bloody religion! Made me miss a once in a lifetime event!
Oh, don ’ t be put out! Think of it as a giant sperm cell stretching itself across the great vault of the heavens. Shucks, you didn’t miss squat! But if you really want to see a comet, well, I have an old transport kit I got from a bunch of nice folks at a cult I joined by the name of Heaven’s Gate! I didn’t use mine, but I’m willin’ to sell it.
It comes with a square purple cloth, a brand new five dollar bill, three quarters, a black shirt and sweat pants, black and white Nike Decades sneakers (size 10C), a plastic bag and two small bags of powder with instructions. It also comes with a VHS recording on how to transport yourselftoaUFOflyingbehindthecometonajourney tothenextstageofevolution...all of these I’ll sell for a lot less than I paid for them! Anyway, my 39 buddies at Rancho Sante Fe took off without me. I was supposed to go, but a couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses showed up at the back door gate and told me that I could live nigh on forever if I could hold out until the Year 2000. So I skipped my other ride and joined what was called the Watchtower cult. They gave me some cheap magazines to pass out and the ink got all over my hands. I went back to the ol ’ El Rancho to see if I could get my other buddies with the Away Team (that ’s what we called ourselves) , cause I figured if I could get the other 39 to stick around and get baptized as JWs, that I could rack up enough field work to last me to at least 2000. It would also free up a lot of space on that UFO, and I’m sure them alien fellers would have appreciated that. But they was all asleep when I went in to the dorms and I didn’t want to bother them none.
So my new buddies said everything would be all over by the time Hale-Bop returned, anyway. That’s why I have this neat UFO kit which I’ll sell for $49.75 plus postage. Now you have to follow them instructions exactly, without deviating from them in the least, and if you take the powder and the Vodka, seal the plastic bag and it don’t work...why, I offer a full refund, no questions asked, less postage of course. But I think you’ll be pleased. My 39 buddies didn’t complain nary one little bit. Anyway, imagine seeing a comet up close, from four kilometers away! You can’t rightly beat that if you want to leave them fine folks with the Watchtower crowd.
I enjoyed my old Heaven’s Gate setup. We had bunk beds and got to listen to a lot of tapes, just like those meetings at the Kingdom Hall. But heck, I like them Jehovah’s Witnesses even better. If you do something wrong, no matter how small and seeming inconsequential, they’ll just take you aside and tell you! So I don’t see what’s not to like about ‘em. They said they’d continue to tell me what I do wrong, even when I get to Paradise Earth! They said they would be spirits and that there’d be 144,000 of them watching everyone on Paradise Earth and telling them what they were doing wrong. When I asked ‘em why the angels couldn’t do that, they wrote it down in a little book and told me I didn’t have the right attitude. And when I asked how I could be one of the 144,000, they wrote that down, too. (I hope they have lots of pens and notepads in the Spirit Heaven!)
So lemme if you want this Hale-Bop kit. It’ll take you to the next point in human evolution, I reckon...if it does what it’s ‘sposed to do.
Kirk out!