because its so hidden.

flower

Aunty

Flower -

Your post had some great points. I think the pressure is from thinking Jehovah is not blessing you, and is directing the elders, etc..to treat you that way. There are many religions where you're told that if you sin, God doesn't love you - but the witnesses extend that to family and friends which makes it all the worse.

flower

Aunty,

yes and its even worse for people who are df'd but still believe the org is the truth. that really messes up your head. i can totally relate to this bryant guy and what he did..sad to say.

i'm very sad that he didnt ever get the help he needed. its so hard to be in that mental state and be alone in the universe. it is so painful and it feels like absolutely NoONE anywhere can every understand. its such a sickening feeling. its utter and complete isolation and loneliness.

i can remember begging God to have mercy on us and let my son and i go to sleep and never wake up. when it didnt happen i would think that he must think death, being that is is just ceasing to exist,is too good for me. being alive was much worse a punishment. if i wanted it ended i would have to get up the guts to do it myself. the times i did get up the nerve i remember just being so sad. wondering why this was my life. why was i born to live this life? i wonder sometimes why i survived and found the truth and this poor man with all those kids didnt make it.

this subject is very hard to deal with right now

Farkel

Good questions, Metatron.

: I do wonder if the average Witless has been beat down with so much
propaganda that they hate themselves. Consider how they are so
willing to blame themselves for anything - and react fanatically
to defend the organization, inspite of obvious wrongs.

Their religion tells them they are nothing, but "worker bees" in God's (the WTS's) work. They see old and worn-out JWs ignored and cast off like dirty dish rags. They are visited twice a year by a storm-trooper who beats up the elders, who in turn beat up the average Witnesses. They have forsaken material things, a good education and just plain "normal" stuff for religious masters whose mantra is "you MAY just BARELY be worthy if you do more." In short, they have given everything of themselves, their families and their future for a religion who doesn't really give a shit about them.

THEN, someone comes along and says, "They lied to you. They don't care about you." The only thing they have left after giving up everything else is that religion, and now someone is saying even THAT is wrong.

It's no wonder they defend it. It's all they have left. The religion has made sure that everything else in their lives is taken away so that they can only worship the religion that took everything away from them.

Simple. (But very sad.)

Farkel

MavMan

Staphanus: Yes.

TR

I agree with Dung.

One of these days, a crazed JW at his wits end, will enter a KH or Bethel and dispense with several hundred rounds from a firearm of some sort.

TR- UADNA- Washington division

I hold it to be the inalienable right of anybody to go to hell in his own way.
--Robert Frost, 1935

flower

I dont know about that TR. For most people that are hurt the anger and hatred is internalized. Its seems to be rare that someone who believes in the 'truth' to get angry with the powers that be in the org. Thats like being angry with Jah and no one would do that.

The anger doesnt come until we get out and realize the whole thing is just a man-made org and by then most of us have already gone through shock, depression, elation, and a host of other emotions.

Once you get out I think there are too many positive possibilities in your life to throw it away by fullfilling your dreams of getting revenge.

And too, I think there are very few people in the org, that are not just as duped as we were.

flower

YoYoMama

TR: That's one scary thought. I pray it never happens.

Witness Self Hatred

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